Wisdom While
You Wait

BEING A FORETASTE OF
THE GLORIES OF THE
‘INSIDECOMPLETUAR
BRITANNIAWARE’....

PRINTED FOR PRIVATE CIRCULATION

1902

Guten Morgan! Have you used
PIERPONT’S SOAP?

TESTIMONIAL.

MR. YERKES writes: ‘What a Soap!’

DR. BILL’S PALE PILLS for PINK PEOPLE

TESTIMONIALS.

PALE PILLS for PINK PEOPLE

[Pg iii]

YOU are old, Father Thunderer, old and austere;

[Pg v]

The Editors.

American Editors.

Departmental Editors.

[Pg vi]

Female Associate Editors.

Sub-Editors.

THERE ARE TWENTY OF THESE.

Sub-Sub-Editors.

THERE ARE TWENTY OF THESE TOO.

Circular Addresser.

THE EDITOR OF ‘THE SPHERE.’

[Pg 5]

PREFACE.

The publishers cannot permit this modest harbinger of their great enterprise to steal into the world without stating how thoroughly they believe in the excellence of their INSIDECOMPLETUAR, and how intense an emotion of gratitude fills their bosoms towards every one who has helped them in their stupendous production. To editors, advertising agents, compositors, and office-boys alike their hearts go forth in a flood of unctuous and oleaginous fellowship.

It is impossible for the publishers to over-estimate the pleasure which they felt on learning that Messrs. Derry and Toms were willing to join the editorial staff.

The news that came a few minutes later to the effect that Mr. Daniel Leno would also put his services at their disposal moved them to transports of gratification; only excelled by the fainting fit of rapture into which they subsided on ascertaining that Messrs. Salmon and Gluckstein’s reluctance to act[Pg 6] had been at length overcome by the tactful intercession of Bishop Welldon.

They cannot refrain from pointing out with pardonable pride that their columns contain no fewer than forty million words of text, and that if the entire staff of contributors were placed in a horizontal position, the feet of one touching the head of another, they would extend in unbroken continuity from

DENMARK HILL TO DELHI.

Again, if the collective brain avoirdupois of these gifted creatures were placed in the scale it would cause

1600 WHITE ELEPHANTS

to kick the beam with fatal violence.

Having, in duty to ourselves and our contributors, stated these simple but convincing facts, we have only to lift the curtain and invite our myriad subscribers to fall to upon the eupeptic and unparalleled banquet which it has been our privilege to provide.

December, 1902.

[Pg 7]

The
Insidecompletuar Britanniaware.

TERMS, MECHANICAL
DEVICES, AND WARNINGS.

[Pg 9]

To Intending Purchasers of our Casket of Jewels.

The instalment system as applied to this stupendous work has been so carefully arranged, as to bring the volumes

WITHIN REACH OF THE HUMBLEST,

if anybody after reading our Preface is humble any longer.

To those who are so eccentric as to prefer to pay for the INSIDECOMPLETUAR in the lump,

THE PRICE IS A COOL ‘THOU.’

For others, we have a graduated scale drawn up by the

BEST ACTUARY

that money could procure. Thus, we can take monthly payments as low as a shilling, or goods to that value, excepting perishable articles such as eggs, fish, fruit, and army boots, but the books will naturally be a little more expensive in the long run. This, however, is unimportant and negligible, as in the majority of cases it will be one’s heirs who will have to complete the purchase. For example, let us suppose that the purchaser is about to be twenty-one—and there is no better way in which to

ATTAIN ONE’S MAJORITY

than in the company of our invaluable INSIDECOMPLETUAR—the subjoined table will show at what age his monthly[Pg 10] payments at a shilling will cease, also at eighteenpence and two shillings. Simple division will enable the hesitating purchaser to compute the time required for higher rates of instalment.

But what the purchasers on the hire system cannot

TOO CLEARLY UNDERSTAND,

is that although the instalments go on, the volumes are

DELIVERED AT ONCE.

On the morning after the first shilling instalment is received they will

COME WITH THE MILK.

Nothing can stop them. Your pavement will be blocked by them within twenty-four hours of posting your remittance, unless, of course, the coal-shoot is open. Understand this clearly, we

CANNOT TAKE THEM BACK.

Once we have got a set off our hands, threats, persuasion, tears, and entreaties are alike powerless to induce us to receive it again.

WE WANT YOUR CASH.

[Pg 11]

Secrecy Guaranteed if Required.

Conscious as we are that the acquisition of an INSIDECOMPLETUAR is tantamount to a confession of ignorance, we have made arrangements for the complete deception of the neighbours of Fellows of the Royal Society, and Members of other learned Societies. Purchasers have but to express the wish and we will express the volumes packed to simulate alien articles, such as groceries, pianos, blocks of granite, pressed beef, hardware, cork lino, Derby Brights, coffins, or the Dictionary of National Biography.

The purchaser has only to fill up and return the appended form:—

To the Proprietors of the INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE.

SIR,—I enclose [here insert the amount of your first instalment] as a first instalment of the purchase-money of your inestimable boon. In sending the volumes please pack them to resemble [here insert whatever you wish the volumes to be so packed as to resemble].

Believe me, yours gratefully and admiringly,

[Here insert your name.]

Mr. Bernard Shaw writes: ‘So admirable were the precautions of your secret supply service that Mrs. Shaw is still under the impression that the cellar merely contains a year’s supply of Grape Nuts.’

[Pg 12]

Despatch in Delivery.

Every set sent out within two minutes of receiving the order.

In order to ensure perfect punctuality of delivery, Mr. Automobilé Bell has made arrangements with the Strand Vestry for the use of their 20 H.P. steam traction engine, preceded by a red danger signal, to secure a free field and no favour.

Lord Esher writes: ‘I had hardly turned round after posting my order before my steps were completely congested. Our only exit from the house has since been by means of a fire-escape.’

Dr. Clifford writes: ‘They come up like mushrooms.’

[Pg 13]

Humphry Ward’s Iron Buildings.

To cope with the difficulty of accommodating a work that multiplies with such alarming regularity, Mr. Humphry Ward has devised a system of Iron Buildings.

ONE HOUSE ONE CYCLO

is a good rule, but all houses cannot cope with the strain. Hence Mr. Humphry Ward’s noble project.

These buildings are easily erected, and for housing the INSIDECOMPLETUAR are superior in every way to the old method of shooting them into the coal-cellar, where the process of reference was difficult.

Lady Warwick writes:—‘It is quite an addition to Warwick Castle. Mr. Joseph Arch, who was calling here the other day with some more autobiographical materials, was greatly taken with it.’

The Hon. Lionel Walter Rothschild, M.P., writes:—‘As winter quarters for my Zebras I do not know what I should do without it.’

[Pg 14]

Warning to Subscribers.

Purchasers who do not invest in Humphry Ward’s Iron Buildings, are cautioned against storing the Encyclopædia anywhere but in the basement. To the unfortunate descent of a complete set from the second floor to the ground in a house at Queen’s Gate has been attributed by Professor Camille Flammarion not only the eruption of Mont Pelée but the destruction of the Campanile of St. Mark.

The Duchess of Sutherland wires:—‘Please send Humphry Ward immediately. Oldest turret in Dunrobin Castle in ruins. Navvies excavating supplement.’

Dr. H. S. Lunn writes:—‘I regret to say that we inadvertently committed the cardinal error of placing your otherwise admirable volumes in an upper apartment. The house is old, and I am now writing in the cowshed surrounded by my shivering family. If you have any Humphry Wards of a larger size please send them by luggage train.’

[Pg 15]

Patent Book Shelf Beds.

Mr. Honey-Buckle’s patent Dormi-Cyclo, registered as The Bee, is an ingenious contrivance so arranged that what appears to be merely a handsome set of shelves containing our colossal work of reference, will, by the pressure of a button, turn into a comfortable four-poster.

Those readers who are reduced to the natural end of perusing our pages have but to press the button to find the pillows ready for them.

Honey-Buckle’s Bee combines

BANE AND ANTIDOTE.

Lord Curzon writes:—

‘Government House, Calcutta.

‘Your Dormi-Cyclo most satisfactory. Have never had better nights.’

Dr. Sven Hedin writes:—‘As a means of combating the notorious insomnia prevalent in the highlands of Thibet I took your Dormi-Cyclo with me on my recent journey. It never failed. The Grand Lama after one trial sank into a state of coma from which he has not since emerged.’

[Pg 16]

Our Wet Summer.

The conviction now prevailing in meteorological circles is that the humidity of the summer from which we have recently suffered is due to the INSIDECOMPLETUAR. The compensating aridity of which the country was so sorely in need was all secreted in the 100 volumes of our tenth edition. In view of this fact it is impossible to exaggerate the necessity incumbent on all purchasers to take out a

FIRE INSURANCE POLICY,

as the INSIDECOMPLETUAR is a very hotbed of dry light. Terms on application.

[Pg 17]

Bell’s Hydraulic Cranes.

Owing to the exorbitant avoirdupois of this stupendous work, the ordinary reader cannot consult it in comfort without mechanical assistance. To meet this want Mr. Dumbelley Bell has designed a patent

HYDRAULIC CRANE,

easily attached to the study-table, supplied with motive power from a Bellville boiler in the back kitchen. Terms cash; or on the forty-one years’ hire system.

Miss Louie Freear writes: ‘I do not know where I should have been without your Titan crane. Before you could say knife it had picked up three volumes and hurled them through the drawing-room ceiling. As they seem to be irretrievably stuck in the plaster, will you please send three more. As far as we can tell by a process of simple subtraction they are vols. xiv., xxiii., and lxiv.’

Madame Clara Butt writes: ‘I find it matchless for lifting Mother’s Joy.’

Sir Thomas Lipton, Bart., writes: ‘It is splendid. I [Pg 19]really believe it would lift the Cup!’

[Pg 18]

EXTRACTS FROM VARIOUS ARTICLES
in the New Volumes of the Insidecompletuar Britanniaware

N.B.—These are only portions of the Articles. The Articles are heaps longer.

ADVICE TO EMIGRANTS.

From the Article (80 pages) specially contributed by LADY WARWICK.

Africa.—... This dark yet fascinating continent, which extends from the Cape to Cairo and from the Bight of Benin to the Beit of Park Lane, Africa, the home of the gorilla, the ju-ju, the kopje, and the blockhouse, has recently loomed large in the public eye.... To discuss the recent military operations in view of their masterly treatment by Lady Jeune in another place [see The Boer War, its History and Lessons], would savour of supererogation. It is enough to state here that the women were splendid, especially at the Mount Nelson Hotel. The principal exports of Africa at the present moment are Boer Generals, Reservists, and books on the war. The principal import is Joe....

[The New Volume also contains Articles on COLD STORAGE, ORIEL SCHOLARS, CORDITE, &c.]

[Pg 20]

THE WILD WEST.

From the Special Article (68 pages) by LORD KELVIN, Mr. CHARLES HAWTREY, and Mrs. CARRIE NATION:

America.—... The Fauna of America is extensive and peculiar. Unlike other civilised countries, dangerous wild beasts and birds of prey are commonly encountered in the most populous districts. Nothing can exceed the ferocity of the Trust Fowl, while whole regions of New York are rendered unsafe by the ravages of the Tammany Bos and the Tammany Tiger. Yet alongside these examples of barbarous atavism, one encounters evidences of singular refinement and humanity. Mr. Roosevelt, though originally a cowboy, has set his face like a flint against the tyranny of the Beef Trust, and only a superficial observer would count Mr. Hay as a man of straw. Furthermore, the humanising influence of American culture is signally displayed by its principal exports, which include, amongst other products, J. Pierpont Morgan, canned peaches, Mr. Duke, duchesses, R. G. Knowles, coon songs, Quaker oats, Tabs, Christian Science, Virginia hams, cocktails, Major Pond, Honeysuckles, Bees, and Edna May....

In the matter of liquid refreshment America has always set a high standard of excellence. As George Washington[Pg 21] aptly observed, ‘I care not who makes the laws of this nation so long as their drinks are discreetly mixed.’...

But the supreme boon conferred on the western world by this great Republic has yet to be revealed. All that is best in the present great Thesaurus of Universal Knowledge, the Insidecompletuar Britanniaware; all the electrifying ragtime methods of our scheme of advertisement; all the ‘sideshows’ in this superb and brainy bazaar; are the product of the volcanic and voluptuous Transatlantic imagination....

[The New Volumes also contain articles on LESSER COLUMBUS, MRS. EDDY, and LOOPING THE LOOP.]

THE MORAL INFLUENCE OF THE MOTOR-CAR.

From the Special Article (2 pages) by ALFRED HARMSWORTH, O.M.:

Automobilism.—... No self-respecting editor should possess fewer than six motor-cars, if he has any consideration for the well-being of his staff. Personally I have fifteen—called after my brothers—with a set of costumes and a perfume to match each. Peau de Suède and Parma violets go best with a Panhard; Crêpe de Chine and Patchouli with[Pg 22] a Napier; Accordion-pleated nun’s veiling and Sanitas with a Daimler; crocodile skin and Lavender Water with a Serpollet. Great care should also be taken in the choice of a chauffeur. Thus for my new 75 h.p. ‘Mors’ omnibus I have been careful to secure a driver with a veritable death’s head. Much depends also on the timbre and pitch of the horn, and the employment of a short musical phrase or motif as a danger signal to unwary pedestrians has been found to exercise a singularly seductive influence. I may note in conclusion that the exhilaration produced by a quick run is most stimulating to the imagination of the intelligent journalist. In fact it may be laid down as a canon, that the faster one travels the more explosively one writes, and good journalism should be a series of explosions. Automobility is incompatible with senility, and I attribute the perennial youth of my staff to the constant inhalation of the antiseptic fumes of my mechanical stud. Those whom the ‘gods’ applaud must stay or die young....

[See also extract on page 55 from the Article on the TIMES.]

[Pg 23]

Superb Plate from the Article Agriculture in the New Volumes of the INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE.

SHEPHERD AT WORK.

RAM WITH CURLY HORNS.

BLOOD HORSE.

HARVESTING, OLD STYLE.

SERVICEABLE BED FOR FARMER.

[Pg 25]

Superb Plate from the Article Architecture in the New Volumes of the INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE.

DORMER WINDOW AND SIERRA-NEVADA ROOF.

BUILDING THE NEW ROMAN CATHOLIC CATHEDRAL AT WESTMINSTER.

[Pg 27]

INFANT MORTALITY IN MUSIC.

From the Special Article (71 pages) by Mr. HENRY BIRD, Accompanist at the ‘Pops,’ and the St. James’s Ballad Concerts; Organist at St. Mary Abbot’s, Kensington, &c.:

Ballad Concerts.—... A long and arduous experience of this class of entertainment has convinced me of the immense difficulty of prolonging the life of children beyond the second verse of a sentimental ballad. Once the chords in the accompaniment are grouped in threes nothing can save them from the celestial regions. Here we may note the great superiority of Music over the other arts. Literature gives us the grand conception of the Heavenly Twins, but Music presents us with the still grander achievement of the Angelic Triplets....

[The New Volumes also contain Articles on MADAME CLARA BUTT, WHOOPING COUGH, and the Works of F. E. WEATHERLY.]

Baskervilles, Hound of. See DOGS’ HOME.

Bigham, Mr. Justice. See OMAN’S ‘ART OF WAUGH.’

[Pg 28]

MEN OF LETTERS MANUFACTURED NOT BORN.

From the Special Article (13 pages) by Mr. GUY BOOTHBY:

Bookmaking.—... Towards the close of the Nineteenth Century the literary output was enormously increased by the intervention of labour-saving machinery. Had the phonograph and the type-writer been available in the Elizabethan era I feel convinced that Bacon would have written not only Shakespeare, but the entire literature of the civilised world. A full-sized, full-blooded novel can now be produced in ten days, for although the employment of band-working machines to some extent weakens each section, this weakening can be partially neutralised by careful headbanding. Furthermore, undue and laborious insistence on niceties of expression is largely obviated by the greater rapidity of production now attainable. Style is no longer a fetish, and breaches of grammar or syntax no longer constitute an obstacle in the way of generous public recognition....

[The New Volumes also contain Articles on HOT CAKES, LITERARY AGENTS, and GEORGE MEREDITH.]

Bridge. See Mrs. SARAH BATTLE.

[Pg 29]

A MANXMAN INDEED!

From the Special Article (61 pages) by the MINX-WOMAN:

Caine, Hall.—... As he stood considerably more than six feet in height, was a fairly trained athlete, and had a countenance of extraordinary impressiveness, if not of commanding beauty—Greek in type with a dash of the Hebrew—we may assume that there had never before appeared on the Manx highroads so majestic-looking a Deemster as he who, on an afternoon in May, left his semi-detached castle with bundle and stick to begin life on the roads that lead to Rome. Shaping his course to the south-west, he soon found himself in the Eternal City. And then his extraordinary adventures began....

[The New Volumes also contain Articles on POPES ON THE STAGE, PUBLISHERS’ READERS, THE HOUSE OF KEYS, and KING EDWARD VII.]

Crawford, the Brothers. See THE LOCKED SAFE.

[Pg 30]

WHAT DID C. B. FRY?

From the Special Article (31 pages, not out) by Mr. EUSTACE MILES, and Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING.

Cricket.—That something must be done to save the game is certain. Whether we should restrict all first-class cricketers to a plasmon diet, or use a thorough base-ball charged with lyddite is a moot question. Some authorities—including Abel—suggest the substitution of a regulation ’All Caine for the present bat, whilst others are for adding six stumps, six inches apart, and doubling the number of fieldsmen. It has also been suggested that, as the spectator is after all the principal person to be considered, every visitor to the ground should receive a revolver at the turnstile, to be emptied upon the players at his discretion. The apparent folly of employing flannel for the costume of the players seemed to call for legislation on the part of the M.C.C. But the discovery—during a recent inspection of the Jaeger Rifle Club—that flannel is the basic material of hygienic pastime-wear has induced us to modify our hostile verdict. The phrase ‘muddied oafs’ as applied to footballers still stands....

[The New Volumes also contain Articles on PINGPONGITIS, HASKELL BALL, TENNIS TWINS, TRANBY CROFT, DOPING, BRIDGE, and VICTOR TRUMPER.]

[Pg 31]

RAILWAY REFORM.

From the Special Article by Mr. Yerkes.

Directors.—Nothing can be done in this matter until Directors and Sleepers cease to be, as they now are, interchangeable....

[The New Volumes also contain Articles on THE SEVEN SLEEPERS OF EPHESUS and THE CHISLEHURST TUNNEL.]

A GOOD JUDGE.

From the Special Article (41 pages) by Sir FRANCIS JEUNE.

Divorce.—Marriages are made in Heaven, but are marred in Brighton....

[The New Volumes also contains Articles on HENRY VIII. and CHICAGO.]

OUR LITTLE EDENS.

From the Special Article by ‘AUNTIE EVE,’ and the EDITOR of ‘The Pergola.’

Gardening.—The first requisite of the modern gardener is books. It is necessary to have too many, and as they are published at the rate of three a week, one can easily accomplish this. In buying seeds remember that Buttons’ are the best,[Pg 32] and we shall take it kindly if you mention our name when you send your orders. Primroses are best grown from roots. This was the favourite flower of Napoleon at St. Helena. A serviceable evening dress can be made by collecting old lamp shades, stripping them from their wire frames, and joining the pieces. Remember also that in default of regulation celluloid balls for ping-pong, unripe tomatoes form an excellent substitute. The first and last word in successful gardening is the preparation of the soil. No soil is too rich for the dandelion. If your creepers are too rampant remember that they can be checked by the use of Keating, in ordering which please mention this work. An excellent substitute for champagne is obtained by mixing gooseberry juice and sugar with the cheapest form of aerated water, and bottling it in old champagne bottles, which can be obtained from the nearest golf club. A watering-pot is a sine quâ non in good gardening, also a dictionary of quotations and some ridiculous neighbours. With this equipment the modern gardener, in the space of six months or so, ought to be able to fulfil the main object of his calling, and compile a book which will appeal to persons utterly unable to distinguish a pansy from a cauliflower.

[The New Volumes also contain Articles on SLOE GIN, CROQUET, SPADEWORK, and the KAILYARD SCHOOL.]

[Pg 33]

Superb Plate from the Article The Goths in the New Volumes of the INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE.

SIMPLE GOTHIC SHELTER FOR SHEEP AND LAMBS.

SUBURBAN GOTHIC CHURCH WITHOUT SPIRE.

[Pg 35]

THE NEW ENGINEERING.

From the Special Article (19 pages) by Mr. T. GIBSON BOWLES, M.P.

Gibraltar’s Harbour.—The Detached Mole, forming the westerly boundary of the harbour, is of a different type of construction. It is a vertical wall formed of what appear to be massive concrete blocks, but are really the volumes of the Insidecompletuar Britanniaware, the greater number of which are of 32 tons in weight, arranged upon what is known as the sloping block system, and founded upon a rubble mound of stone deposited from barges and levelled for the reception of the blocks by divers. Concrete was then filled in as rapidly as possible until the entire mass, weighing about 9000 tons, had formed, so to speak, an artificial rock or island in the sea, being, in fact, a completed section of the breakwater itself. Upon this foundation were erected two block-setting Titans (see TITAN CRANES), capable of setting 36-ton blocks, or volumes, at a radius of 75 feet, by which means this mole has been rapidly extended north and south to its full length of 2720 feet....

[The New Volumes also contain Articles on LIGHT LITERATURE and THE ASSOUAN DAM.]

[Pg 36]

THE TRIBUTE OF A GRAND DUKE.

From the Special Article by Professor HORACE HUTCHINSON.

Haskell Ball.—... This extraordinary projectile, the fruit of Transatlantic ingenuity, has been likened by the Grand Duke Michael to an infuriated pat of butter....

[The New Volumes also contain Articles on JUMPING BEANS, GUTTA SERENA, and MR. BALFOUR.]

AN IMPERIOUS NEPHEW.

From the Special Article (43 pages) by * * * *

Hohenzollern, William.—Now that his moustache has ceased to point to China, he can be contemplated with more serenity.... It is breaking no confidence to state that the expedition to the hop district of Kent, which King Edward VII. contemplated, was abandoned principally on account of the receipt of a somewhat testy missive from Posen requesting as a personal favour that no countenance be given to gardens which, the writer understood, were full of Poles....

[The New Volumes also contain Articles on LORD LONSDALE and THE EXTERMINATION OF RABBITS.]

[Pg 37]

Superb Plate from the Article on Holland in the New Volumes of the INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE.

VIEW NEAR VOLENDAM.

THE HOTEL AT AMSTERDAM WHERE THE BOER GENERAL STAYED.

[Pg 39]

THE GREATEST SINCE LEANDER.

From the Special Article (2000 superlatives) by ALGERNON CHARLES SWINBURNE.

Holbein, Montagu.—In 1902 Montagu Holbein inaugurated the Twentieth Century with a feat of such sublime and unsubmergible endurance as won for him an aureole of imperishable lustre. Battling the billows with an indomitable dexterity more like that of an inspired cachalot than a finless mortal, this intrepid and miraculous hero only consented to be withdrawn from the waves when reduced to the verge of irremediable collapse. Greater than Leander by virtue of the incomparably more arduous nature of his exploit, greater than Matthew Webb by reason of his ineffably nobler and more euphonious name, Montagu Holbein has established a title to undying remembrance that exalts him to the level of transcendental achievement hitherto attained by Shakespeare, Hugo, and Dickens alone....

[The New Volumes also contain Articles on WATTS-DUNTON, BECKWITH, and HOW TO FLOAT A COMPANY.]

Humbert, Madame. See EXTRADITION.

[Pg 40]

SHAKESPEAREAN LITERATURE.

From the Special Article (14 pages) by Mrs. WELLS GALLUP:

Lee, Sidney.—... Mr. Lee is a cipher....

[The New Volumes also contain an Article on BACON, by Father Ignatius.]

POPES ON THE STAGE.

From the Special Article by Mr. BEERBOHM TREE.

Leo XXXIII.—... Conspicuous in many ways as was this venerable pontiff, his true vocation came to him, as it often does, late in life. Not until he was in his tenth decade was his unparalleled suitability for stage representation brought to light. This piece of good fortune synchronised with the discovery by the Italian investigator and dramatist of genius, Mr. Hall Caine, that His Holiness had a liaison in early youth with Mrs. Leo Hunter, the fruit of which was the Honourable Bosseye, the inspired Demagogue.

[The New Volumes also contain Articles on TASTE, TACT, and THE NEW ROMAN CATHOLIC CATHEDRAL.]

[Pg 41]

Superb Plate from the Article London in the New Volumes of the INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE.

THE BRITISH MUSEUM.

VIEW IN KENSINGTON GARDENS.

[Pg 43]

Superb Plate from the Article Luther in the New Volumes of the INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE.

BAROMETER-CLOCK FROM LUTHER’S HOUSE.

CANDLE LIGHTED BY LATIMER AND RIDLEY.

THE POPE AS HE APPEARED TO LUTHER.

FONT WHERE LUTHER WAS CHRISTENED.

[Pg 44]

LUTHER’S BATH PACKED FOR TRAVELLING.

[Pg 45]

THE GREATEST VICTIM OF PANAMA.

From the Special Article (39 pages) by H. G. S. A. O. DE BLOWITZ, Ph.D.:

Lesseps.—... At his advanced age he went with his youngest child to Panama to see with his own eyes the field of his new enterprise. He there beheld the Culebra and the Chagres; he saw the mountain and the stream, those two greatest obstacles of nature that sought to bar his route. He paid no heed to them, but began the struggle against the Culebra and the Chagres. It was against them that was broken his invincible will, sweeping away in the defeat the work of Panama, his own fortune, his fame, and almost an atom of his honour. But this atom, only grazed by calumny, has already been restored to him by posterity, for he died poor, having been the first to suffer by the disaster to his illusions....

[The New Volumes also contain Articles on STYLE, THE ATOMIC THEORY, and THE MIGHTY ATOM.]

Locked Safe, The. See MADAME HUMBERT.

[Pg 46]

A FRENCH LAKE.

From the Special Article (21 pages) by M. CAMILLE PELLETAN. Translated by Mr. EDMUND GOSSE:

Mediterranean.—... Here we have, in perfection, all the materials of a French lake. The water is there, the shores are there, there are no tides. What could be better? Nothing disturbs the Gallic character of this charming inland sea but the occasional presence of a line of coast belonging to another country, such as Italy, Spain, Turkey, Austria, or the accidental chance that has given an island here or a fortress there to England. But what are obstacles such as these to a new Minister of Marine fresh from a newspaper office? Why should England, the eternal boule-dogue in the manger, enjoy in the persons of her statesmen the monopoly of ornamental, if indiscreet, metaphors? If it is impossible to expel Nature with a fork, why should not I, in the infectious warmth of a banquet, be permitted to employ the long spoon of Lord Joseph Chamberlain?...

[The New Volumes also contain Articles on CARTHAGE, CORSICA, and AFTER-DINNER ORATORS.]

Meredith, George. See ORDER OF MERIT—in vain.

[Pg 47]

Superb Plate from the Article Poetry in the New Volumes of the INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE.

MR. ALFRED AUSTIN’S WREATH.

MR. ALFRED AUSTIN’S WEAPON.

[Pg 48]

[Pg 49]

A CURIOUS TRIBE.

From the Special Article (28 pages) by Sir JOHN GORST.

Nonconformists.—... Always a belligerent people, nothing so excites the fighting instincts of this tribe as the Beast with the Seven Clause. The sight of him produces in them every symptom of activity. Preparations for the strife may be seen in all directions. Their chiefs, the principal of whom are KLIPHUD and PAJOPS, rally their hosts with such battle-cries as NOPOPRI, NODOLES....

[The New Volume also contains Articles on RATE-PAYING, HUGHLIGANS, and BIRMINGHAM.]

BLUNDELLING AND BLUNDERING.

From the Special Article (41 pages) by Sir BLUNDELL MAPLE, Bart., M.P.:

Remounts.—... The officers of the Remount Department seem to have overlooked the circumstance, not so much that the horse is an animal with a leg at each corner, but that these legs should be at least as strong as those fitted to a[Pg 50] Tottenham Court Road table. Just as there is a use for everything, even Shoolbred’s, so there is a use for a horse with three legs. I do not say the army can do without such an animal. But he has no proper place in a cavalry regiment; his place is among the beef stores. This confusion of duties, this exchange of interests between the Remount and the Commissariat Department, was one of the blots on the recent South African war. Shipload after shipload of horses arrived in Table Bay (I take pleasure in writing the name of a geographical feature so admirably chosen) all excellently adapted for the purpose of the cuisine, but all destined by official perversity for the capture of De Wet. It is such methods that we must avoid in the future, and it is for this purpose that I have imported a sterling line of cane-bottomed mustangs from the Austrian Bent Woods, which I am prepared to offer to the War Office at a low rate, subject to discount for cash, if Mr. Brodrick has any....

[The New Volumes also contain Articles on BEEF EXTRACTS, CHEVRIL, and CROCKERY (by Lord Lonsdale), CAVALLERIA RUSTICANA, and HUNGARY.]

[Pg 51]

Superb Plate from the Article The Earl of Rosebery in the New Volumes of the INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE.

THE HOME FARM, MENTMORE.

[Pg 53]

THE HIGHER LIFE.

From the Article (12 pages) by LIEUT.-COL. NEWNHAM-DAVIS.

Restaurants—... Advancing civilisation having shown that efficiency is based on fine feeding, it is the paramount duty of every patriotic Briton to dine not wisely but too well. As a great gourmet has remarked, a rich menu spells a happy ménage. At the same time it is advisable to dine at home as seldom as possible: it is cheap but monotonous, and often nasty, and there are 150 restaurants in London where a succulent dinner can be had for anything from 15s. to 30s. a head, a fact of which the British workman seems to be painfully unaware. The conversation of a chef, or even an intelligent waiter, is, it should be borne in mind, almost invariably stimulating and refined. By thus conscientiously evading the dreariness of domesticity, a self-respecting and well-nourished citizen, reinvigorated by repeated visits to Monte Carlo, Cannes, Homburg, and occasional week-ends at the most luxurious hotels on the south coast, may be able to support the burden of existence with equanimity, and be ready for his country’s call. Every house should be connected to a good restaurant by a souptureenean passage....

[The New Volumes also contain Articles on WEEK-ENDS, PEARCE AND PLENTY, and DWARFS.]

[Pg 54]

A GREAT WRITER.

From the Special Article (111 pages) by HALL CAINE, M.H.K.:

Shakespeare, William.—... I was born at Stormville, in the Isle of Heine-mann, in the year 1853. Hall is not my only Christian name; like Huxley, I was also called Thomas Henry, but in no other respects can I be said to resemble that ruthless materialist, my whole life being dedicated to the furtherance of emotional religion and the betterment of Man. After a brief but soulful experience of provincial journalism, I came up to London at the invitation of Sidney Lee, Writer to the Cygnet of Avon, and commenced as a dramatic author. I subsequently visited Ignatius Donnelly in America, Pope Leo XIII. at the Vatican, and was the first person to interview royalty in the halfpenny press.

[The New Volumes also contain Articles on Mr. BEERBOHM TREE, TEMPORAL POWER, and THE SERVICE OF MAN.]

Spencer, Herbert. See ORDER OF MERIT—in vain.

[Pg 55]

ONE OF THE WORLD’S MASTERPIECES.

From the Special Article (91 pages) by LORD ELGIN.

Statuary.—... The Venus of Milo in the Louvre is an excellent example of what we mean. The student, by the way, may approach without fear—she is quite armless. But perhaps still more to our point is the bust of Mr. Barrie in Carreras marble, recently erected at the corner of Quality Street and Wardour Street. Could anything be more effective than the curve of his pipe stem? Recent sculpture has nothing better to show than this....

[The New Volumes also contain Articles on RODIN and the CRICHTON CLUB.]

SENILITY V. YOUTH IN JOURNALISM.

From the Special Article (1 page) by Mr. HILDEBRAND HANNIBAL HARMSWORTH.

‘The Times.’—... This once famous organ, undermined by the deadly competition of an efficient halfpenny press, fell into its dotage in the last decade of the nineteenth century. Feeble efforts were made to bolster it up by distributing[Pg 56] it as a bonus to purchasers of the ninth and tenth edition of the Encyclopædia Britannica, but an article condemning motor-cars marked the beginning of the end. An old paper run by a senile staff could no longer make headway against the triumphant combination of youth and ‘hustle.’ This fact can best be illustrated in the same way that the Daily Mail displayed the ages of railway directors—by the appended tables giving at a glance the ages of the leading men in the two organizations in the summer of 1902:—

[The New Volume also contains Articles on THE EXPANSION OF TELEGRAMS, NEWS INVESTIGATORS, FIRE BRIGADES, and IMPERIALIST LIBERALISM.]

[Pg 57]

Superb Plate from the Article Thames in the New Volumes of the INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE.

FLAG ON HOUSEBOAT.

SHELL FOUND IN BACKWATER.

SWAN FEEDING CYGNETS.

BULRUSHES NEAR PANGBOURNE.

QUAINT DESIGN ON OLD INN AT SONNING.

[Pg 59]

THE MAKING OF MAUSOLEUMS.

From the Special Article (81 pages) by Professor ALGERNON ASHTON.

Tomb-building.—... The architecture of mausoleums, tombs, cenotaphs, and other mortuary monuments has shown of late years a deterioration in regard to solidity of structure very painful to me in my cemeterial constitutionals from Kensal Green to Gravesend. Instead of the Cyclopean ponderosity of the Pre-Mycenæan epoch, one notices everywhere a flimsiness of material and meretriciousness of ornament most distressing to the serious observer. The trail of the jerry-builder is over all. I rejoice, however, to note signs of a return to a saner and more solid style of memorial architecture. Foremost in this movement are the enlightened and enterprising inventors of Bell’s Encyclopædic Tomb Blocks which in point of density of texture and specific gravity compare favourably with any other materials, whether of metal, brick, or stone. Once placed in position they cannot be removed even by the wildest of hydraulic rams or the most ferocious of cranes. I can conceive no more ideal resting-place for a wearied littérateur than a mausoleum constructed of these stupendous and impressive blocks. Where, indeed, could a man sleep more profoundly[Pg 60] or tranquilly than when sepulchred in the very heart of the condensed extract of omniscience?...

[The new Volumes also contain Articles on the WOKING GOLF CLUB, WAGNER’S TRAUERMARSCH, SUTTEE, the ROYAL COLLEGE OF MUSIC, and CREMATION.]

DINING ROOM DECORATIONS.

From the Special Article (50 pages) by WALTER CRANE.

Wall-papers.—... The worst of amateur carving, as an American observer has aptly remarked, is that the gravy so seldom matches the colour of the wall paper....

[The new Volumes also contain Articles on TURTLE SOUP, POKER WORK, and WILLIAM MORRIS.]

War Office. See FOURTH FLOOR FLATS.

Whitewash. See SPECIAL COMMISSIONS.

[Pg 61]

Superb Plate from the Article on Tomb-Building, by Prof. Algernon Ashton, in the New Volumes of the INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE.

TOMB INSPECTOR AT WORK.

[Pg 63]

SIGNOR MACARONI’S TRIUMPH.

From the Special Article (61 pages) by Sir WILLIAM PREECE.

Wireless Telegraphy.—... The main principle of the system, by which messages can be transmitted without wires above or below ground, was already established by Professor John Oliver Lodge and myself, before the celebrated Italian chef conceived the idea of employing these tubes of flour for the purpose. The Macaroni system, as it is now generally called, has this immense advantage over all others, that in moments of emergency the entire plant can be utilised as a nutritious article of diet, while the great reduction in the number of poles required renders it peculiarly acceptable to the German Emperor ... who has already dispatched several macaronigrams....

[The New Volumes also contain Articles on PAINLESS DENTISTRY, LEGLESS BARONETS, and HAIRLESS DRAMATISTS.]

A GREAT YACHTSMAN.

[From the Specially Blended Article by Sir THOMAS LIPTON, Bart.]

Yachting.—... I was born at Youghal. The first thing I can remember is a discussion between my parents as to[Pg 64] what my name should be. My mother wanted me to be called Guelph; but my father would not agree. ‘No,’ said my father, ‘he shall be called Thomas, because it begins with tea.’ I was not an unhappy child, but it was said in the family that I took out a whine licence very early. My passion for the water seems to have begun incredibly soon. I am told that before I could walk or speak I would spend hours propped against the bath racing the soap-dish against the hair-brush. My favourite reading was the Tailor and Cutter and the Pilot. At Eton I was of course a wet bob. But I did not neglect my studies. I had Bacon by heart, and I won a prize for an essay on the probable route of the exodus of the Sons of Ham, which I traced to Africa viâ the City Road.

From Eton I proceeded to Cambridge, where I soon became an Elder Brother of Trinity Hall and a Fellow of Kings. I took kindly to golf, at which I was famed for my tea-shots, but my real taste all lay in an aquatic direction, and in my second year I obtained my blue-jacket as the most accomplished waterman on the Cam.

[The New Volumes also contain Articles on CUP-LIFTING, AMERICAN CHIVALRY, and TANNIN.]

[Pg 65]

It Rejuvenates.

[Pg 66]

Specimen Interview between the Editor and a Contributor.

E. Good morning, Mr. Blank; have you done the Spurgeon?

C. I have it with me.

E. And the Herbert Spencer?

C. You shall have it to-morrow.

E. That’s good. And now I want you to tackle Bimetallism, the Beef Trust, and a life of Ruskin. Can I have them by Wednesday morning?

C. Certainly.

E. And, Mr. Blank ——?

C. Yes.

E. Please contrive not to get the facts mixed this time. When you sent in your two last articles, you credited Lord Salisbury with the ‘Washington Post,’ and stated that Sousa had never really understood the art of ingratiating himself with the wives of Tory wire-pullers.

[Pg 67]

[Pg 69]

SOME UNSOLICITED TESTIMONIALS.

To the Housewife.

It should be borne in mind that there is

NO NEED TO BE LITERARY

to find the INSIDECOMPLETUAR useful.

When

A CASTER IS OFF THE PIANO

a single volume will remedy the defect.

Two volumes placed in his chair will

MAKE BABY HIGHER.

A pile of ten to twenty volumes is

AS GOOD AS A STEP-LADDER.

Ranged in the form of a Pyramid, they will agreeably recall

THE EXPLOITS OF CHEOPS.

In the event of a sudden arrival, or birth in the family, a serviceable

SPARE BEDROOM

can actually be built out of the supplementary volumes.

[Pg 70]

To Landscape Gardeners.

Our volumes are indispensable in the rapid and effective construction of rockeries.

Mr. Alfred Austin writes:—

‘Swinford Old Manor.

I don’t know what the garden that I love would be like without your entertaining work. Our Sedum maximum has never thriven with such luxuriance as it does this year wedged comfortably between vol. vii. and vol. xciii.’

Elizabeth, writing from Germany, says:—

‘Our INSIDECOMPLETUAR rockery is beyond praise. I regret to say, however, that the gardener inadvertently left a volume on the path, and the Man of Wrath fell over it and stubbed his toe. His temper has since been something too fearful.’

[Pg 71]

For Low-lying Districts.

Residents in the fen country or districts liable to sudden inundation will find the volumes invaluable in constructing

A SOLID CAUSEWAY

from their houses to the dry land.

The Dean of Ely writes:—

‘Nothing but your inestimable volumes saved many of my poor flock during our recent disastrous floods. There is not a dry page in the whole set.’

[Pg 72]

To Shipowners.

Our volumes make the best ballast.

Mr. J. Pierpont Morgan writes:—

‘We are ballasting all the vessels in our new White Stripe Line with your superb and avoirdupoisy Cyclo. Please send eighty more kegs.’

[Pg 73]

To Authors.

No one engaged in authorship can afford to be without these priceless volumes. They contain the material of all books written or unwritten.

As a literary man has sung:—

[Pg 74]

To Athletes.

Try your strength by lifting our volumes.

By gradual stages adding a volume every few days one will soon come to

LIFT THE WHOLE SET.

President Roosevelt writes:—‘My chest measurement has increased 8 inches and my biceps 4 since I bought the INSIDE. BRIT. If you will send me your Atlas and the History of the War I can box Tammany and the Trusts into the Atlantic.’

Eugene Sandow writes:—‘I now use your volumes exclusively in my schools of Physical Culture in place of the old-fashioned weights, bar-bells, &c.’

[Pg 75]

To Travellers.

Intending residents in countries liable to seismic disturbances will find that the stability of their houses is enormously enhanced by the possession even of a single volume of the INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE. A whole set will render the flimsiest structure practically

PROOF AGAINST EARTHQUAKE.

The Marquis Ito writes:—‘Since the arrival of your volumes my house has preserved an immobility that would break the heart of General French.’

Mr. Richard Poseidon Cadbury writes:—‘All Earth-Quakers welcome thy solidifying tomes.’

[Pg 76]

To Photographers.

A complete set of the INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE when used as a background for portraits of learned men is invaluable for imparting an aroma of omniscience.

Messrs. Bassoono write:—‘Our series of photographs of the members of Mr. C. K. Shorter’s Academy of Letters, under the title ‘Types of English Genius’ would be nothing but for your INSIDECOMPLETUAR. We inclose for your inspection a portrait of Mr. Lecky casually consulting his own biography in Vol. LIV.’

[Pg 77]

To the Army.

Entrenched behind a complete set of the INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE, two well-armed men can keep a host at bay.

The INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE is a

CONVENIENT AND PORTABLE EARTHWORK.

No shot or shell can pierce it.

Christian De Wet writes:—‘I should never have escaped so frequently if the English troops had not been so engrossed in the pages of their ramparts.’

The Kaiser writes:—‘As a barrier against Polish arrogance, I know of no more impregnable fortification than your mammoth volumes.’

General Viscount Kitchener writes:—‘During the earlier phases of the guerilla war, the inferior quality of the corrugated iron used in constructing the blockhouses was a constant source of anxiety to me. But directly your Supplement became available, I heard no more complaints. Though slight breaches were made, none of the enemy, however persistent, ever managed to get right through.’

N.B.—We recommend the volumes also as ballast for war balloons. They not only regulate the movement of the balloon, but when thrown out from a point immediately above the head of an enemy or a hostile battleship, invariably prove fatal.

[Pg 78]

To the Navy.

As backing for targets the volumes of the INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE are without an equal.

Captain Percy Scott writes:—

‘Lee Scuppers,
H.M.S. ‘Terrible.’

‘A single volume of your interesting and improving work recently stopped an 8·937 projectile, the point of which was found buried in M. de Blowitz’s article on Lesseps, which otherwise was pointless.’

[Pg 79]

No Class of Society can do without our Mammoth Work.

SEE THE FOLLOWING PAGES FOR PARTICULARS OF HOW IT HITS EVERY WALK OF LIFE.

[Pg 81]

YOU MUST HAVE THE ‘INSIDE. BRIT.’

[Pg 80]

LORD KNOLLYS writes: ‘His Majesty commands me to say that he is so pleased with your INSIDECOMPLETUAR that he has decided to establish a new Order of Merit, to be conferred upon the few persons who have not contributed to its pages.’

The DUKE OF FIFE writes: ‘An excellent publication, but dear. Might I suggest a cheaper edition for the members of the starving aristocracy?’

LORD ROSEBERY writes: ‘In spite of certain trifling inaccuracies in the article on Napoleon, I like your work, into which I have dug deeply. I have a set at each of my houses, and should have kept one on my yacht, but it is only a 1000-ton boat. By the way, in your article on dialect you should have given some specimens of the Tabernacular.’

LORD SALISBURY’S PRIVATE SECRETARY writes: ‘I am requested by Lord Salisbury to say that the rumour that the purchase of a set of your INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE accelerated his resignation is perfectly true. Finding how much he had still to learn his Lordship decided that it was better not to permit the cares of office to interfere with[Pg 82] his receptivity. He therefore resigned, and now reads nothing else.’

The DUCHESS OF DEVONSHIRE writes: ‘May I ask you to be so good as to send for the volumes at once? We find it impossible to keep the Duke awake.’

THE RT. HON. A. J. BALFOUR, M.P., writes: ‘Your volumes give the greatest satisfaction both at Whittinghame and Downing Street. One volume makes an excellent tee. Ten volumes block the door effectually against Dr. Clifford. Forty volumes make a superb bunker. The whole set when packed into my motor-car prevents my going at a greater speed than 12 miles an hour, thus providing me with the Foundations of Relief whenever I see a policeman on the horizon.’

LORD ROWTON writes: ‘All our Rowton Houses are now supplied with your INSIDECOMPLETUAR. Next to Lothair it is my favourite reading.’

MR. MAURICE HEWLETT writes: ‘I am free to confess, per Bacco, that if my Richard had only had access to your priceless pemmican of fact and fancy his conduct would not have[Pg 83] shown that deplorable vacillation which I felt it my painful, though perhaps disloyal, duty to portray.’

MR. STEPHEN PHILLIPS writes:

SIR HENRY CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN writes: ‘I have two sets, one in Campbell’s tabernacle and one in Bannerman’s.’

MR. ANDREW CARNEGIE writes: ‘I am trying to persuade the ratepayers of 2000 English towns to accept a gift of your INSIDECOMPLETUAR. Meanwhile please send me four sets for the Free Libraries which I am establishing at Balmoral, Windsor, Sandringham, and Buckingham Palace.’

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MR. EDMUND GOSSE writes: ‘... Admirable publication.... Mr. Dobson’s meritorious articles have fascinated me....’

[Pg 84]

MR. MONTAGU HOLBEIN writes: ‘I have no hesitation in saying that the glory of my attempt to swim across the Channel would have been infinitely greater had I carried on my back a set of your admirable INSIDECOMPLETUAR.’

LORD ROBERTS writes: ‘I am recommending the perusal of your 100 volumes as an excellent deterrent from ragging in the army.’

MR. H. G. WELLS writes: ‘I have already given you an advertisement in The Sea Lady, and can only repeat that for submarine reading your work has no equal. The Atlantic is paved with it.’

MR. ALFRED AUSTIN, Poet Laureate, writes:

MR. JOHN MORLEY writes: ‘I heartily congratulate Messrs. Salmon & Gluckstein on the completion of their editorial labours. When I have finished the life of Gladstone I hope to write a short monograph on his illustrious namesake, Mr. Gluckstein.’

[Pg 85]

MR. JOHN SARGENT, R.A., writes: ‘I have found your volumes invaluable in calming the agitation of nervous sitters. Mr. Wertheimer’s poodle simply revelled in them.’

M. PADEREWSKI writes: ‘Ten volumes of your monumental work make the most perfect pianoforte stool imaginable.’

MESSRS. FITTER, of Leadenhall Market, write: ‘The cuts are prime and no mistake. Nothing in recent literature has affected us more than your noble essay on Cold Storage.’

THE DOWAGER EMPRESS OF CHINA.—Un Hung, Private Secretary to the Dowager Empress of China, writes to thank us in Her Majesty’s name for the set of volumes presented to her, and to say that she is using them in rebuilding the Great Wall.

DR. J. M. BARRIE writes: ‘I cannot sufficiently praise your generosity in the matter of pages. Few books afford such a plethora of pipelights.’

MRS. DAN LENO writes: ‘The cause of poor Dan’s nervous breakdown has been inaccurately given. The pains in the back of his head were not the result of overwork, but[Pg 86] of his mortification at not finding any mention of himself in your otherwise readable article on King Edward VII.’

MRS. HUMPHRY WARD writes: ‘I cannot but admit that the portraiture of my earlier heroines might have been better provided with comic relief had I enjoyed the advantage of perusing your inimitable supplement. It positively teems with sweetness and light.’

SIR ERNEST CASSEL writes: ‘Eighteen more sets and I think the Assouan dam will be completed.’

MR. T. W. RUSSELL, M.P., writes: ‘My debt to your Brobdingnagian enterprise is so great that I have decided to add a new plank to my platform, and will henceforth advocate the extension of compulsory purchase to your new volumes. The magic of ownership is doubly potent when it implies the possession not only of the soil, but the fruits of knowledge.’

The BROWN CAT’S THANKS: ‘Mice and Nestlé’s aren’t in it with your volumes.’

MR. G. R. SIMS writes: ‘I have found your new volumes perfectly invaluable in composing the advertisements for “Tatcho.”’

[Pg 87]

MISS MARIE CORELLI writes: ‘The sorrows of Satan were largely due to the fact that he did not possess the supplementary volumes.’

MR. VICTOR TRUMPER writes: ‘I attribute my success with the bat during the past cricket season to the scrupulous way in which I refrained from reading your INSIDECOMPLETUAR.’

MR. ANDREW LANG writes: ‘I have your ingenious volumes by heart. They are among the few books I did not write.’

MR. HENRY JAMES writes:

‘The Dovecote, Rye.

‘I have no hesitation in saying, that if it had been, what I might call my splendid destiny, to read, in early life, bang through these hundred magnificent volumes, with their robust, almost brutal, perspicacity and frankness, as of a battering-ram, I think it is beyond question, that the number of those of my readers who now are able to grasp my meaning, such as it is, and follow my drift, would be sensibly augmented.’

THE RT. HON. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN, M.P., writes: ‘I feel that it ought to be known generally that when I sustained[Pg 88] my recent injury in a hansom I was hurrying home to resume the perusal of the engaging biography of Mr. Kruger in your new volumes. Had I only taken it to the Colonial Office with me, as Austen wished me to, the volume would have saved me a severe contusion by acting as a buffer.’

DR. ROBERTSON NICOLL writes: ‘Capital reading.... Please send me two more sets. Claudius wants one, and the Man of Kent another. I will O. O. for them.’

LORD HUGH CECIL writes: ‘That unfortunate delay in the division lobby has never, I fancy, been properly explained. The fact was, I couldn’t tear myself away from your picture of my friend, Sir Richard Calmady, with his prize Oxford Down ram, illustrating your alluring article on agriculture.’

MR. GEORGE ALEXANDER writes: ‘Four volumes make a perfect press for trousers.’

THE RIGHT HON. JESSE COLLINGS, M.P., writes: ‘I have been so exhilarated by the perusal of your fascinating miscellany that I think of re-entering the political arena with a new battle-cry: “Three acres and a Supplement.”’

[Pg 89]

LUCAS MALET (Mrs. Harrison) writes: ‘I omitted to mention it in my work, and now feel it my duty to Mr. Stephen Gwynn and my vast circle of readers to state that one of the few things that kept poor Sir Richard Calmady bright in a world of phantoms and futilities was the certainty that he could never drop one of your monumental volumes on his toe.’

LORD ’IVEBURY writes: ‘... Your splendid article on Bee-mæterlism....’

MRS. CARRIE NATION writes: ‘I don’t know how my campaign against the liquor saloons would ever have succeeded but for your timely publication. There is no plate glass that can stand against one of your tomes. You should see vol. xxvii. bringing down a row of rye whisky bottles! It’s great.’

MR. W. W. ASTOR writes: ‘Clieveden would not be Clieveden without your charming books. My retainers find them infallible for throwing at trespassers on Sunday afternoons. We sank two houseboats and a naphtha launch with them last week.’

MR. T. P. O’CONNOR writes: ‘Begorra, I’ll make it the Book of the Week.’

[Pg 90]

MR. YERKES writes: ‘No time to read your admirable volumes; but am arranging to tube them.’

MR. TULLY, M.P., writes: ‘I should like to ask the Editors some questions.’

MR. C. T. RITCHIE, Chancellor of the Exchequer, writes: ‘I am reducing the Income Tax to bring your boon within the reach of the wealthy.’

MR. C. F. MOBERLY BELL writes: ‘I hear they want more.’

[Pg 91]

OUR GALA NIGHT.

In connection with the completion of the new edition of the INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE the publishers have arranged for a festival performance at Drury Lane Theatre of a new musical comedy entitled—

THE SUPPLEMENT GIRL;

OR,

THE BELLE OF PRINTING-HOUSE SQUARE.

Written by Sir Donald Mackenzie Wallace. Lyrics by Hugh Chisholm, B.A. Music (for wind band only) by the Chevalier de Blowitz. Incidental American dances and effects by the Clark Comical Cake-Walk Company.

PRINCIPAL CHARACTERS.

MORTALS.

[Pg 92]

IMMORTALS.

SYNOPSIS OF SCENERY.

ACT I.—A subterranean chamber in Carmelite Street.

ACT II.—The Reading Room of the British Museum.

ACT III.—Scene 1. The Banks of the Lackawanna River.
Scene 2. Sunrise in the Plain of Universal Knowledge.
Triumph of the Supplement Girl.

Stage ManagersMESSRS. KLAW AND ERLANGER.

Musical ConductorJ. A. FULLER MAITLAND, ESQ.

Costumes by Messrs. Hatchard.Wigs by G. R. Sims.
Ices by Lieutenant Peary.Zero whisky by Professor Dewar.

[Pg 93]

The Latest Invention.

No more Mechanical Contrivances. Pleasure
combined with Business.

Read No. 1 of our Tombstone Series, ‘THE BONELESS SKELETON,’ and it will make your hair curl.

MOKO.

INTIMIDATES INFLUENZA.

EXPELS ELEPHANTIASIS.

CURES CLUB FEET.

The VICAR OF BRAY writes: ‘Since using MOKO I have trebled my congregation.’

Recommended by the British Association.

MOKO IS NOT MADE IN GERMANY.

TRADE MARK: An Ass in an Egg-cup.

[Pg 94]

Back Cover

Transcriber’s Notes

Inconsistent word hyphenation and spelling have been regularized.

Apparent typographical errors have been changed.

Page 29: “on the roads that leads” changed to “on the roads that lead”.