The Project Gutenberg eBook of More Goops and How Not to Be Them: A Manual of Manners for Impolite Infants

This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook.

Title: More Goops and How Not to Be Them: A Manual of Manners for Impolite Infants

Author: Gelett Burgess

Release date: July 23, 2004 [eBook #13004]

Most recently updated: October 28, 2024

Language: English

Credits: Produced by Internet Archive's Children's Library. David Garcia, and

the Online Distributed Proofreading Team.

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MORE GOOPS AND HOW NOT TO BE THEM: A MANUAL OF MANNERS FOR IMPOLITE INFANTS ***

MORE GOOPS

and

How Not to Be Them:

A Manual of Manners for Impolite Infants

By Gelett Burgess

Books by Gelett Burgess

VIVETTE; or the Memoirs of the Romance Association. Small, Maynard & Co., Boston. 152 pp. 8vo. $1.25

A GAGE OF YOUTH; Poems, chiefly from the "Lark." 58 pp. Small 8vo. Small, Maynard & Co., Boston. $1.00

THE ROMANCE OF THE COMMONPLACE; A Collection of Essays upon the Romantic View of Life. 152 pp. Small 4to. Elder & Shepard, San Francisco. $1.50

THE LIVELY CITY O' LIGG; A Cycle of Modern Fairy Tales for City Children. With 53 illustrations (8 in color) by the Author. Frederick A. Stokes Co., New York. 210 pp. Small 4to. $1.50. Boards, $1.00

THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK; Being a complete Collection of the Humorous Masterpieces of Gelett Burgess, Esq. With 196 illustrations by the Author. 239 pp. Small 4to. Frederick A. Stokes Co., New York. Cloth, $2.00 net. Boards, $1.25

GOOPS, and How to Be Them; A Manual of Manners for Polite Infants. With 90 illustrations by the Author. Frederick A. Stokes Co., New York. 88 pp. 5th edition. Small 4to. $1.50

MORE GOOPS, and How Not to Be Them; A Manual of Manners for Impolite Infants. With 90 illustrations by the Author. 88 pp. Small 4to. Frederick A. Stokes Co., New York. $1.50

MORE GOOPS

and

How Not to Be Them

A Manual of Manners for Impolite Infants Depicting the Characteristics

of Many Naughty and Thoughtless Children With Instructive Illustrations

By GELETT BURGESS

NEW YORK

Copyright 1903

By GELETT BURGESS

Published September, 1903

CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

WINDOW SMOOCHERS

A LOW TRICK

WHEN TO GO

"AIN'T"

NELL THE NIBBLER

JUSTICE

A PUZZLE

FRANKNESS

THE DUTY OF THE STRONG

WALKING WITH PAPA

PIANO TORTURE

AT TABLE

HOW TO EAT SOUP

BABY'S APOLOGY

IN THE STREET

SICK FURNITURE

BORROWED PLUMES

THE GOOP PICNIC

BOOK-MANNERS

POOR MOTHER!

CHEATING

GOOP! GOOP! GOOP!

VISITING

PICKING AND STEALING

LOYALTY

INDOLENCE

THE LAW OF HOSPITALITY

THE FLOWER HOSPITAL

PUPPY GOOPS

EXAGGERATION

NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

STEALING RIDES

UNTIDY GOOPS

A GOOP PARTY

INQUISITIVENESS

DON'T BE GOOD

WRITE RIGHT!

WET FEET

DRESS QUICKLY!

DANGER!

THE REASON WHY

IN GOOP ATTIRE

IMPOSSIBLE

INTRODUCTION

Children, although you might expect

My manners to be quite correct

(For since I fancy I can teach,

I ought to practice what I preach),

'Tis true that I have often braved

My mother's wrath, and misbehaved!

And almost every single rule

I broke, before I went to school!

For that is how I learned the way

To teach you etiquette to-day.

So when you chance to take a look

At all the maxims in the book,

You'll see that most of them are true,

I found them out, and so will you,

For if you are as GOOP derided,

You may perhaps reform, as I did!

WINDOW-SMOOCHERS

Little Goops are marking

On the window pane;

I forbid, in vain!

Noses, when they're greasy,

Leave a smooch so easy!

Rub it out again!

I shall have to scold them,

For I've often told them,

Kindly, to refrain!

A LOW TRICK

The meanest trick I ever knew

Was one I know you never do.

I saw a Goop once try to do it,

And there was nothing funny to it.

He pulled a chair from under me

As I was sitting down; but he

Was sent to bed, and rightly, too.

It was a horrid thing to do!

WHEN TO GO

When you go a-calling,

Never stay too late;

You will wear your welcome out

If you hesitate!

Just before they're tired of you,

Just before they yawn,

Before they think you are a Goop,

And wish that you were gone,

While they're laughing with you,

While they like you so,

While they want to keep you,—

That's the time to go!

"AIN'T"

Now "ain't" is a word

That is very absurd

To use for an "isn't" or "aren't."

Ask Teacher about it:

She'll say, "Do without it!"

I wish you would see if you can't!

NELL THE NIBBLER

She ate some chocolate drops at 1,

At 2, she thought she'd take

A little jelly and a bun;

At 3, some frosted cake.

At 4, she nibbled at a roll;

At 5, a doughnut spied,

And ate it (all except the hole),

And then some cookies tried.

At 6, she didn't feel quite right,

And didn't care for dinner.

She said she had no appetite,

With so much Goop-food in her!

JUSTICE

Whenever brother's sent to bed,

Or punished, do not go

And peer at him and jeer at him,

And say, "I told you so!"

Nor should you try to make him laugh

When he has been so bad;

Let him confess his naughtiness

Before you both are glad!

A PUZZLE

There are about a thousand things

I'm not allowed to do;

Most everything I'm fondest of

I'm told is wrong—are you?

They say, "Please don't do that, my child!"

They say, "You mustn't, dear!"

I hope sometime I'll learn what's right,

For now it seems so queer!

FRANKNESS

When you are talking, I expect

You'd better hold your head erect!

Please look me squarely in the eye

Unless you're telling me a lie.

For if you crouch and look askance,

Regarding me with sidelong glance,

I'll think it is a Goop I see

Who is afraid to look at me!

THE DUTY OF THE STRONG

You who are the oldest,

You who are the tallest,

Don't you think you ought to help

The youngest and the smallest?

You who are the strongest,

You who are the quickest,

Don't you think you ought to help

The weakest and the sickest?

Never mind the trouble,

Help them all you can;

Be a little woman!

Be a little man!

WALKING WITH PAPA

"Won't you walk a little farther?"

Said a Goop to his Papa;

"It is really quite delightful,

And we haven't travelled far;

Wont you walk a little farther,

There's a house I'd like to see!

Won't you walk a little farther,

Till we reach that cherry-tree?"

"Won't you carry me? I'm tired!"

Whined a Goop to his Papa;

"And my feet are sore and weary,

And we've gone so very far!

Won't you carry me? I'm tired!

And I can't walk back alone!

Won't you carry me? I'm tired!"

And the Goop began to groan.

PIANO TORTURE

Pianos are considered toys

By Goops, and naughty girls and boys;

They pound upon the keys,

They lift the cover up, on top,

To see the little jiggers hop,

And both the pedals squeeze!

But instruments so rich and fine

(Especially if they're not mine)

I ought to treat with care;

So when my elder sister plays

She'll find it is in tune always,

Nor injured anywhere!

AT TABLE

Why is it Goops must always wish

To touch each apple on the dish?

Why do they never neatly fold

Their napkins until they are told?

Why do they play with food, and bite

Such awful mouthfuls? Is it right?

Why do they tilt back in their chairs?

Because they're Goops! So no one cares!

HOW TO EAT SOUP

Whenever you are eating soup

Remember not to be a Goop!

And if you think to say this rhyme,

Perhaps 'twill help you every time:

Like little boats that put to sea,

I push my spoon AWAY from me;

I do not tilt my dish, nor scrape

The last few drops, like hungry ape!

Like little boats, that, almost filled,

Come back without their cargoes spilled,

My spoon sails gently to my lips,

Unloading from the SIDE, like ships.

BABY'S APOLOGY

Dear little seed, queer little seed,

Tucked into bed in the garden,

Why don't you grow? Why, don't you know

Baby is asking your pardon?

Out, little seed! Sprout, little seed!

Baby did wrong without knowing!

Hoping for you, groping for you,

To see if you really were growing.

Break, little seed! Wake, little seed!

Baby will watch and not harm you.

Everything's bright, everything's right,

Nothing is here to alarm you.

Dress, little seed! Yes, little seed,

Fold your green leaflets around you;

There, little seed! Fair little seed,

Baby's so glad he has found you!

IN THE STREET

Peelings on the sidewalk,

Apple-cores and all,

Kick them in the gutter;

Save some one a fall!

Barrel hoops, glass, and cans,

And wires in the street,

Kick them in the gutter;

You'll save some horse's feet!

SICK FURNITURE

Sitting on the table,

Standing on the chairs,

That's the way the legs are broken and the cushion tears!

How'd you like to pay the bill for varnish and repairs?

BORROWED PLUMES

Don't try on the wraps,

The bonnets and caps

Of company coming to call!

Admire, if you please,

But garments like these

Should always feel safe in the hall!

THE GOOP PICNIC

They came to the best sort of place for a rest,

On the grass, with the trees overhead,

They sat down in a bunch and they opened their lunch,

And they had a be-autiful spread!

And when they were done, and they'd had all their fun,

They proved they were Goops, or were blind;

For they picked up their wraps and they left all their scraps

For the next picnic party to find!

BOOK-MANNERS

If you scribble on your books,

How disgustable it looks!

Here a word, and there a scrawl,

Silly pictures over all!

Take a paper, or a slate,

If you want to decorate!

POOR MOTHER!

Oh! Isn't it shocking!

Just look at your stocking!

Just look at your brand new boots!

Your waist is all torn

And your trousers are worn—

Just look at the holes in your suits!

Your father is working

All day, without shirking,

To pay for the clothes that you wear;

Your mother is mending

All day, and attending

To you, with the kindest of care.

And so, while you're playing,

Think of father, who's paying,

And mother, who's working so hard;

While you kneel on your knees,

Or climb up the trees,

Or make your mud pies in the yard!

CHEATING

I thought I saw a little Goop

Who didn't pay his fare;

I looked again; the passengers

Were gazing at him, there.

"They think that he's a thief!" I said;

"I wonder does he care?"

GOOP! GOOP! GOOP!

Goop! Goop! Goop!

I wish you'd wash your face!

Goop! Goop! Goop!

Your hands are a disgrace!

Goop! Goop! Goop!

Put things back in their place!

I wish you were polite,

Instead of a

Goop! Goop! Goop!

VISITING

When a Goop goes out to visit,

'T isn't very pleasant, is it,

To hear him ask his friends for things to eat?

And to hear the little sinner

Say he wants to stay to dinner

Is a piece of impoliteness hard to beat!

"Mother said that I could stay

If you asked me!" is the way

That a Goop will make them ask him to remain.

It is better to be slighted

Than to stay when not invited,

For they never ask a Goop to come again!

PICKING and STEALING

When you are fetching bread, I trust

You never nibble at the crust

When in the kitchen, do you linger

And pinch the cookies with your finger?

Or do you peck the frosted cake?

Don't do it, please, for Mother's sake!

LOYALTY

Mother's found your mischief out!

What are you going to do?

Cry and sulk, or kick and shout?

Tell your mother all about

Brother's mischief, too?

Or,

Take your punishment, and say,

"I'll be better, now!"

Never mind the horrid way

Brother treated you, at play;

Don't tell it, anyhow!

It is the Goops, who have no shame,

Who say, "'Twas some one else to blame!"

INDOLENCE

There was a Goop who lay in bed

Till half-past eight, the sleepy-head!

He couldn't find his stockings, for

He'd thrown them somewhere on the floor!

He couldn't find his reading-book;

He had forgotten where to look!

His breakfast grew so very cold,

This lazy Goop began to scold;

And then he blamed his mother, kind!

"You made me late to school!" he whined.

THE LAW OF HOSPITALITY

There is a very simple rule

That every one should know;

You may not hear of it in school,

But everywhere you go,

In every land where people dwell,

And men are good and true,

You'll find they understand it well,

And so I'll tell it you:

To every one who gives me food,

Or shares his home with me,

I owe a debt of gratitude,

And I must loyal be.

I may not laugh at him, or say

Of him a word unkind;

His friendliness I must repay,

And to his faults be blind!

THE FLOWER HOSPITAL

I dreamed I found a sunlit room

Filled with a delicate perfume,

Where, moaning their sweet lives away,

A thousand lovely flowers lay.

They drooped, so pale, and wan, and weak,

With hardly strength enough to speak,

With stems so crushed and leaves so torn

It was too dreadful to be borne!

And one white lily raised her head

From off her snowy flower bed.

And sighed, "Please tell the children, oh!

They should not treat the flowers so!

They plucked us when we were so gay,

And then they threw us all away

To wither in the sun all day!

We all must fade, but we'll forgive

If they'll let other flowers live!"

PUPPY GOOPS

Candy in the cushions

Of the easy-chair;

Raisins in the sofa—

How did they get there?

The little Goop who's greedy

Does it every day,

Like a little puppy,

Hiding bones away!

EXAGGERATION

Don't try to tell a story

To beat the one you've heard;

For if you try, you're apt to lie,

And that would be absurd!

Don't try to be more funny

Than any one in school;

For if you're not, they'll laugh a lot,

And think you are a fool!

NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Do you slam the door?

Do you drag your feet?

Making noise enough for four

Hundred thousand Goops, or more,

Tearing up the street?

Clattering down the stairs,

Storming through the hall,

Pounding floors, upsetting chairs,

Do you think your father cares

For your noise, at all?

STEALING RIDES

I thought I saw a little Goop

Who hung behind a cart;

I looked again. He'd fallen off!

It gave me such a start!

"If he were killed, some day," I said,

"'Twould break his mother's heart!"

UNTIDY GOOPS

I think you are a Goop, because

You never shut your bureau drawers,

You do not close the door!

You leave your water in the bowl,

You put your peelings in the coal!

I've told you that before!

A GOOP PARTY

"Please come to my party!" said Jenny to Prue;

"I'm going to have Willy, and Nelly, and you;

I'm going to have candy and cake and ice-cream,

We'll play Hunt-the-Slipper, we'll laugh and we'll scream.

We'll dress up in caps, we'll have stories and tricks,

And you won't have to go till a quarter past six!"

But alas! When she mentioned her party, at tea,

Her mother said, "No! It can't possibly be!"

So Jane had to go and explain to her friends,

And that is how many a Goop party ends!

Just speak to your mother before you invite,

And then it's more likely to happen all right!

INQUISITIVENESS

I gave a letter to a Goop

To take to Mrs. Bird;

And what d'you think he went and did?

He read it, every word!

Now, isn't that the rudest thing

That you have ever heard?

Why, he would peep through keyholes,

And listen at the door!

And open parcels, just to see

What came from every store!

Now, have you ever ever heard

Of such a Goop before?

DON'T BE GOOD

Just because you want to go

To the circus, or the show;

But, when all your fun is o'er,

Be as good as you were before!

DON'T BE BAD

Just as long as you dare to be,

Because your mother doesn't see.

Do not wait for her to scold,

But be just as good as gold!

WRITE RIGHT!

If you were writing with your nose,

You'd have to curl up, I suppose,

And lay your head upon your hand;

But now, I cannot understand,

For you are writing with your pen!

So sit erect, and smile again!

You need not scowl because you write,

Nor hold your fingers quite so tight!

And if you gnaw the holder so,

They'll take you for a Goop, you know!

WET FEET

Down the street together,

In the rainy weather,

Went a pair of little boys along;

One of them went straying

In the gutters playing,

Doing all his mother said was wrong;

One of them went dashing

Into puddles splashing,

Under dripping eaves that soaked him through;

One of them avoided

All the other boy did,

Dodging all the slimy, slushy goo.

One of them grew chilly;

Said he felt so ill he

Knew he'd caught a cold, and coughed a lot!

The other was so warm he

Said he liked it stormy!

Which of them was Goop, and which was not?

DRESS QUICKLY!

All your life you'll have to dress,

Every single day (unless

You should happen to be sick),

Why not learn to do it quick?

Hang your clothes the proper way,

So you'll find them fresh next day;

Treat them with a little care,

Fold them neatly on a chair;

So, without a bit of worry,

You can dress in quite a hurry.

Think of the slovenly Goops, before

You strew your clothing on the floor!

DANGER!

Ink, ink! What do you think!

You're sure to be stained, if you play with the ink!

You're sure to get black, if you play with the ink-well,

Before you begin it, just stop once, and think well!

All over your fingers, all over your face,

All over your clothes, and all over the place!

Your mother'll be angry, your father'll say, "There!

I said not to touch it; you said you'd take care!"

When Goops are so mischievous, they have to drink

Forty-four dozen bottles of raven black ink!

THE REASON WHY

Everybody liked Ezekiel.

Why?

You could scarcely find his equal.

Why?

If he made a mistake,

He said he was wrong;

If he went on an errand,

He wasn't gone long;

He never would bully,

Although he was strong!

Everybody hated Mello.

Why?

He was such a surly fellow.

Why?

If you asked him for candy,

He'd hide his away;

He never would play

What the rest wished to play;

He would say horrid words

That he oughtn't to say!

IN GOOP ATTIRE

I'll make you a dress of a towel,

And trim it all over with soap,

With a sponge for a hat

And a wet one, at that!

And then you'll be happy, I hope!

You may act like a Goop, if you please,

In garments constructed like these!

But now, while you're dressed up so neatly,

Don't wipe off your hands on your frock!

The smooching that lingers

When you wipe off your fingers,

Will give your dear mother a shock!

The result will be even more shocking,

If you wipe off your shoes on your stocking!

IMPOSSIBLE!

There once was a Goop (it is hard to believe

Such unpleasant behavior of you!)

Who always was wiping his nose on his sleeve;

I hope that this Goop wasn't you!

He always was spitting (for fun, I suppose),

I couldn't believe, it of you!

And putting his fingers up into his nose;

I KNOW that this Goop wasn't you!

*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MORE GOOPS AND HOW NOT TO BE THEM: A MANUAL OF MANNERS FOR IMPOLITE INFANTS ***

Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will be renamed.

Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG™ concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you charge for an eBook, except by following the terms of the trademark license, including paying royalties for use of the Project Gutenberg trademark. If you do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the trademark license is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and research. Project Gutenberg eBooks may be modified and printed and given away—you may do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks not protected by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the trademark license, especially commercial redistribution.

START: FULL LICENSE

THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE

PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK

To protect the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting the free distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work (or any other work associated in any way with the phrase “Project Gutenberg”), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project Gutenberg™ License available with this file or online at www.gutenberg.org/license.

Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works

1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg™ electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property (trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in your possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.

1.B. “Project Gutenberg” is a registered trademark. It may only be used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg™ electronic works even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project Gutenberg™ electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below.

1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation (“the Foundation” or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the United States and you are located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg™ works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg™ name associated with the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg™ License when you share it without charge with others.

1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project Gutenberg™ work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any country other than the United States.

1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:

1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg™ License must appear prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg™ work (any work on which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” appears, or with which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, copied or distributed:

This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook.

1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase “Project Gutenberg” associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg™ trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.

1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is posted with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked to the Project Gutenberg™ License for all works posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.

1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg™ License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg™.

1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project Gutenberg™ License.

1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg™ work in a format other than “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other format used in the official version posted on the official Project Gutenberg™ website (www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg™ License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.

1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg™ works unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.

1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing access to or distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works provided that:

- • You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from the use of Project Gutenberg™ works calculated using the method you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, but he has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in Section 4, “Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.”

- • You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg™ License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg™ works.

- • You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of receipt of the work.

- • You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free distribution of Project Gutenberg™ works.

1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the manager of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.

1.F.

1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project Gutenberg™ collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg™ electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain “Defects,” such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment.

1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the “Right of Replacement or Refund” described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, and any other party distributing a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGE.

1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further opportunities to fix the problem.

1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you ‘AS-IS’, WITH NO OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.

1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.

1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone providing copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg™ work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg™ work, and (c) any Defect you cause.

Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg™

Project Gutenberg™ is synonymous with the free distribution of electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from people in all walks of life.

Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg™’s goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg™ collection will remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure and permanent future for Project Gutenberg™ and future generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org.

Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation

The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non-profit 501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal Revenue Service. The Foundation’s EIN or federal tax identification number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state’s laws.

The Foundation’s business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the Foundation’s website and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact

Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation

Project Gutenberg™ depends upon and cannot survive without widespread public support and donations to carry out its mission of increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed in machine-readable form accessible by the widest array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations ($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt status with the IRS.

The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate.

While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who approach us with offers to donate.

International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.

Please check the Project Gutenberg web pages for current donation methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate.

Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg™ electronic works

Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg™ concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project Gutenberg™ eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.

Project Gutenberg™ eBooks are often created from several printed editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.

Most people start at our website which has the main PG search facility: www.gutenberg.org.

This website includes information about Project Gutenberg™, including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.

Table of Contents

MORE GOOPS and How Not to Be Them:

A Manual of Manners for Impolite Infants

Books by Gelett Burgess

MORE GOOPS

How Not to Be Them

CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

WINDOW-SMOOCHERS

A LOW TRICK

WHEN TO GO

"AIN'T"

NELL THE NIBBLER

JUSTICE

A PUZZLE

FRANKNESS

THE DUTY OF THE STRONG

WALKING WITH PAPA

PIANO TORTURE

AT TABLE

HOW TO EAT SOUP

BABY'S APOLOGY

IN THE STREET

SICK FURNITURE

BORROWED PLUMES

THE GOOP PICNIC

BOOK-MANNERS

POOR MOTHER!

CHEATING

GOOP! GOOP! GOOP!

VISITING

PICKING and STEALING

LOYALTY

INDOLENCE

THE LAW OF HOSPITALITY

THE FLOWER HOSPITAL

PUPPY GOOPS

EXAGGERATION

NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

STEALING RIDES

UNTIDY GOOPS

A GOOP PARTY

INQUISITIVENESS

DON'T BE GOOD

DON'T BE BAD

WRITE RIGHT!

WET FEET

DRESS QUICKLY!

DANGER!

THE REASON WHY

IN GOOP ATTIRE

IMPOSSIBLE!

THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE