Taking the Census: A Farce
Date: 2016-10-17T00:00:00+00:00
Keywords: Drama; Comedy plays

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Title: Taking the Census: A Farce

Author: Elizabeth F. Guptill

Release date: October 17, 2016 [eBook #53298]
Most recently updated: October 23, 2024

Language: English

Credits: Produced by Emmy, MFR and the Online Distributed
Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was
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*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TAKING THE CENSUS: A FARCE ***

Taking the Census

Taking the Census

A Farce

By
ELIZABETH F. GUPTILL

Price 10 Cents

All Rights Reserved, Amateur Performance Permitted

265 West 36th Street, New York       14 W. Washington Street, Chicago

Copyright 1914 by Tullar-Meredith Co.

International Copyright Secured

Taking the Census

Characters

Mr. Cole, the Census Taker. Mrs. Almira Johnson, a “Cullud Lady.”

Alexander Johnson, her Young Son.

————————

SCENE

Mrs. Johnson’s home. Mrs. Johnson winding yarn which Alexander holds for her.

————————

Mrs. J. Now yo’ jes’ stop yo’ wigglin’, Alexandah, caze yo’ got to hole dis yahn till yo’ mammy git it all winded up in a big ball fo’ to knit yo’ wintah stockin’s wiv. Keep it straight, now. No, don’t straitch is so! Jes’ hole it easy.

Alex. But mah ahms is tiahd, Mammy, an’ mah han’s ache.

Mrs. J. Dat don’ make a bit o’ diffunce. Yo’ hole dat ar yahn good. Does yo’ heah?

Alex. Caint I hole it bimeby, an’ res’ a while now, Mammy?

Mammy. No, yo’ caint! Yo’ jes’ want to git out an’ play baseball wiv dem no-count white chilluns. I don’ want yo’ should ’sociate wiv sech trash. Sit up, does yo’ heah?

Alex. Yaas, but——

Mrs. J. (Getting a switch from the corner.) Alexandah Xerxes Napoleon Washin’ton Johnsing, does yo’ see dat switch?

Alex. I’m a-holdin’ it, Mammy. I’m a-holdin’ it good.

Mammy. Yo’ jes keep on a-holdin’ it good, an’ don’ yo’ fuss no moah. (A loud rap is heard.) Mah goodness, who dat? (She walks to door, still winding yarn, and opens it.)

Mr. C. Good afternoon, Madam.

Mrs. J. Good aftahnoon, sah. Will yo’ walk in?

Mr. C. Thank you, I will. I have here the census report blanks and I am taking the census.

Mrs. J. We-all hasn’t no moah senses dan we needs, ouah selves, sah, an’ we don’ p’etend dat we has.

Mr. C. I mean I am taking the vital statistics, Madam.

Mrs. J. Vital stickses! Yo’ caint steal no wood here, an’ yo’ caint puffo’m no suhgicla-opahrations, needah. My vitals is inside o’ me, an’ dare dey am a-gwine to merain. Does yo’ heah? We-all don’ need no suhgeons, ’tall. No, yo’ needn’t stayah at dat boy. Yo’ caint speriment wiv his insides.

Mr. C. But I am not a surgeon, Madam. I am the census man.

Mrs. J. Yo’ suttinly am a senseless man, but don’ try any capers heah, fo’ mah eyes is on yo’, an’ de carbin’ knife am mighty handy. Alexandah, yo’ drap dat yahn, and go find a p’licemans. Tell him we-all has got a luniac heah. Hump yo’se’f, now, whilst I watch him. (Exit Alex.)

Mr. C. (Calling.) Come back here, boy. It’s all right.

Mrs. J. (Calling.) Go ’long dare, yo’ heah me? (To Mr. C.) Now yo’ sit down an’ keep still, an’ dar shan’t nuffin huht yo’. But don’ yo’ come a ’step nighah.

Mr. C. I assure you, Madam, you are mistaken. I only want to ask a few questions, and write down your answers.

Mrs. J. Dat’s all right. Might as well ’muse yo’se’f dat way as any odah. What yo’ tink yo’ wan’ to know?

Mr. C. (Opening book.) What is your husband’s name?

Mrs. J. Gawge Washin’ton Pompey Caesar Johnsing.

Mr. C. Born?

Mrs. J. Co’se he war bohn! Yo’ don’ t’ink he growed on a melon vine, does yer?

Mr. C. I mean, where and when was he born?

Mrs. J. In his daddy’s cabin, in watermillion time.

Mr. C. Where was his daddy’s cabin?

Mrs. J. In de quahtahs, on ole Massa Johnsing’s place, down in Souf Ca’liny.

Mr. C. Before the war?

Mrs. J. Shuah. De yeah dey took Fort Sumter. I disremembah de numbah.

Mr. C. ’61. What is his occupation?

Mrs. J. Why I isn’t quite shuah, not to be sartin, sah. I t’ink he’s a bandmastah, but he may be jus’ a coalheavah.

Mr. C. But they are not at all alike. Where does he work?

Mrs. J. Dat’s jes’ it, sah. Ef I knowed dat, I’d know what he done be doin’.

Mr. C. But doesn’t he ever say?

Mrs. J. He nebah has, sah, not one bressed wohd, dough I’m a savin’ up to go to a mid-dle-um some day, and den I know.

Mr. C. A middle-um?

Mrs. J. Jes’ so. One ob dese yer hoodoo womans what conjer an call up de ha’nts to speak to dare folkses.

Mr. C. Oh, a medium! Then your husband is dead?

Mrs. J. He am dat.

Mr. C. How long?

Mrs. J. ’Bout fibe foot eight, sah.

Mr. C. I mean, how long has he been dead?

Mrs. J. Las’ wintah, sah, jes’ arter Chris’mus.

(Enter Alexander, alone. He has been running.)

Alex. De p’licemans say dat it all right, Mammy. De gubmint sent him, an’ yo’ mus’ answer what he ax yo’ to.

Mrs. J. He’s drefful ’quis’tive, but if de Pres’dint send him, we-all mus’ put up wiv him, I spec’.

Mr. C. What is your name?

Mrs. J. Missus Johnsing, ob co’se.

Mr. C. What was your maiden name? (She looks puzzled.) I mean, before you were married.

Mrs. J. Oh, I war Miss Birdie Apple-Blossom. I war de bell ob de ball when I war a gal.

Mr. C. And where were you born?

Mrs. J. In de no’f, sah, in Philadelphy, de yeah Mars Aberaham Lincum made de darkies free. Dat nex’ summah, sah.

Mr. C. What is your occupation?

Mrs. J. Ise a laundry lady, sah——a do-uppah. I does up de ladies’ fine t’ings——laces, and lingry and sech.

Mr. C. How many children?

Mrs. J. ’Leben, sah. Dars Gawge Washin’ton Pompey Caesah, named fo’ his daddy——he’s daid; an’ dars Celia Agnes Rosabelle, she am mah’ied, an’ libes in Virginny. Den dar am Thucydides Plato an’ Aristides Pluto, de twins. Dey wo’k in a bah-bah shop in Newark, an’ Thomas Jefferson Jackson, he am a bell boy in a hotel in Washin’ton, an’ Lily Pearl Beryl, she am a lady’s maid, an’ trabels obah lan’ an’ sea in an ottah mower beely—one ob dem ar debble wagons, yo’ know. Less see, dat am how many?

Mr. C. Six.

Mrs. J. Nex’ am de triplets, Pollyanna, Susieanna and Roxieanna, dey am at school jes’ now, an’ Birdena Philopena Maud, she am at school, too, an’ dis yere pickaninny Alexandah Xerxes Napoleon Washin’ton, who am at hum, caze he been a habin’ de measles, an’ I don’ wan’ him to study ontwell Ise shuah his eyes are strong ’nuff. Teachahs am drefful hahd on chillun’s eyes. Now don’ yo’ go a-axin’ how old all dem chillunses is, caze I dunno.

Mr. C. Have you any property?

Mrs. J. Is yo’ all a tax-c’lectah?

Mr. C. No.

Mrs. J. Den it’s none ob yo’ bus’ness, an’ Ise tiah’d ob ans’in’ yo’ foolish questions so yo’ c’n jes’ take yo’ foot in yo’ han’ and go ’long.

Mr. C. But my dear—

Mrs. J. Don’ yo’ try to flirt wid me, you pasty-faced white man.

Mr. C. I have no such intentions, but—

Mrs. J. Den yo’ was in earnest when yo’ called me yo’ deah? Yo’ a-huntin’ fo’ a wife?

Mr. C. No indeed, madam.

Mrs. J. Yo’ mahied?

Mr. C. No, but—

Mrs. J. Den it all right, deah. I axcep’ yo’! Yo’ is shuah a fine lookin’ man, an’ Ise proud to be yo’ wife.

Mr. C. But my dear madam—

Mrs. J. Dat’s so, Ise yo’ deah, an’ yo’s mah honey. Let me hug yo’ once.

Mr. C. (Rising precipitately.) I must be going.

Mrs. J. Don’ yo’ hurry, honey boy. I wants ter ax yo’ some questions now. I’ll sit in yo’ lap while I does it.

Mr. C. (Going hastily out.) Excuse me, I see some one I must speak to.

Mrs. J. (Laughing heartily.) Ha, ha, ha! Did yo’ see me get rid ob dat fella wid his fool questions, Alexandah? Ho, ho, ho! As if I’d take a washed out white man in yo’ deah daddy’s shoes. Ho, ho, ho! He t’ought I was a-gwine ter kiss him! Run give him his book, sonny; he clean furgot it. Ho, ho, ho! Dat’s de way to get rid ob de Senses mans! He done made tracks libely when he t’ought I want him. Dat’s de besses joke dis yeah. I mus’ go tell Ca’liny Jackson, fo’ he gets to her house a-axin’ questions an’ peekin’ into her pribate ’fairs. Ho, ho, ho! But dat war a good one on de Senses man! (Goes out, laughing.)

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A fine entertainment for a class of women or girls, Ladies’ Aid, Christian Endeavor and Epworth League Societies, etc. Price, 25 cents per copy.

LOVE FINDS THE WAY, or The Detective That Father Hired. Music by Chas. H. Gabriel. Words by Rev. Wm. Danforth, author of “The Old District School,” etc. A highly amusing farcical song-skit, with four characters: A Determined Young Lover, an Irate Father, a Daughter with a Will of Her Own, and an Aiding and Abetting Mother—parts: tenor, basso, soprano and alto.

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THE CHAPERON. A humorous Operetta in three Acts. Libretto by Wm. Danforth. Music by Geo. F. Rosche. “The Chaperon” is a humorous operetta designed for church choir and young people’s societies. It will be found available in all communities in which seven young men and seven young ladies who sing can be found. The music is bright, tuneful, easy to learn and easy to remember. The dialogue is witty, clean, wholesome and entertaining. Price, postpaid, 60 cents per copy.

THE VISION OF HENSEL. An evening with the old songs. The old songs of childhood, youth, love, war and home. Libretto by Ellan N. Wood. There is no friend like an old friend and after all there are no songs we love quite so much as the old ones. This cantata furnishes a beautiful medium for the introduction of the old songs which we all know and love. There is just enough libretto to the work to form a continuous chain of thought throughout, and we know of no cantata that will afford such a pleasing entertainment at such a small expenditure of labor. The book is well worth its price if only to secure this fine collection of old home songs. Full of sentiment, humor and pathos and decidedly new and fresh in construction. Price, 30 cents per copy, postpaid; $3.00 per dozen, not prepaid; add 3 cents per copy for postage.

THE SPINSTERS’ CLUB. A humorous operetta in two acts. Libretto by Harriet D. Castle. Music by Geo. F. Rosche. “The Spinsters’ Club” is a humorous operetta designed for church choirs and young people’s societies. It will be found available in all communities in which a church choir is found. The music is bright, tuneful, and yet easy to learn and memorize. The dialogue is witty, pleasing and entertaining. Price, postpaid 60 cents per copy.

A returnable sample copy of any of the above mailed on receipt of 3 cents for postage; to be
returned postpaid or paid for in Thirty days.

ILLUSTRATED PANTOMIMED HYMNS

NEARER MY GOD TO THEE. Posed under the direction of Eleanor H. Denig. This is a particularly fine production and lends itself admirably for a twelve-minute addition to an evening’s entertainment in the church or hall. The instructions are very clear so that this pantomime may be prepared by anyone with ordinary talent or ability. The fourteen full figure halftone illustrations will be found an excellent help.

The music is very complete. The regular hymn tune is printed for mixed voices; also an original quartet for voices of women and an original setting for voices of men and an original duet for soprano and alto by J. S. Fearis, thus furnishing a variety of music found in no other publication of this sort. Price, 40 cents postpaid. “Not sent on examination.”

IT CAME UPON THE MIDNIGHT CLEAR. Posed under the direction of Eleanor H. Denig. This pantomime will be particularly interesting during the winter season for a twelve-minute addition to church or other entertainments. The directions are very elaborate, enabling any person to prepare the same successfully. The music is very complete, consisting of a hymn tune for mixed voices; an original setting for voices of both women and men: also a very fine duet soprano and alto; the latter by Chas. H. Gabriel. Price, 40 cents per copy postpaid. “Not sent on examination.”

New York                TULLAR-MEREDITH CO.                Chicago

==========NEW PLAYS==========

By Elizabeth F. Guptill

The School at Mud Hollow. A burlesque in two parts. 8 Males and 19 Females. Time about 2 hours. Price 35 cents.

PART I. In which is portrayed the difficulties encountered by Miss Arabella Pinkham, who has come to “Mud Hollow” to assume the responsible duties of “Teacher” in the school. In selecting “Mud Hollow” she seeks a change from the city life she is accustomed to, and finds plenty of it in the manners, customs and dialect of the pupils. From start to finish there is nothing but fun.

PART II. Which represents the last day at the school, when the proud parents are present to listen to the final examination of the class by the Supervisor and enjoy the program which is rendered by the pupils. Part II. offers an opportunity for about 60 minutes of the finest fun possible.

“The School at Mud Hollow” may be given in one evening, but for those who would prefer to make two evenings of it, or to give only one part, we offer the same work announced below under the title of “The New Teacher at Mud Hollow School” and “The Last Day at Mud Hollow School” either of which can be given as a complete entertainment without regard to the other one.

The New Teacher at Mud Hollow School. Being Part I. of THE SCHOOL AT MUD HOLLOW. 6 Males and 14 Females. Time about 1 hour. Price 25 cents.

The Last Day at Mud Hollow School. Being Part II. of THE SCHOOL AT MUD HOLLOW. 8 Males and 19 Females. Time about 1 hour. Price 25 cents.

Santa’s Rescue

Two mysterious pieces of paper fall into the hands of the children, one being found by the BOYS and one by the GIRLS. The meaning of the inscription on each remains a mystery until it is discerned that by placing the papers together they have the message that the “Old Witch” of the North has captured “Santa” and holds him in an ice prison at the North Pole. Of course there could be no “Merry Christmas” without their “patron saint”, so guided by the “Fairy Godmother” they start for the North Pole to rescue him. The “Old Witch” endeavors to block the rescuers’ way by the assistance of “Old Zero” and the “Snow Fairies” but when they learn that the snow drifts they are piling up are to aid in keeping “Santa” from his usual Christmas activities they get the “Sunbeam Fairies” to come to their aid and melt the snow, while they bind with a frozen cord the “Old Witch,” who is found indulging in a nap which she takes only once every hundred years. With the “Old Witch” powerless and in their control the Rescue of Santa is an easy matter.

Tho’ belated somewhat by his enforced stay at the North Pole, the children are glad to become his “aides” in spreading a “Merry Christmas” through all the world. This is a very clever plot, well worked out, and will make a decided hit for the Christmas season. 4 Boys and 5 Girls with any number of Fairies. Time about 1 hour. Price 25 cents.

FARCES

Taking the Census. Mr. Cole, the Census Taker, has a funny experience in an attempt to gather the facts required by the government from Mrs. Almira Johnson, a “cullud lady,” and her young son Alexander. Three characters only. Time about 10 minutes. Price 10 cents.

Answering the Phone. Mrs. Courtney and her daughter have a most trying experience with Nora Flanagan, the new “hired girl,” who in their absence attempts to carry out the instructions given with special reference to “answering the phone.” The final situation in which Nora makes a date with Miss Courtney’s “intended” is ridiculous in the extreme. 3 females. Time about 15 minutes. Price 10 cents.

The Twins and How They Entertained the New Minister. They have a delightful time telling family secrets to the “New Minister,” who has called for the first time. They explain the necessity of seeing their mother to find out from her if she is “In,” for so often she is “Out” when she is “In” and “In” when she is “Out.” 2 Males and 1 Female. Time about 15 minutes. Price 10 cents.

NO ENTERTAINMENTS SENT “ON EXAMINATION”

Transcriber’s Notes:

Obvious punctuation errors repaired. The text of the inside cover, “Best Entertainments for Any Time,” was repeated on page seven of the text. The first instance of this page was deleted from this version to avoid unnecessary repetition.

Inside back cover, “particuarly” changed to “particularly” (particularly interesting during)

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Table of Contents

- Taking the Census

- THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE