The Project Gutenberg eBook of The New Pun Book, by Thomas A. Brown and Thomas Joseph Carey

E-text prepared by
Jeannie Howse, David Starner, Colin Bell,
and the Project Gutenberg
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THE NEW PUN BOOK

COLLECTED, EDITED AND ARRANGED FROM
THE NOTES OF TWO LEARNED PUNDITS

Who thought they never saw the Punjab delighted in
all pungencies of speech. Scholarly men who rejoice
in punctiliousness in their language, contrive to
improve its flavor and precision by exercise in
these unexpected juxtapositions. Thus, as
with our Pundit's famous countryman Mr.
Jaberjee, though they use the purest
language, they can instantly express
every shade of thought with grace
and completeness without resorting
to slang:—that ready cloak
wherewith puny minds strive
to cover their vulgarity
and lack of culture.

BY T. B. AND T. C.

New York
FRANK VERNON & CO.
103 Park Avenue

The New Pun Book

"I saw a sign in a hardware store to-day 'Cast iron sinks.' As though everyone wasn't wise to that."

"Let me see," said the minister, who was filling out the marriage certificate and had forgotten the date, "this is the fifth, is it not?"

[4]She—I had a $5 bill in this dictionary yesterday and I can't find it anywhere.

I hear they are trying to close up the gambling establishments in New York. Why didn't they close up Adam? He was the first gambler. Didn't he start the races?

[5]"Gee, I just made a bad break," murmured the chef, as he threw away some rotten eggs.

"This is our latest novelty," said the manufacturer, proudly. "Good work, isn't it?"

"Not bad," replied the visitor, "but you can't hold a candle to the goods we make."

"My girl's father is an undertaker. He has invented an automobile hearse. Folks are just dying to ride in it."

"An Irishman comes to this country, remains here ten years, and goes back to Ireland and dies. What is he?"

[6]"I saw some delicious apples growing on a tree this morning. I couldn't reach them, and asked the lady of the house if she would let me take a step-ladder."

"I'm nearly starved. Just got in from a three-hour trip on the New York Central."

[7]"What do you think of the statement that there are three hundred haunted houses in New York?" asked Mr. Knickerbocker.

"Why, he is chairman of the board of public works and he advertised for proposals."

"I was at the track to-day, Percy, and there was a horse down there with the itch. He came up to the post, and they scratched him."

"I'm very sorry," returned the bride, "I'll tell the cook to speak to the livery-man about it."

"You are wrong. Don't the good book tell us that Noah came forth? So there must have been three ahead of him."

"I believe not," the facetious passenger replied. "I think I saw you ring it up."

Isaacs—Undt suppose dey did send us a message from Mars, how could dey tell if we got it?

"I am told," said she, saucily, "that though you are a military man, you are afraid of powder."

"To prove that the assertion is calumnious," replied he, "I have only to do this."

Whereupon he lightly kissed her on the cheek, and his lips showed that he was not.

Mrs. Pendergast (in disgust)—You call these shades alike! Is there anything you can match?

"Perhaps you can. You see, my employer threatens to fire me next Saturday, and I'd like some protection."

[11]"We should never complain, whatever may befall us," said the minister. "The moment we grow dissatisfied we become unhappy."

"Yes," returned the good man; "the first woman who complained of her Lot, was turned into a pillar of salt."

"Tommy," said mamma, tearfully, "it gives me as much pain as it does you to punish you."

A wag who thought to have a joke at the expense of an Irish provision dealer said, "Can you supply me with a yard of pork?"

"Pat," said the dealer to his assistant, "give this gentleman three pig's feet."

[12]"Did your sweetheart receive you warmly last night?" asked one Pittsburg young man of another.

"I see no objection to that," she answered. "All papa said was that you mustn't hang around here."

Don't doubt the veteran who tells you he was always where the bullets were thickest; perhaps he was hiding under the ammunition wagon.

Mrs. Bixby—No; but I have noticed how much easier you lie after a day's fishing than upon other days.

According to a florist's magazine "Jacks are becoming cheap." This may be true, but we have known men who would have been willing to pay $10 for one to put with the two already in their hands.

Tommy—My step-mother is sick end now I'll get licked before every meal. The doctor says she must take exercise on an empty stomach.

Smith—His spring overcoat. He was taking it to the tailor to be pressed and cleaned.

When Lot found his wife transformed into a pillar of salt, he was wise enough to let it go at that and not take a fresh one.

A husband and wife are considered one, but it is useless to try to work that gag on the landlord when he presents the board bill.

[15]"You haven't a cent, and yet wish to marry Miss Bilyan. Don't you expect her father to kick you out?"

"Do I think so? I know it. I have seen people sit for an hour waiting for a ghost to walk."

"Here's an account of a hen which layed three eggs at once, and then died," remarked Mrs. Sumway.

"What's the matter here?" asked a stranger of a small boy, as he noticed a large wedding party coming out of a church on Fifth avenue.

Guest—Hold up there! I don't want a description of your physical peculiarities. What have you got to eat is what I want to know.

"I can't tell whether Willie is corrupting the parrot or whether the parrot is corrupting Willie."

Playwright—"There is a great climax in the last act. Just as two burglars climb in the kitchen window the clock strikes one; then——"

[18]"I sent a dollar last week" said the Good thing, "in answer to that advertisement offering a method of saving one-half my gas bills."

"Did any of you ever see an elephant's skin?" inquired a teacher of a class of youths.

"A man's handwriting is never so bad that his name can't be read when signed to a check."

"A fly got into the batter when she was serving the griddles, and the way she caught that fly from the batter was a sight to rush an umpire into an early grave."

[19]When you see a young man cleaning a girl's bicycle, they are engaged; but when you see the operation reversed, they are married.

"What is the difference between the admission to a dime museum and the admission to Sing Sing?"

[20]"I must admit," said the mannish girl, "that I'm very fond of men's clothes. You don't like them, do you?"

When a woman finds her dress does not match her complexion, it is always easy enough to change her complexion.

"My friend," said the long-coated old man, solemnly, "have you made preparation for the day of judgment?"

"George, you look exhausted," she said to him as he was putting on his hat and coat.

"Yes," he answered, glancing towards his daughter at the piano. "I'm played out."

Of the heroine in one of the latest sensational novels it is said: "Her eyes chained him to the spit." She must have been links-eyed.

[21]"Do I bore you?" asked the mosquito, politely, as he sunk a half-inch shaft into the man's leg.

"Not at all," replied the man, squashing him with a book. "How do I strike you?"

What kind of essence does a young man like when he pops the question? Acquiescence.

The hawk was dozing. "You look," said the jay, from a safe distance, "as if you were full."

"Well," the hawk admitted, "I have just been having a little lark that was a bird."

"I once knew a man who, with the aid of a microscope, made a harness for a flea."

"That's nothing. How about the industrious safe breaker doing time for making money?"

Don't take a bull by the horns; take him by the tail, then you can let go without getting some one to help you.

[23]"Women, my boy," said a parent to his son, "are a delusion and a snare." "It is queer," murmured the boy, "people will hug a delusion." And while the old man looked queerly at him, the young man hunted up his roller-skates and went out to be snared.

"Would you," said the reporter who gets novel interviews, "tell me what book helped you most in life?"

"You were thrown out?" remarked the ash barrel. "That's what you get for being crooked."

"The crookedness, is not my fault," said the nail. "I was driven to it by a woman."

[24]Some of us have more ups and downs in this world than others, but when we get to the cemetery, we will all be on the dead level.

Mrs. Cameron (spitefully)—"Yes, so Justin tells me, but he sometimes indulges too much, doesn't he?"

[25]A lady noticed a boy sprinkling salt on the sidewalk to take off the ice, and remarked to a friend, pointing to the salt:

Johnnie—"Ya-as, I've just come back from Ireland—County Cork. Ever been to Cork?"

"I saw De Castro, the magician, make a $20 gold piece disappear in three minutes." "That's nothing. You ought to see my wife with a $20 bill at a church bazaar."

An art-school student recently painted the picture of a dog under a tree so lifelike that it was impossible to distinguish the bark of the tree from that of the dog.

Gallant Officer—My lovely miss, the fire from those eyes would compel the bravest soldier to surrender his arms.

Ike—"Naw—I started a pawnshop just by the oudside of de razetrack for de peoble who vanted to get home ven de razes was over."

—"Just wait till you've backed one or two 'stars,' and you'll change that tune my boy."

Telephone operators are always bound to have the last word; that's why females are always employed in that capacity.

"Is the proprietor in?" asked the visitor to the planing mill. "I want to order some doors."

"Did the minister say anything comforting?" asked the neighbor of the widow recently bereaved.

Subbubs—O! certainly not. But as soon as one leaves they engage another.—Philadelphia Press.

If a woman would change her sex, what would her religion be? She would be a he-then, of course.

[29]"What in the world shall I do with the baby, John? She's crying for the moon."

Smith—There is something that will never be boycotted by the fair sex as long as time lasts.

"No; his nerve is inherited. His father and his grandfather were both janitors."

Second Comedian—"Did I? Why, the audience gazed in open-mouthed wonder before I was half through."

First Comedian—"Wonderful! It is seldom that an entire audience yawns at once."

Some one threw a head of cabbage at an Irish orator while he was making a speech once. He paused a second, and said: "Gentlemen, I only asked for your ears, I don't care for your heads!" He was not bothered any more during the remainder of his speech.

The weary desert stretched for miles. Stretched for sheer weariness. Not a drop of water was in sight.

Tellit-You might step on a banana peel or try to balance on a cake of soap at the head of the stairs.

"There is but one thing," said the professor of medicine, gravely, "that we know about death."

She—"Heaven only knows what I promised. I was listening to hear what you promised."

Thin Boarder—"I don't see how you manage to fare so well at this boarding-house. I have industriously courted the landlady and all her daughters, but I'm half-starved."

Tramp—"Can't you give a poor man something to eat? I got shot in the war and can't work."

"Well, he certainly had a good chance. In fact he had the greatest show on earth."

"I don't know what you'd call it," she rejoined. "The sheriff had all my dresses except a Mother Hubbard."

"If a guest at a restaurant ordered a lobster and ate it, and another guest did the same, what would the latter's telephone number be?"

An Irishman quarreling with an Englishman, told him if he didn't hold his tongue he would break his impenetrable head, and let his brains out of his empty skull.

I'm the champion long distance cornet player. I entered a contest once and I played "Annie Laurie" for three weeks.

"What have you here?" asked the fresh young man of the waiter at a first-class restaurant.

Comstock shuddered the other evening when a lady asked him if he cared for undressed kids.

Mrs. Tilford of Sorosis—"It must have taken Daniel Webster a long time to compile the dictionary; don't you think so?"

"Did you know that Xanthippe, wife of one of the greatest of ancient philosophers, was a great scold?"

[39]The pugilist boxes his man before he lays him out. The undertaker lays out his man before he boxes him.

An old-maid being at a loss for a pin-cushion, made use of an onion for the purpose. On the following morning she found all the needles had tears in their eyes.

Brown—Up at Hagenbeck's show there is a large bear that hugs a woman without killing her.

American—"You have noticed, I suppose, that the balance of trade, so far as your country and ours are concerned, is still in our favor?"

Englishman—"Nothing of the sort, sir. We exchange a worn-out title for a beautiful American heiress almost every day in the year."

Husband—"I saw a big sign in their window to-day, 'Ladies and gents' undressed kids for a dollar.'"

"No. I got into what I thought was one and I heard a feller call for Saratoga chips and I knew 'twas a gamblin'-den and got out quick."

"Why, some one passed a counterfeit five-dollar bill on me to-day; that was wrong. I gave it to my landlady for board; that was wrong, but it made me right."

"It's all foolishness to talk about any one getting the worst of it in the matrimonial game," declared the big man with a silk hat and a loud suit of clothes.

An old lady, being told that a certain lawyer "was lying at the point of death," exclaimed: "My Gracious! Won't even death stop that man's lying?"

"Fact. When an Irishman does anything great he does not go bragging of his ability as another man would. He merely brags about Ireland."

"I was at a banquet last night. I just had a lovely time. We had everything a man could wish for."

A cement maker advertises that his cement is strong enough to mend the break of day.

"Pat," said one Catholic friend to another, "how would you like to be buried in a Protestant graveyard?"

—No matter how high an awning may be suspended, it is only a shade above the street.

[45]An Irishman, just landed, seeing an electric-motor car running for the first time, exclaimed: "Well, well, Ould Nick must be pullin' it wid a string."

An Irish doctor advertises that the deaf may hear of him at a house in Liffey street, where his blind patients may see him from ten till three.

A painter, who fell off a scaffold with a pot of paint in each hand said: "well, I came down with flying colors, anyhow."

A lady one day being in need of some small change called down-stairs to the cook and enquired: "Mary, have you any 'coppers' down there?" "Yes, mum, I've two; but if you please, mum, they're both me cousins," was the unexpected reply.

Girls and billiard balls kiss each other with just about the same amount of real feeling.

"What are you writing such a big hand for, Pat?" "Why, you see my grandmother is dafe, and I'm writing a loud letter to her."

As man and wife are one, the husband when seated with his wife, must be beside himself.

"No; begorra, he didn't! He wint round to the back of the house an' died by the yard!"

"My lord," said the foreman of an Irish jury when giving in his verdict, "we find the man who stole the mare not guilty."

"A woman fell overboard from a ship yesterday and a shark came up and looked her over and went away."

[49]"See here, sir," remonstrated the young gentleman, "I got up to give my seat to the lady, not to you."

"Ach, dat's all right. She's my vife," he responded placidly. And he kept the seat.

"My son," said the good old man, "if you only work hard enough when you undertake a thing, you're bound to be at the top when you've finished."

"It's thrue," said Paddy to Dennis one day, "it wor a grand soight. But whoile ye're standin' sit down, an' Oi'll tell ye all about it."

[50]"What did you wear last night?" asked the celery. "A lovely mayonnaise," replied the lettuce. "And you?" "Never was so mortified in all my life; I wasn't dressed at all," said the celery; and the beet blushed.

A woman never fully understands the hardness of the world until she falls off a bicycle a few times.

[51]"Nothing can make a woman so superlatively happy as to have a baby of her own to kiss," exclaimed Mrs. McBride, rapturously, as she fondled her firstborn.

"My dear," replied her husband, pityingly, "you can never know the unutterable joy of being 'Next' in a crowded barber shop on Saturday night."

"Aren't you afraid, dear, you'll catch cold in the scanty bathing robe?" he asked.

Algy—"Well, I'd rather be a widow's second husband than her first, doncher-know."

[52]A Boston, man upon learning that there were 4,000 Poles in New York, exclaimed: "What a place to raise beans."

Fred—"I had a fall last night which rendered me unconscious for several hours."

[53]"How could you endure talking so long with that ugly old woman with that frightful costume without laughing in her face?" "Oh, that's easy. She is my wife."

The modern drummer is not much like the month of March. March is said to come in a lion and go out a lamb, while the drummer comes in a lyin' and goes out a lyin'.

[54]"I understand that Willoughby was half seas over at the Sneerwell dinner." "Oh, no. He was sailing into the port when I left."

Egbert—Oh, that's just to remind my wife to ask me if I forgot something she told me to remember.

He—You saw some old ruins while in England, I presume? She—Yes, indeed! And one of them wanted to marry me.

Cholly—Ethel Knox told me last night I wasn't over half-witted. Susie—I shouldn't feel badly about that; she never did know anything about fractions.

[55]Cleverton—Miss Cutler tells me she has been putting quinine on her face lately for her complexion.

Weeks—Well, how are things over in Boston? Have they named any new pie "Aristotle" yet?

Sunday School Teacher—What is meant in the parable by a "house built upon a rock?"

"I am quite surprised, Mr. Meeker, to account for your wife's knowledge of parliamentary law."

"Great Caesar! Hasn't she been speaker of the house for the last fifteen years?"

[56]Mr. Greathead, the landlord, says he prefers as tenants experienced chess player, because it is so seldom they move.

"You have a bad cold," he said. "I have," she replied huskily. "I am so hoarse that if you attempted to kiss me I couldn't even scream."

A little burn makes a big smart sometimes. But even a big burn could not make some people smart.

"Don't talk to me about compulsory vaccination!" exclaimed the man who had his arm in a sling. "I'm sore on that subject."

There are many sweet, entrancing moments in this life, but when a man steps on your pet corn you do not experience one of them.

The impecunious young man who marries a girl with a substantial check attached may very properly be said to have been checkmated.

[57]Visitor—I suppose you have a great deal of poetry sent into you for publication?

Editor—No, not very much poetry as a rule; some of it is verse, and some of it is worse.

—So Ethel is to marry that young Bob Halstey; why, he has been jilted by half a dozen girls.

"How putting a ring on a woman's third finger should place you under that woman's thumb."

Personal—"'A young woman, to whom black is particularly becoming, would like to meet a gentleman in poor health; object, widowhood.'"

Willy—Then when they throw bad eggs at an actor he gets a literal ovation, I s'pose.

Fader—Nodt at all! "Imbegunious" is ven a man has got no more money, undt "inzolvent" is ven his greditors has got about all der money dey are goin' to get.

"I admit that I am temporarily hard up," he said, "but that's because I can't realize."

"On my thirst. If I could only sell that thirst for half what it cost me I'd be all right."

"That sounds like the charity bawl," said the nurse, as the babies in the orphan asylum began to yell.

Denby—Oh, yes, Doctress Anna Curem knocked it silly. But her treatment left me with a worse disease than malaria ever was.

Englishman—"'Orse? Why, certainly. It honly takes a haitch and a ho and a har and a hess and a he to spell 'orse."

"What is the meaning of the saying that a man shall earn his bread in the sweat of his brow?" asked a boy in a New York school.

"Yes" said a landlord, sadly, whose tenant had made a moonlight "flitting," "appearances are deceitful; but disappearances are still more so."

Sailors are not fond of agricultural implements usually, but they always welcome the cry of "Land-hoe."

Some men divide their lives between trying to forget and trying to recover from the effects of trying to forget.

"Castles in the air are walled in by fancy," remarked the poet. "Faith, I'd prefer a rale fence," said Pat.

A boy who is frequently chastised both by his mother and grandmother, speaks of them as "a spanking team."

[63]A man aroused his wife from a sound sleep, the other night, saying that he had seen a ghost in the shape of a donkey.

"Oh! let me sleep," the irate dame rejoined, "and don't be frightened at your own shadow."

"What a fearful night I had when I drew this gun the first time!" said the bartender, as he showed a handsome silver-mounted Colt.

"Gee whizz!" said the boy who had been forced to take castor oil. "I do wish ma was a Christian Scientist!"

If you want to see a strong organization, look at the whisky dealers; if you want to see a weak one, look at the consumers.

Lawyers practice at the bar, while bartenders and mosquitoes practice inside of it.

A squall on the sea is a stress of weather, and a squaller on land is a songstress.

When a man is short of money he finds most of his friends whom he meets short-sighted.

[65]In this glorious land of the free, you always have to pay for the drinks in order to get a whack at the free lunch.

"Haven't I told you before," he cried, "to sing out the names of stations clearly and distinctly? Bear in mind. Sing 'em out. Do you hear?"

And when the next train came in the passengers were considerably astonished to hear Pat sing:

He—How does it happen that none of you women have come forward with a new currency plan?

She—Oh, we already have a perfect one. When we need currency we just sit down and cry for it.

An Irishman wandering up Fifth avenue saw in the window of a photographer's shop a large photograph of Mephisto. He went inside, and after gazing about the walls, said to the proprietor:

"Where is your brother?" asked the photographer. "He's in Ireland," was the reply.

"Well my man," said the photographer, "we can't take his picture unless he is here."

"That's funny," said Pat. "Ye took a pichtur of the divil, an' he's down below."

The Doctor—"You regard society as merely a machine, do you? What part of the machinery do you consider me, for instance?"

Slopay—"And, doctor, if you will, I wish you would give me something to help my memory. I forget so easily."

Actor Friend (inquiring at boarding house)—Has Mr. Comedy taken his departure yet?

"Yes," snapped the landlady, "but that's all he did take; I've got his wardrobe."

"We have German bands and French bands and American bands, but you never hear of an Irish band. You couldn't have one. Every man would want to be leader."

[70]Tommy—Yes, cats can see in the dark, and so can Ethel; 'cause when Mr. Wright walked into the parlor when she was sitting all alone in the dark, I heard her say to him, "Why, Arthur, you didn't get shaved to-day."

"Too bad they can't train cats to understand baseball," remarked the fat man to his neighbor on the bleachers. "They'd make ideal umpires. One life for each inning."

"Oh, I am awfully worried. I walk in my sleep." "I only wish I could do it. If I could I'd still have my job on the police force."

[71]Merchant (to his confidential clerk)—Here's a letter from Mr. Slowpay, but no money. What's the matter with him?

"Only a silver watch," said the pawnbroker. "The last time I advanced you money on your watch it had a solid gold case."

Visitor—"Oh, what a nice parrot you've got! Pretty Polly! Polly want a cracker?"

"How will the planting of violets upon my grave prevent them from digging me up?"

Post Office Assistant (very politely)—Not necessarily, ma'am; it will probably accomplish more if you put it on the letter.

The little man on the witness stand looked around the court-room rather fearfully.

"John, can you tell me the difference between attraction of gravitation and attraction of cohesion?"

"Yes, sir; attraction of gravitation pulls a drunken man down to the ground and the attraction of cohesion prevents his getting up again."

[75]After a man has had occasion to employ a first-class lawyer it is useless to tell him that talk is cheap.

"Why does a donkey eat thistles?" asked a Texas teacher of one of the largest boys in the class.

Don't pen missives to your best girl on postal cards. She may have suspicion that you do not care two cents for her.

"Can you give me a front room on the first floor?" asked a travelling man of the recently installed clerk.

"That's queer," said the clerk, "you're the fourth man to-day who thought I owned this hotel."

"I don't think my religion will be any obstacle to your church," he urged; "I am a spiritualist."

"One day in the dining-car, the boy across the aisle got to laughing so, he couldn't stop. I said to his mother, 'that boy needs a spanking.' She said, 'well, I don't believe in spanking a boy on a full stomach.' I said, 'neither do I. Turn him over-'"

The tramp should never complain of hunger when he can always enjoy a little loaf.

"That was a pretty good dog story, wasn't it?" asked Dinwiddie, as he finished telling one.

Casey bet on a horse which finished last. He went down to the paddock, called out the jockey who had ridden him and said: "In hivin's name, young man, phwat delayed you?"

"Yaas, and a good deal better, for one can kiss a miss, when one couldn't kiss a mile, don'cher know?"

[79]"I'm not surprised that hair-dressers feel so much at ease in the society of the great."

He—Yes; and when a man goes into a drug store and shuts a window quickly, the clerk knows just about what the poor soul wants.

"Things are wrong," remarked the observer of events and things, "when a reputable physician has to pay money for a certificate to practice, and a fourteen-year-old girl with a new piano doesn't."

"In choosing a wife," said the scanty-haired philosopher, "one should never judge by appearances."

"That's right," rejoined the very young man. "The homeliest girls usually have the most money."

[81]"It was this a-way, jedge: Ye see, I doled de cards, and Jim Brown he had a pah of aces and a pah of kings."

[82]Mr. B.—"You won't want that new novel now that you have the new baby, will you?"

She—"A writer says that in order to succeed a man must be ninety-five per cent. backbone."

He—"Oh, I don't know. A good many who have managed to arrive are ninety-five per cent. cheek."

Some fellows marry poor girls to settle down and others marry rich ones to settle up.

"It's a dridful bother to me that I have to be sewing buttons on me own clothes. If I was only a married man I'd ask me woife niver to allow our son to grow up an ould batchler like his fayther."

[84]Scene—Cabstand. Lady distributing tracts, hands one to cabby, who glances at it, hands it back and says politely, "Thank you, lady, but I'm a married man." Lady nervously looks at the title, and reading, "Abide with me," hurriedly departs, to the great amusement of cabby.

"This isn't the first time I've raised something on a diamond," he muttered, as he hit the next one and knocked a pop-fly to the pitcher.

[85]Husband—"Where's your mistress? She said she'd be ready in a minute, and I've waited half an hour."

Maid—"She'll be down in a second, sir. She's changing her complexion to match her new gown."

The speaker of the house is in deadly peril when every member on the floor wants to get his eye.

I asked a young lady living on her pa's farm what they did with all their fruit? Says she: "We eat all we can and can all we can't."

"A hill, ye know. Don't ye see, a hill is a swell affair, and besides all hills have got crests."

"There's a great art," says Mickey Dolan, "in knowing what not to know whin yez don't want to know it."

[87]"And so Prof. Greene has at last discovered the missing link! Where did he find it?"

"Young ladies who feel anxious to preserve the most symmetrical anatomical proportions, should never be in a hurry. They should remember that 'haste' makes waist."

"I don't give a rap," said the coachman, haughtily, as he rang the electric bell.

[88]"Are you engaged?" inquired the lady of Bridget at the intelligence office. "No, mum, but I have regular company for four nights o' the week."

Ida—"Yes, dear, this is one of those 'perfume' concerts the same as they have in New York."

When the curtain at the theater takes a drop the majority of the males in the audience go out to follow suit.

"Some men are easily satisfied," remarked the Observer of Events and Things. "There is the clock-maker, for instance, he never gets any extra pay, and yet every day he works overtime."

A poacher, surprised at his work and pursued in his escape by a vengefully thrown axe, remarked, as he vaulted a fence: "I have no fault to find with your remarks, but I object to the axe-sent."

Take away my first letter, take away my second letter, take away all my letters and I am still the same. What am I? The postman.

"You have been losing flesh lately, haven't you?" "Yes, I've been shaving myself."

He—Did you ever see anything at so-called bargain sales that was really cheap?

Teacher of Drawing Class—"Willie, tell me how you would make a maltese cross."

Guest—"Look here, waiter, do you call this a spring chicken? By the lord Harry, it is as tough as a mother-in-law's tongue."

"About the only time my tailor gives his customers regular fit," said Buttons, "is when they neglect to pay their bills."

[91]A man with the heart disease is about the only chap who desires a "regular beat" for a bosom friend.

The landlord came to Mrs. O'Hooligan on the first day of May last, and said: "See here, my foine loidy, I am going to raise your rent." "Oh thanks be to the Lord," said Mrs. O'Hooligan, "I'm so glad that you intend to raise it for me as Dan aint' working and I'm nather able nor willing to raise it myself."

[92]Before marriage, women wants tenderness. In a little while she is satisfied with legal tender.

Pat—Who is being lowered into a well; "Sthop, will ye, Murphy? Oi want to coom up again."

It is a Maine husband who has dubbed his wife "Crystal," because she is always "on the watch."

"Happily? I should say she is! Why she married a somnambulist, who gets up in his sleep every morning and builds the fire."

Two Hebrews went to a Mills Hotel and were obliged to take a bath before retiring.

Upon beholding each other, one shouted in surprise, "Oh, Abey, how dirty you are!"

[93]A teacher in a high school asked a little wad of an Irish boy to describe a lake. "Sure and it is hole in the kettle."

The trouble with the fellow who loses his temper is that he always finds it again.

An amateur performance for charity demonstrates that charity uncovers a multitude of sins.

While some people mount upward to the pinnacle of fame, others reach the height of folly.

A faint heart may never win a fair lady, but five of them have won many a jackpot.

[94]The fact that a man has not cut his hair for ten or twelve years need not necessarily imply that he is eccentric. He may be bald.

When a couple are about to elope the young man asks, "Does your mother know your route?"

"I will not sit that way!" angrily screamed the obstinate lady in the photographer's gallery. "I can't, and I won't; so there!"

"Madame," said the photographer, "it will be impossible for me to make a good negative of you unless you quit being so positive."

An Irishman in order to celebrate the advent of a new era, went out on a lark. He didn't get home, till 3 o'clock in the morning, and was barely in the house before a nurse rushed up and, uncovering a bunch of soft goods, showed him triplets. The Irishman looked up at the clock which said 3, then at the three of a kind in the nurse's arms, and said: "O'im not superstitious, but thank Hivins thot Oi didn't come home at twilve!"

[95]"Good gracious," said the hen when she discovered a porcelain egg on the nest. "I shall be a bricklayer next."

"Are you intimate with any of the nobility?" asked Chippy. "Well, rather!" replied Clubdoodle. "I got a queen full last night, and had a high old time with four kings."

Electricity is a great educator. Think what it has done to make men see things in a new light.

"Will the coming man use both arms?" asks a scientist. "Yes, if he can trust the girl to handle the reins."

"I hear Smith, the sea captain, is in hard luck. He married a girl and she ran away from him."

Another great discovery of diamonds in Kentucky! A man got five of them on the first deal.

"Don't I know dot, fadder, already some times ago. But I shoot said six so dot you could Chew me down."

Everybody knows a woman is hard to please. She likes the matrimonial harness, but doesn't like to be hitched up with a man who is strapped.

[97]"Do you know the nature of an oath, ma'am?" inquired the judge. "Well, I reckon I orter," was the reply. "My husband drives a canal boat."

Brown—"Young Dudel's body has been recovered." "Why, I didn't know he had been drowned." "He hasn't. He merely bought a new suit of clothes."

"Yes, I have seen the day when Mr. Hart the millionaire, did not have a pair of shoes to cover his feet."

"Widowhood makes a woman unselfish." "Why so?" "Because she ceases to look out for Number One and begins to look out for Number Two."

The judge asked an Irish policeman named O'Connell, "When did you last see your sister?" The policeman replied: "The last time I saw her, Judge, was about eight months ago, when she called at my home, and I was out." "Then you did not see her on that occasion?" "No, Judge; I wasn't there."

[98]If Broomstick, as rumored, is in a woman's hands, he may be booked to beat the favorite.

Torchlight and Igniter, coupled should prove a red hot combination, but with Extinguisher in the race might not bring in any money to burn.

We are told that "Gen. Sherman was always coolest when on the point of attack." Most people are hottest when on the point of a tack.

[99]"I wish the hot weather would come along," sighed the thermometer. "People are beginning to look upon me as a thing of low degree."

"This," murmured the demure maiden, when her lover nudged up still closer on the sofa, "is the closest call I've ever had."

The rapidity of ocean transport is becoming truly marvelous. A sea captain boasts that he finished loading a cargo of wheat at San Francisco by dinner time, and then went to China for tea.

"You are making yourself rather officious in this crowd," said a burly policeman to a notorious pickpocket. "I am only trying to dis-purse them," said the thief.

The slats of the shutter of our office-window are in a dilapidated condition. "Please help the blind."

A deaf and dumb mute recently went into a bicycle shop and picked up a hub and spoke.

There appears to be no affinity between the prestidigitator and the theatrical manager, yet they both make passes.

We don't always know just how the "other half" lives; but, in Chicago, the "better half" lives on her alimony.

Woman opens satchel, takes out purse, shuts satchel, opens purse, takes out dime, shuts purse, opens satchel, puts in purse, shuts satchel.

Opens satchel, takes out purse, shuts satchel, opens purse, puts in nickel, closes purse, opens satchel, puts in purse, closes satchel.

A baby is good stock on hand, but it makes bills payable and figures largely in the profit and loss account.

What do you think, I let my watch drop in the water and it never stopped running.

"Well, maybe it is used to being in soak?" "No, I think the mainspring was dry."

"Do you use each of those four mallets in the course of your work?" asked a wag of a cooper.

"Then it can be remarked that while your occupation is not conducted strictly according to etiquette, there is much four-mallet-y about it."

"A coal stove is a cast-iron paradox. It won't burn unless you put it up; then it won't burn unless you shake it down."

[103]Uncle Fred—Why, my girl, you've grown like a cucumber vine! What progress are you making towards matrimony?

An Irishman, having gone out in his night-gown on a bitter cold night to stop the howling of a dog, was found by his wife, almost paralyzed with cold, holding the struggling dog by the tail. "Howley Mother, Pat," says she, "what would ye be afther doin?"

[104]"Another tragedy," said the cynic, as shrill shrieks arose from the ruined cistern. "I suppose there is a woman at the bottom of it."

"I'm not quite sure, papa, but it sounded like, 'Many are Cold, but Few are Frozen.'"

"Yes; you told me that blue poker chips were worth a dollar apiece, and I got a whole lot of them for seventy-five cents at a sale."

How is that; you weren't drowned last week when you fell overboard, you can't swim?

Doctors are like cockroaches. When you once get them into the house, it is terribly difficult to get them out again.

Fogg says his sister Ann will talk culture till he falls asleep. He says she is a sort of Ann æsthetic.

"I'm afraid the bed is not long enough for you," said the landlord to a seven-foot guest.

A young woman who married a one-legged man says it doesn't take much to make her husband hopping mad.

"Cheer up, friend," said the parson to the dying editor, "you have a bright future before you."

A green Irishman was sent by his employer to take charge of a Jewish funeral, and upon making his report to his "Boss," Pat says:

"That's a curious custom the Jews have of placing a $20 gold piece in the right hand of the corpse."

"Well," says Pat, "if that's the case that Hebrew will have to swim, because I swiped the $20."

"That's nothing new. My wife has kicked my sins under the table for twenty years."

A tramp rang a doctor's doorbell, and asked the pretty woman who opened the door if she would be so kind as to ask the doctor if he had a pair of old trousers he would kindly give away. "I'm the doctor," said the smiling young woman, and the tramp nearly fainted.

[109]"What is there about betting on horse-races that is so bad for the health?" said young Mrs. Brown.

"Didn't you? Every time Charley makes a bet he comes home and says there is something wrong with his system."

"Jackson never lights one of his cigars. Just keeps it in his mouth and chews the end. I've often wondered why."

Customer (to the coal dealer): "Have you got any name for those scales of yours?"

"Well, you ought to call your scales Ambush. You see, they are always lying in weight."

[110]First Senior—Heard about Exsheff? He went down into South Africa, and he's come home a regular repository of Zulu spearheads and Boer bullets.

[111]Business men who marry their typewriter girls are apt to find that the young women are not so ready to submit to dictation after the wedding.

The first impulse of the young married man, on being presented with his first baby, is to give it a-weigh.

A young lady in Philadelphia is said to have had five lovers, all named Samuel. Her photograph album must be a book of Sams.

"I really can't do it, doctor; my husband talks in his sleep, and I can't hear a thing with my left ear."

There is a Presbyterian in Jersey City so openly opposed to baptism by immersion that he refuses to carry a Waterbury watch.

[112]The following is a resolution of an Irish corporation: "That a new jail should be built, that this be done out of the material of the old one, and the old jail to be used until the new one be completed."

"An expert accountant," replied the father, "is a man who becomes famous by robbing a bank for two years before he is discovered."

Some men get up with the lark, while others want a swallow the first thing in the morning.

"Yes, the team is quite a good one, Mr. Horsley," he said as he returned the livery man's brag team, "but it has two drawbacks." "Oh, indeed; and may I inquire what they are?" "The lines."

The old lady who sent as presents to a newly-married couple a rolling-pin, a pain of flat-irons and a motto inscribed "Fight On," must have a grudge against them.

A man who had not the best reputation for strict veracity died the other day, and the family was greatly incensed because some well-meaning friends sent in a broken lyre as a floral tribute.

"It's been a coal day when you're left," said the kindling-wood to the cinder. "You're too chip-per," replied the cinder to the kindling wood. "Go to blazes," said the match, as it dropped in and fired both up.

[115]"That young gentleman has a very taking manner," said one young lady to another at a party, of a young man who had just left them.

Kid—The dogs you ran after. Pa was telling Ma that you used to chase the growler when he first knew you.

[116]Bess—May wears the worst clothes when she is riding horseback. Look at her now!

First Fly—Did it ever occur to you the baldheaded men have a keener sense of humor than others?

Landlady (proudly)—Nothing goes to waste in this house. I make hash out of everything that's left over.

"If," said the druggist, "you will give this new tonic a trial I'm sure you will never use any other."

Smith—They say that after a time the engineer of a limited flyer loses his nerve.

"She sits around all day long with a green parrot on her shoulder. I don't like such Poll-bearers."

"You see he was standing under the trestle, and a freight train ran off the track and dropped on him."

"Washington was born on Friday, and so was Napoleon and Tennyson and Gladstone."

"That's exactly what I am. I bet five dollars it would rain yesterday, and it didn't!"

"It's a good idea to make light of your troubles." "I do," replied Happigo; "whenever a creditor sends me a letter I burn it."

"What have you got to say for yourself?" "Jes dis, suh; I wants a liar to defend me." "You mean a lawyer?" "Yes, suh; I knowed I most had it!"

"Young man, don't you know you ought to lay something by for a rainy day?" "I do; my rubbers."

He—"I saw you out driving yesterday with a gentleman. He appeared to have only one arm; is that all he has?"

"Do you go to church to hear the sermon or the music, Maude?" "I go for the hims," said Maud.

"That tenor of yours has a marvelous voice. He can hold one of his notes for half a minute."

[125]Coleridge, who was a bad rider, was accosted when on horseback by a wag, who asked him if he knew what happened to Balaam, "The same thing that happened to me—An ass spoke to him."

Mother—"What did your father say when he saw his broken pipe?" Innocent—"Shall I leave out the swear words, mother?" Mother—"Certainly, my dear." Innocent—"Then I don't think he said anything."

"So you were bound and gagged by bandits while in Italy, were you?" asked the garrulous person; "regular comic-opera bandits, eh?"

"No sir," said the traveler; "there was nothing of the comic-opera style about them. The gags they used were all new."

An excellent reason.—Casey—"Oi'll wurk no more fer thot mon Dolan." Mrs. Casey—"An' phwy?" Casey—"Shure, t'is an account av a remark thot he made t' me." Mrs. Casey—"Phwat did he say?" Casey—"Sez he, 'Pat, ye're discharged.'"

[126]Old Lady (at a ball game)—"Why do they call that a fowl? I don't see no feathers."

A lady was looking for her husband and inquired anxiously of a housemaid, "Do you happen to know anything of your master's whereabouts?"

"I'm not sure, ma'am," replied the careful domestic, "but I think they are in the wash."

"Room! Mercy me, I should think not. Why, our kitchen and dining-room are so small that we have to use condensed milk."

[127]"Couples making love will beware of the rubber plant." "While driving through the park don't speak to your horses. They carry tales." "All animals are not in cages. There are some dandelions on the lawn."

"She says that although he is passionately fond of cloves, he never eats but one at a time."

"Why," they asked him, "do you have such a large number of court jesters in constant attendance on your royal person?"

"Because," he replied, with a right regal chuckle, "I could not earn the surname of 'The Great' were I not careful to keep my wits about me."

A certain young man told his girl the other night that if she didn't marry him he'd get a rope and hang himself right in front of her home.

"Oh, please don't do it, Harry," she said. "You know father doesn't want you hanging around here."

[130]Lawyer: "Have you conscientious scruples against serving as a juror where the penalty is death?"

Cohen left the ball-game because he said the umpire looked right at him when he called "three balls!"

"A Maine dealer says he has sold more skates this season than he has ever sold before in an entire season."

"Mercy!" interrupted her husband; "is that so? I had hoped that your mind, at least, was your own!"

Customer: "You have a sign in your window, 'A suit of clothes made while you wait.' Do you really do that?"

Tailor: "Yes, sir. You leave your order, with a deposit, and then go home and wait till the garments are finished."

[133]"Betty, why do you sit up at this hour of the night darning your stockings?" said mother, sharply; "don't you know it's 12 o'clock?"

A prominent man called to condone with a lady on the death of her husband, and concluded by saying, "Did he leave you much?"

[134]Bill had a billboard. Bill also had a board bill. The board bill bored Bill so that Bill sold the billboard to pay board bill. So, after Bill sold his billboard to pay his board bill, the board bill no longer bored Bill.

Tommy—Pa, did you really mean it when you said you'd spank anyone that broke that vase?

[135]Brown—I hear that they use all sorts of materials in the manufacture of illuminating gas, nowadays.

The other day the head of a boarding-school noticed one of the boys wiping his knife on the table-cloth, and pounced on him at once.

[136]"Pa," said little Willie, who had been reading a treatise on phrenology, "what is a bump of destructiveness?"

"Charley, dear," said young Mrs. Torkins, "I hope you are not going into politics."

Mistress (to cook who has fallen down stairs)—I hope that you did not hurt yourself, Mary?

She—"I think this a lovely hat you bought me, George, but really it's a sin to pay $50.00 for it."

Little Willie—Papa, why does the railway company have those cases with the ax and saw in every car?

Father—I presume they are put in to use in case anyone wants to open a window.

"Yes; I believe he found himself between the devil and the deep sea, and he realized that he couldn't swim."

The Spinster—My goodness! just think of a man being out fifteen nights a week! Well, I'm glad that I'm an old maid.

"Kind lady," remarked the weary wayfarer, "can you oblige me with something to eat?"

Lady (after the tramp finishes eating)—It's merely a suggestion—the woodpile is in the back yard.

"Dearest," whispered Cordelia, after she had captured the coveted solitaire, "I have a confession to make. I am a cooking school graduate."

"Oh, well," he rejoined, after the manner of one resigned to his fate, "we can board."

The Husband (meekly)—No, dear, never again. That's the way you did catch me, you know!

Elderly Man (greeting former acquaintance)—"I remember your face perfectly, miss, but your name has escaped me."

The Young Woman—"I don't wonder. It escaped me three years ago. I am married now."

"Well, rather. We had Indian meal pudding so often at our house that everybody got savage."

The butcher is a fair minded fellow. He is always willing to meet his customers half weigh.

"Not exactly," answered Mr. Cumrox. "But I once came mighty near having a French count for a son-in-law."

I was in the depot restaurant of one of the great railroads, and was asked why am I standing while drinking my coffee. All the rest of us sit down.

[146]John—I went into a restaurant to-day. The lemon pie that I had was a peach.

Tom—That's nothing, I went into a saloon and had no money, so I let the beer settle.

Fred—"That's nothing, my wife goes through my trousers and never misses a dime."

A man wanted a ticket to New York, and only had a $2 bill. It required $3 to get the ticket. He took the $2 bill to a pawnshop, pawned it for $1.50. On his way back to the depot he met a friend, to whom he sold the pawn ticket for $1.50. That gave him $3. Now, who's out that dollar?

[147]"No, indeed," she said, "I can never be your wife. Why, I had half a dozen offers before yours."

"Huh!" rejoined the young man in the case. "That's nothing. I proposed to at least a dozen girls before I met you."

"Is that a fact?" queried the Englishman, who was inclined to be a bit skeptical.

"Sure," replied the other. "You ought to see the salaries our baseball players get."

George—All that I said was, "My Dear Susie: The dog I promised you has just died. Hoping these few lines will find you the same. Yours, George."

"Speaking of accommodating hotel clerks," remarked a Portland commercial traveller, "the best I ever saw was in a town near Bangor. Just before I retired I heard a scampering under the bed and looked under, expecting to see a burglar. Instead I saw a couple of large rats just escaping into their hole. I dressed and went down to the office and put in a big kick. The clerk was as serene as a summer's breeze.

"Noah's wife," wrote one boy, "was called Joan of Arc." "Water," wrote another, "is composed of two gases, oxygen and cambrigen." "Lava," replied a third youth, "is what the barber puts on your face." "A blizzard," insisted another child, "is the inside of a fowl."

"Oh, because," explained the lady of the breach of promise suit. "Then he might change his mind and want to marry me."

"But," continued the alleged better half of the combination, "that man doesn't live who can tell me what they are."

[150]"Friend of mine to-day," said Mr. Kidder, "was talking of coming here to board."

"I hope," remarked Mrs. Starvem, "you were pleased to recommend our table and"——

"Sure! Told him it was just the thing for him. He's a pugilist and wants to increase his reach."

An English motorist is quoted as saying that he classed pedestrians as the quick and the dead: those who got out of the way and those who didn't.

"Yes, dear," said the petted young wife, examining her Christmas gift, "these diamond earrings are pretty, but the stones are awfully small."

"Of course, my dear," replied the diplomat husband, "but if they were any larger they'd be all out of proportion to the size of your ears."

[151]Two Irish farmers who had not seen each other for a long time met at a fair. They had a lot of things to tell each other. "Shure, it's married I am," said Murphy. "You don't tell me so," said Moran. "Faix, yes," said Murphy, "an' I've got a fine healthy bhoy which the neighbors say is the very picture of me." Moran looked for a moment at Murphy, who was not, to say the least, remarkable for his good looks, and then said, "Och, well, what's the harum so long as the child's healthy?"

A bashful young couple, who were evidently very much in love, entered a crowded street car in Boston the other day. "Do you suppose we can squeeze in here?" he asked, looking doubtfully at her blushing face.

"Don't you think, dear, we had better wait until we get home?" was the low, embarrassed, reply.

[152]"When the old man is shaking down the furnace, carrying out the ashes, feeding the cat and six kittens, and making the beds," remarked the observer of events and things, "of course he is too busy to hear his daughter in the parlor, singing: 'Everybody Works but Father.'"

"Well," answered the man who never admits that he doesn't know everything, "I wouldn't recommend it as a regular practice."

"After all, you know," said Mr. Oldbeau, "a man is only as old as he feels"——

"Yes," said Miss Pepprey, "but some old men make the mistake of thinking they are as young as they think they feel."

[154]"I want to get a head of cabbage," said the man who had been sent to market.

"Yes, he's got a flying-machine ready for a trial now and he's trying hard not to be proud?"

"He has none of the finer sensibilities, nothing to distinguish him from the common herd."

"No, sir. I've heard him confess, out of his own mouth, that all autos smell alike to him."—Puck.

"Because," answered the high financier, "as soon as people hear a hundred thousand mentioned they get suspicious. It is better to keep the figure marked down a little."

Wise—Yes; if I hadn't laughed so he would have repeated the thing, thinking I hadn't seen the point.

Gotabug—I should say so. I've smelt eggs that had more strength than a hundred pounds of beef.

"For mercy sake, don't put me near old Billions!" said Mrs. Lookyoung to her friend.

"I know it," said Mrs. Lookyoung, "but I never sit next to him at dinner but that he blurts out something like, 'You remember back in the old pioneer days!'"

"This is an interesting clock, Miss," said the salesman, "you really should have one, especially if you're bothered with tiresome callers."

"Yes, but beginning at 10 P.M., instead of saying 'cuck-koo' every quarter hour it yells: 'Go home! Go home!'"

"Why do they make those Oriental pipes with bowls as big as water pitchers?" asked the inquisitive girl.

"Those," answered the wise woman, "are for men who have promised that they will confine their smoking to one pipe after each meal."

The detective at the boarding house table having satisfied himself that nobody had observed him, folded up his magnifying glass and put it back in his pocket.

"Yes," he said to himself, "they've got the same girl they had when I was here two years ago. I recognize her thumb print in the butter."

"I never went to high school, son, but when I attended the little log school-house they used mostly hickory and beech and willow."

"Well, the game was poker and the hand had been dealt from the burning deck was a corker; so, as he didn't want to lose any chances, he—but you see?"

The Governess—What happened when the man killed the goose that laid the golden egg, Margie?

"Introduced a bill declaring it a penal offence for a man to ask for a haircut or shampoo on Saturday afternoon."

[159]"In my business," said the stock broker, "It is impossible to succeed without pluck."

"Huh!" snorted the man who had been up against it, "you mean 'plucking,' don't you?"

Tom—What's that? A two-dollar bill! You told me this morning that you were broke.

Jack—Well, I want you to understand that Japan isn't the only one that can borrow money.

"Yes, indeed, he's the homeliest man in public life to-day. Haven't you ever seen him?"

1—Guests are requested not to speak to the dumb waiter.

2—Guests wishing to get up without being called can have self-raising flour for supper.

3—The hotel is supported by a beautiful cemetery; hearses to hire, 25c. a day.

4—Guests wishing to do a little driving will find a hammer and nails in the closet.

5—If the room gets too warm, open the window and see the fire escape.

6—If you're fond of athletics and like good jumping, lift the mattress and see the bed spring.

7—If your lamp goes out, take a feather out of the pillow; that's light enough for any room.

8—Any one troubled with nightmare will find a halter on the bed-post.

9—Don't worry about paying your bill; the house is supported by the foundation.

J. Wise, Prop.

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