The Project Gutenberg eBook of Mr. Punch's Railway Book.

Only a few years before Mr. Punch began his long and brilliant career had passenger trains and a regular system of railway travelling come into existence. In his early days it was still very much of a novelty to undertake a journey of any length by train; a delightful uncertainty prevailed not only as to the arrival at a given destination, but equally as to getting away from a starting-place. Naturally, the pens and pencils of his clever contributors were then frequently in use to illustrate the humours of railway travel, and even down to the present time Mr. Punch has not failed to find in the railway and its associations "a source of innocent merriment."

It must be admitted that some thirty years ago the pages of Punch literally teemed with biting satires on the management of our railways, and the fact that his whole-hearted denunciations of the inefficient service, the carelessness which resulted in frequent accidents, the excessive charges, the inadequate accommodation, could have been allowed to pass without numerous actions for libel, is proof of the enormous advantages which the present generation[Pg 6] enjoys in this great matter of comfortable, rapid and inexpensive transit. Where Mr. Punch in his wrath, as voicing the opinion of the public, was wont to ridicule and condemn the railways and all associated therewith, we to-day are as ready, and with equal reason, to raise our voice in praise. But ridicule is ever a stronger impulse to wit than is appreciation, and in these later days when we are all alive to the abounding merits of our railway system Mr. Punch has had less to say about it. If we were to cull from his pages written in the days of his wrath we might be held guilty of presenting a gross travesty of the conditions now obtaining. Thus it is that in one or two cases only have we retained passages from his earlier chronicles, such as "Rules for the Rail" and "The Third-Class Traveller's Petition," which have some historical value as reminders that the railway comfort of the present day presents a remarkable contrast to the not very distant past.

To-day every member of the community may be regarded as a railway traveller, so large a part does the railway play in modern life; and it will be admitted that, with all our improvements, the element of humour has not been eliminated from our comings and goings by train. We trust it never may. Here, then, is a compilation of the "best things," literary and pictorial, that have appeared in Mr. Punch's pages on the subject, and with his cheery presence as our guard, let us set forth upon our excursion into the Realm of Fun!

MR. PUNCH'S RAILWAY BOOK

RAILWAY JOKES

Turning Business into Pleasure.—Take a traveller pressed for time, and induce him to enter a train supposed to be in correspondence with another train belonging to another line, and by which other train the traveller proposes to proceed to his destination. As the first train arrives at the junction, start off the second train en route for Town. The dismay of the traveller when he finds his journey interrupted will be, to say the least, most mirth-moving.

The Panic-stricken Passengers.—Allow an express train to arrive at the station of a rival company two hours behind its time. The travellers will, of course, be anxious to learn the cause of the delay, and will (again of course) receive no sort of information on the subject from the servants of the rival company. Should there be any nervous ladies in the train, the fun will become fast and furious.

A Lark in the Dark.—Start a train ten minutes late, and gradually lose time until it arrives in the middle of a long tunnel, and then stop the engine. Stay where you are for half an hour, whistling and letting off steam every now and then, to increase the excitement. Should it be known in the train that an express is due on the line of rails already occupied by the carriages, the humour of the situation will be greatly improved. Before playing this joke, it will be as well to lock the carriage-doors, and to carefully sever the cord of communication existing (on some lines) between the passengers and the guard.

A Comical Meal.—On a long journey promise that the train shall stop at a stated station ten minutes for refreshments. Lose time in the customary manner, and allow the train to arrive at the stated station half an hour late. Permit the passengers to descend and to enter the refreshment-rooms. The moment they are served, drive them back hurriedly into the carriages with the threat that if they are not immediately seated in their places they will be left behind. When the passengers are once more in their compartments, the carriage-doors should be securely locked, and the train can then remain waiting beside the platform for three-quarters of an hour.

The Strange Companions.—Invite ladies and gentlemen to travel in a first-class carriage. When the compartment is a third full, over-fill it with "merry" excursionists holding third-class tickets. The contrast between the "merriment" of the excursionists and the disgust of the ladies and gentlemen will be found a source of never-ending amusement.

A Wholesome Joke (added by Mr. Punch and suggested to the Passengers).—Whenever you find yourselves subjected to the "fun" of the railway officials, write to the newspapers and obtain a summons against the directors of the company which you believe to be in fault. Verb. sap.

THE LEVEL CROSSING

"Are there no more trains this evening on the up line, porter?"

"No, mum."

"And no more trains on the down line?"

"No, mum."

"Is there no special train?"

"No, mum."

"Nor an excursion train?"

"No, mum. The gates are to for the rest of the evening."

"You're quite sure?"

"Yes, mum."

"Then come, Amelia. We can cross the line!"

THE MISSING SPINSTER

You may boast your great improvements,

Your inventions and your "movements,"

For those who stay at home, and those who travel;

But arrangements for the latter

Are so complex, that the matter

Makes them dotty as a hatter

To unravel.

There was once an ancient lady

Whom we knew as Miss O'Grady,

Who was asked to spend the autumn down at Trew.

So in fear and trepidation

She sought out her destination,

And betook her to the station—

Waterloo.

She took her little ticket

And she did not fail to stick it

With half-a-dozen coppers in her glove.

Another moment found her

With a plenty to astound her—

For she'd notice-boards all round her,

And above!

So she studied every number

On those sign-posts that encumber

All the station; and she learned them one by one;

But she found the indication

Of the platforms of the station

Not much use as information

When she'd done.

In her shocking state of fluster

Little courage could she muster,

Yet of porters she accosted one or two;

But, too shy to claim attention,

And too full of apprehension,

She could get no one to mention

"Which for Trew."

So she trudged through every station—

"North," "South," "Main,"—in quick rotation,

And then she gave a trial to the "Loop";

Like some hapless new Pandora

She sat down a-gasping for a

Little hope to live on—or a

Plate o' soup.

'Mid the bustle and the hissing

An old maiden lady's "Missing"—

In some corner of the complicated maze;

And round about she's gliding

In unwilling, hideous hiding,

On the platform, loop, or siding,

In a craze.

And still they cannot find her,

For she leaves no trace behind her

At Vauxhall, Clapham Junction, Waterloo;

But she passes like a comet

With the myst'ry of Mahomet—

Her course unknown—and from it

Not a clue!

Rather 'Cute.—Small but Sharp Passenger. "Look here! You didn't give me the right change just now!"

Passenger. "Should I? Well, it's of no consequence to me; but you gave me half-a-sovereign too much! Ta-ta!" [Exit.

UNDERGROUND STUDIES

REPARTEES FOR THE RAILWAY

"Find my journal a nuisance." Dear me! was under the impression it was a newspaper.

"Allow you to pass." Afraid only the Secretary can manage that for you; he alone has power to issue free tickets.[Pg 26]

"Do I know the station?" Of the people on the platform? Probably lower middle class.

"Are we allowed five minutes for lunch?" Think not; but you can have sandwiches at the counter.

"I think this must be London." Very likely, if it is, it mustn't be anywhere else.

METROPOLITAN RAILWAY TYPES.

THE THIRD-CLASS TRAVELLER'S PETITION

Pity the sorrows of a third-class man,

Whose trembling limbs with snow are whitened o'er,

Who for his fare has paid you all he can:

Cover him in, and let him freeze no more!

This dripping hat my roofless pen bespeaks,

So does the puddle reaching to my knees;

Behold my pinch'd red nose—my shrivell'd cheeks:

You should not have such carriages as these.

In vain I stamp to warm my aching feet,

I only paddle in a pool of slush;

My stiffen'd hands in vain I blow and beat;

Tears from my eyes congealing as they gush.

Keen blows the wind; the sleet comes pelting down,

And here I'm standing in the open air!

Long is my dreary journey up to Town,

That is, alive, if ever I get there.

Oh! from the weather, when it snows and rains,

You might as well, at least, defend the poor;

It would not cost you much, with all your gains:

Cover us in, and luck attend your store.

The Origin of Railways.—The first idea of railways is of very ancient date, for we hear of the Great Norman line immediately after the Conquest.

Railway News.—There is an old lady who says, that she always likes to travel by a trunk line, because then she feels confidence about the safety of her luggage.

Railway Reform.—Compartments to be reserved for ladies over and under a certain age.

As there will invariably be compartments for those who smoke, so also for those who snuff. The former will be labelled as usual "for Smokers," the latter "for Snuffers." The last-mentioned will be tried as far as Hampton Wick.

The "Sleeping Cars" will be divided into "Snorers" and "Non-Snorers." Tickets will be issued subject to these regulations.

It is important to the Shareholders to know that on and after the abolition of the Second Class, the motto of the Company will be "No Returns."

A Plutocrat.—Swell. "'Dyou oblige me—ah—by shutting your window?—ah——"

Second Passenger (politely). "Really, sir, if you will not press it, as yours is shut, the air is so warm I would rather keep this open. You seem to take great care of yourself, sir——"

Swell. "Care of myself! Should wather think so. So would you, my dear fel-lah, if you'd six thousand a ye-ar!!"

THE SLOW TRAIN

On Southern lines the trains which crawl

Deliberately to and fro

Make life a burden; of them all

This is the slowest of the slow.

Impatiently condemned to bear

What is indeed an awful bore,

I've seemed to be imprisoned there

Three days, or more.[Pg 34]

The angry passengers complain;

Of new electric cabs they talk.

They sit and swear at such a train,

And ask, "Shall we get out and walk?"

It's true the time seems extra long

When spent in such a wretched way,

My calculation may be wrong—

Three hours, say.

The other day I had to come

By this slow train, but facing me

Was no old buffer, dull and dumb;

I chatted with my vis-à-vis.

A pretty smile, a pretty dress,

Gay spirits no fatigue could crush;

With her it was a quick express,

Three minutes' rush.

For once I sadly left the train,

For once the time too quickly passed.

I still could angrily complain,

Why travel so absurdly fast?

At lightning speed that special went

(I'd paid the ordinary fare),

Now looking back it seems we spent

Three seconds there.

Wednesbury Station.—First Collier. "Trains leave for Birmingham, 10.23 a.m., 6.23 p.m."

RAILWAY AND SOCIAL SYNONYMS

THE TOURIST'S ALPHABET

A is the affable guard whom you square:

B is the Bradshaw which leads you to swear:

C is the corner you fight to obtain:

D is the draught of which others complain:

E are the enemies made for the day:

F is the frown that you wear all the way:

G is the guilt that you feel going third:

H is the humbug by which you're deterred:

I is the insult you'll get down the line:

J is the junction where you'll try to dine:

K is the kettle of tea three weeks old:

L are the lemon drops better unsold:

M is the maiden who says there's no meat:

N is the nothing you thus get to eat:

O is the oath that you use—and do right:

P is the paper to which you don't write:

Q are the qualms to directors unknown:

R is the row which you'll find all your own:

S is the smash that is "nobody's fault:"

T is the truth, that will come to a halt:

U is the pointsman—who's up the whole night:

V is the verdict that says it's "all right."

W stands for wheels flying off curves:

X for express that half shatters your nerves:

Y for the yoke from your neck that you fling,

and Z for your zest as you cut the whole thing!

"THE MORE HASTE THE WORSE SPEED"

Country Cousin, bound for Bayswater, to ticket clerk, with scrupulous politeness. If you please, I want a first-class ticket to Bayswater.

Ticket Clerk (explosively). Single or return? Look sharp! You're not the only person in London!

[The ticket and change are slapped down unceremoniously, and Country Cousin is shoved on from behind by an impatient City man. Rushes precipitately down brass-bound steps, and presents his ticket to be snipped.

Snipper (inspecting ticket). Queen's Road, Bayswater? Wrong side! Go up the stairs, and turn to the right. Look sharp! There's a train just coming in!

[Country Cousin, with a deepened sense of humiliation and bewilderment, hurries upstairs, turns to the right, and reaches entrance to platform just in time to have gate slammed in his face. The train being gone, gate is re-opened, and the necessary snipping performed on his ticket.

Country Cousin (to Snipper, politely). If you please—will the next train take me to Queen's Road, Bayswater?

[Country Cousin paces the platform in moody silence, and wishes he had taken a cab. Enter train, rushing madly along.

Stentorian voice (without stops). Earl's Court North End and Hammersmith train first and second-class forward third behind!

[Country Cousin makes his way towards a carriage, but finds it full. Tries another with the same result, and is frantically endeavouring to open the door of a third-class compartment in which there is one vacant seat next a fat woman with a baby, when train moves on.

Indignant Official. Stand away there! Stand away, will you! (Drags back Country Cousin.) That ain't your train! What do you want a-tryin to get in there for?

[Country Cousin, in deeper humiliation, re-arranges dress, disturbed by recent struggle and resumes his agitated march.

Stentorian voice. High Street Kensington Notting Hill Gate and Bayswater train main line train!

Country Cousin (to Haughty Official, in an agony of entreaty). Is this train for Queen's Road, Bayswater?

[Country Cousin scrambles through the crowd to a carriage; drops his umbrella; stoops to pick it up and on rising finds train three parts through the tunnel. Exit Country Cousin in a rage, to get a cab, having lost twenty minutes, the price of his unused ticket, his self-respect, and that of everybody he has come in contact with in the Metropolitan District Railway Station.

TO MY "PUFF PUFF"

Puff me away from the noise and the worry;

Puff me away from the desolate town;

Puff me—but don't be in too great a hurry;

Puff me, but don't in a tunnel break down.

Puff me away to my loved Isle of Thanet

Swiftly—or e'en at the pace called the snail's,

Puff me the sea-breeze, and pleasantly fan it

Into my nostrils—but don't leave the rails.

Puff me away, far from Parliament's houses;

For brown moors of Scotland my soul is athirst—

For a smell of the heather, a pop at the grouses;

Puff me, but mind that your boiler don't burst.

Puff me en route for care-killing Killarney,

Tenderly take me, as bridegroom his bride;

Bear me towards Erin, blest birthplace of Blarney,

Puff, puff, like blazes—but, please, don't "collide!"

TO A RAILWAY FOOT-WARMER

At first I loved thee—thou wast warm,—

The porter called thee "'ot," nay, "bilin'."

I tipped him as thy welcome form

He carried, with a grateful smile, in.

Alas! thou art a faithless friend,

Thy warmth was but dissimulation;

Thy tepid glow is at an end,

And I am nowhere near my station!

I shiver, cold in feet and hands,

It is a legal form of slaughter,

They don't warm (!) trains in other lands

With half a pint of tepid water.

I spurn thy coldness with a kick,

And pile on rugs as my protectors,

I'd send—to warm them—to Old Nick,

Thy parsimonious directors!

Different Ways of Travelling.—Man travels to expand his ideas; but woman—judging from the number of boxes she invariably takes with her—travels only with the object of expanding her dresses.

VOCES POPULI

Scene—Interior of Third-Class Smoking Compartment. First Passenger, apparently a small Suburban Tradesman, of a full and comfortable habit, seated by window. To him enters a seedy but burly Stranger, in a state of muzzy affability, with an under-suggestion of quarrelsomeness.

The Stranger (leaning forward mysteriously). Yer saw that gentleman I was a torkin' to as I got in? Did yer know 'oo he was?

First Passenger (without hauteur, but with the air of a person who sets a certain value on his conversation). Well, he didn't look much like the Archbishop of Canterbury.

The S. He's a better man than 'im! That was Brasher, the middling weight! he giv me the orfice straight about Killivan and Smifton, he did!

First P. (interested, as a lover of the Noble Art of Self Defence). Ah! did he, though?

The S. He did; I went up to him, and I sez,[Pg 54] "Excuse me," I sez, like that, I sez, "but are you an American, or a German?"

First P. (with superiority). He wouldn't like that—being taken for a German.

The S. (solemnly). Those were my very words! And he sez, "No, I'm a Yank," and then I knoo 'oo 'e was, d'ye see? and so (hazily) one word brought up another, and we got a torkin'. If I was to tell you I'd seen Killivan, I should be tellin' yer a lie!

The S. (firmly). Nor I wouldn't. But you've on'y to look at Smifton to see 'e's never 'ad a smack on the 'ed. Now, there's Sulton—'e's a good man, 'e is—'e is a good man! Look 'ow that feller knocks 'isself about! But if I was to pass my opinion, it 'ud be this—Killivan's in it for science, he ain't in it to take anything; you may take that from me!

First P. (objecting to be treated as an ingénu). It's not the first time I've heard of it, by a long way.

The S. Ah! and it's the truth, the Bible truth (putting his hand on First P.'s knee). Now, you b'leeve what I'm a'goin' to tell yer?

The S. It's this: My opinion of Killivan and Sulton's this—Sulton brought Killivan out. I'm on'y tellin' yer from 'earsay, like; but I know this myself—one lived in 'Oxton, and the other down Bermondsey way. 'E's got a nice little butcher's business there at this present moment; and 'e's a mug if 'e turns it up!

The S. Yer right! And (moralising) it ain't all 'oney with that sort o' people, neither, I can tell yer! I dessay, now, when all's put to the test, you're not a moneyed man—no more than I am myself?

The S. But I b'leeve yer to be a man o' the world, although I don't know yer.

The S. (confidentially). I'm in it now. I don't get my livin' by it, though, mind yer. I'm a mechanic, I am—to a certain extent.[Pg 58] I've been in America. There's a country now—they don't over-tax like they do 'ere!

First P. (sympathetically). There you 'ave touched a point—we're taxed past all common sense. Why, this very tobacco I'm smoking now is charged——

The S. Talkin' of terbaccer, I don't mind 'aving a pipe along with yer myself.

First P. (handing his pouch with a happy mixture of cordiality and condescension). There you are, then.

The S. (afflicted by sudden compunction as he fills his pipe). I 'ope I'm not takin' a libbaty in askin yer?

First P. Liberty? rubbish! I'm not one to make distinctions where I go. I'd as soon talk to one man as I would another—you're setting your coat alight.

The S. I set fire to myself once, and I never live in 'opes of doing so agen! It's a funny thing with me, I can smoke a cigar just as well as I could a short pipe. I'm no lover of a cigar, if you understand me; but I can go into company where they are, d'ye see?

The S. (with fresh misgivings). You'll excuse me if I've taken a libbaty with yer!

The S. (after a scrutiny). I tell yer what my idear of you is—that you're a Toff!

First P. (disclaiming this distinction a little uneasily). No, no—there's nothing of the toff about me!

First P. (aphoristic, but uncomfortable). We can all of us be that, so long as we behave ourselves.

The S. (much pleased by this sentiment). Right agen! give us yer 'and—if it's not takin a libbaty. I'm one of them as can't bear to take a libbaty with no matter 'oo. Yer know it's a real pleasure to me to be settin' 'ere torkin' comfortably to you, without no thought of either of us fallin' out. There's some people as wouldn't feel 'appy, not without they was 'aving a row. Now you and me ain't like that!

The S. Not but what if it was to come to a row between us, I could take my part!

First P. (wishing there was somebody else in the compartment). I—I hope we'll keep off that.

The S. (devoutly). So do I! I 'ope we'll keep off o' that. But yer never know what may bring it on—and there it is, d'ye see! You and me might fall out without intending it. I've bin a bit of a boxer in my day. Do you doubt my word?—if so, say it to my face!

The S. I never take a lie straight from any man, and there you 'ave me in a word! If you're bent on a row, you'll find me a glutton, that's all I can tell you!

First P. (giving himself up for lost). But I'm not bent on a row—qu—quite otherwise!

The S. You should ha' said so afore, because, when my back's once put up, I'm—'ello! we're stopping, I get out 'ere, don't I?

First P. (eagerly). Yes—make haste, they don't stay long anywhere on this line!

The S. (completely mollified). Then I'll say good-bye to yer. (Tenderly.) P'raps we may meet agen, some day.

The S. (solemnly). Lord love yer! (Pausing at door.) I 'ope you don't think me the man to fall out with nobody. I never fall out——

[Falls out into the arms of a porter, whom he pummels as the train moves on, and First Passenger settles into a corner with a sigh of relief.

A SENTIMENTAL JOURNEY LONG AFTER STERNE'S

Scene—Reserved Carriage on the London and Utopian Railway. Female Traveller in possession. Enter, suddenly, a Male Traveller.

Male Traveller. A thousand apologies! I really nearly missed my train, so was obliged to take refuge in this carriage. Trust I don't intrude.

Fem. T. (after a pause). As you have no one to present you, I must ask "if you are any lady's husband?"

Fem. T. (drily). That is nothing out of the common. I have been given to understand that all bachelors are miserable.

Male T. (after a pause). I have it on my conscience to make a correction. I said just now that I was not somebody's husband.

Male T. (with intention). Well, not yet. But if you like you can receive me as somebody's betrothed.

Male T. Why, give it to me; and if you like you shall have mine in exchange. (Train arrives at a station.)

IN A SLOW TRAIN

"Look out for squalls"—on land or sea—

Where duty or where pleasure calls,

A golden rule it seems to be,

Look out for squalls.

Yet in a train that slowly crawls

Somehow it most appeals to me.

For then sometimes, it so befalls,

An infant on its mother's knee

In my compartment Fate installs—

Which makes a nervous man, you see,

Look out for squalls!

RAILWAY MAXIMS

The great charm about a railway accident is that, no matter how many lives are lost, "no blame is ever attached to any one."

A railway is long, but life is short—and generally the longer a railway, the shorter your life.

A Distinction with a Difference.—Disappointed Porter (to Mate). I thought you said he was a gentleman.

RAILWAY SCALE OF MANNERS

We have often been struck with the difference of manner assumed by railway officials towards different people. Shut your eyes, and you can tell from the tone of their voices whom they are addressing. The following examples will best illustrate our meaning. The railway potentate is calling upon the passengers to get their tickets ready. He calls:

To the Third Class.—Fortissimè.—"Tickets, tickets; come get your tickets ready."

To the Second Class.—Fortè.—"Tickets, gents; get your tickets ready, gents."

To the First Class.—Piano.—"Get your tickets ready, gentlemen, if you please; tickets ready, if you please, gentlemen."

EPITAPH ON A LOCOMOTIVE.

TEA IN TEN MINUTES

Ten minutes here! The sun is sinking,

And longingly we've long been thinking

Of Tea, Tea, fragrant Tea!

The marble slabs we gather round.

They're long in bringing what is wanted,

The china cup with draught em-brown'd,

Our thirsty souls are wholly haunted

By Tea, Tea, fragrant Tea!

Now then, you waiter, stir, awaken!

Time's up. I'll hardly save my bacon.

Tea, Tea, bring that Tea!

At last! The infusion's rayther dark.

But hurry up! Can't stay for ever!

One swig! Br-r-r-r! Hang the cunning shark!

Will't never cool? Nay, never, never!

Tea, Tea, scalding Tea!

More milk; don't be an hour in bringing!

Heavens! That horrid bell is ringing!

"Take your seats, please!" Can't touch the Tea!

Cup to the carriage must not take;

Crockery may be lost, or broken;

Refreshment sharks are wide awake.

But—many a naughty word is spoken

O'er Tea, Tea, scalding Tea!

A LUSUS MACHINER—Æ

Chatty Passenger. "Porter! That's one of those curious tailless Manx cats, is it not?"

Crusty Porter (shortly). "No, 'taint. Morn'g 'xpress!"

Passenger (puzzled). "E—h—I don't understand——"

Porter. "Don't yer? Well, you come and put your toe on these 'ere down metals about 9.14 a.m. to-morrow, and——"

Passenger (enlightened). "Ah!—I see—jus' so——"

[Retires under cover of newspaper.

RAILWAY COMPANIONS

I have come to the conclusion that the railway train exercises a sinister influence upon the human race. Persons who are tolerable—or even welcome—in ordinary daily life, become peculiarly obnoxious so soon as they enter the compartment of a train. No fairy prince ever stepped into a railway train—assuming he favoured that means of locomotion—without being transformed straightway into a Beast, and even Beauty herself could not be distinguished from her disagreeable sisters—in a train.

Speaking for myself, railway travelling invariably brings to the surface all my worst qualities.

My neighbour opposite hazards some remark. I feel immediately a fit of taciturnity coming over me, and an overpowering inclination to retreat behind a fortification of journals and magazines. On the other hand, say that I have exhausted my stock of railway literature—or, no remote possibility, that the literature has exhausted me—then I make a casual remark about the weather. The weather is not usually considered a controversial topic: in railway trains, however, it becomes so.

"Rain! not a bit," says a passenger in the far corner, evidently meditating a walking tour, and he views me suspiciously as if I were a rain-producer.

"And a good thing too," remarks the man opposite. "It's wanted badly, I tell you, sir—very badly. It's all very well for you holiday folk," &c., &c.

The window is up. "Phew!... stuffy," says the man opposite. "You don't mind, I hope, the window—eh?" "Not in the least," I say, and conceive a deadly hatred for him. I know from experience that directly that window is down all the winds of heaven will conspire to rush through, bearing upon them a smoky pall. I resign myself, therefore, to possible bronchitis and inflammation of the eye. Schoolboys, I may remark by the way, are the worst window offenders, owing to their diabolical practice of looking out of window in a tunnel—and, of course, nothing ever happens to them. What's the use of expostulating after the compartment is full of yellow, choking vapour. These boys should be leashed together like dogs and conveyed in the luggage-van.

The window is down. "W-h-oop," coughs an elderly man. "Do you mind, sir, that window being closed?" Polite mendacity and inward bitterness on my part towards the individual who has converted the compartment into an oven.

But there are worse companions even than these, of whom I must speak another time.

II.

I have known people thoughtlessly speak well of the luncheon-basket. In my opinion, the luncheon-basket arouses the worst passions of human nature, and is a direct incentive to deeds of violence. To say this is to cast an aspersion upon the refreshment contractor, who is evidently a man of touchingly simple faith and high imagination. Simple faith assuredly, for does he not provide on the principle that our insides are hardy and vigorous and unspoilt by the art of cooking? High imagination most certainly, otherwise he would never call that red fluid by the name of claret.

No, it is to the social rather than to the gastronomic influence of the luncheon-basket that I wish to advert.

Once I procured a luncheon-basket and with it came the demon of discontent and suspicion, converting three neutral people into deadly enemies.

One was a pale young man who had been scowling over Browning and making frantic notes on the margin of the book. Personally, I don't think it quite decent for pale young men to improve their minds in a public conveyance—but at any rate he had seemed harmless. Now he raised his eyes and viewed me with undisguised contempt. "Wretched glutton," he said in effect, and when accidentally I burned my mouth with mustard (which a sudden swerve had sent meandering in a yellow stream across the chicken and ham), he gave a sneering, callous smile, which reminded me that a man may smile and smile and be a—railway companion.

I verily believe that youth to be capable of any crime, even Extension lecturing.

Then there was a young lady reading a sixpenny Braddon, who viewed me as if I were some monster; when I shut my eyes and gulped off some—er—claret, she brought biscuits and lemonade from a small bag and refreshed herself with ostentatious simplicity, as if to say, "Look upon this picture and on the wine-bibbing epicurean in the corner." An old lady with her was more amply provided for (old ladies usually take more care of their insides than anyone else in creation), but although she munched sandwiches and washed them down with sherry (probably sweet, ugh!) luxuriously, she looked with pious horror at my plates and dishes spread out. I might have said, "Madam, I eat frankly and openly; my resources may be viewed by all. Your secret and delusive bags have limitless resources that you are ashamed to show."

I didn't say so; but the restraint placed on myself quite spoilt the lunch. No more baskets.

INJURED INNOCENCE

AN UNDERGROUND SELL

First Passenger. "They say they've put on detectives 'ere, to catch coves as travels without tickets."

Second Passenger. "'Ave they? Well, all I can say is, I can travel as often as I like from Cannon Street to Victoria, and not pay a 'apenny!"

Detective. "See here, mate; I'll give you half-a-crown if you tell me how you do it."

Second Passenger (after pocketing the half-crown). "Well,—when I wants to git from Cannon Street to Victoria without payin'—I walks!"

VOCES POPULI

II.

A Lady of Family. Oh, yes, I do travel third-class sometimes, my dear. I consider it a duty to try to know something of the lower orders.

The seats are now all occupied: the Lady of Family is in one corner, next to a Chatty Woman with a basket, and opposite to an Eccentric-looking Man with a flighty manner.

The Eccentric Man (to the Lady of Family). Sorry to disturb you, mum, but you're a-setting on one o' my 'am sandwiches.

The E. M. (considerately). Don't trouble yourself, mum, it's of no intrinsic value. I on'y put it there to keep my seat.

The Chatty W. (to the L. of F.). I think I've seen you about Shinglebeach, 'ave I not?[Pg 102]

The L. of F. It is very possible. I have been staying with some friends in the neighbourhood.

The C. W. It's a nice cheerful place is Shinglebeach; but (confidentially) don't you think it's a very sing'ler thing that in a place like that—a fash'nable place, too—there shouldn't be a single 'am an' beef shop?

The L. of F. (making a desperate effort to throw herself into the question). What a very extraordinary thing, to be sure! Dear, dear me! No ham and beef shop!

The C. W. It's so indeed, mum; and what's more, as I dare say you've noticed for yourself, if you 'appen to want a snack o' fried fish ever so, there isn't a place you could go to—leastways, at a moment's notice. Now, 'ow do you explain such a thing as that?

The Eccentric Man. Talking of sustaining, I remember, when we was kids, my father ud bring us home two pennorth o' ches'nuts, and we 'ad 'em boiled, and they'd last us days. (Sentimentally.) He was a kind man, my father (to the L. of F., who bows constrainedly), though you wouldn't ha' thought it, to look at him. I don't say, mind yer, that he wasn't fond of his bit o' booze—(the L. of F. looks out of window)—like the best of us. I'm goin' up to prove his will now, I am—if you don't believe me, 'ere's the probate. (Hands that document round for inspection.) That's all reg'lar enough, I 'ope. (To the L. of F.) Don't give it back before you've done with it—I'm in no 'urry, and there's good reading in it. (Points out certain favourite passages with a very dirty forefinger.) Begin there—that's my name.

[The L. of F. peruses the will with as great a show of interest as she can bring herself to assume.

The Eccentric Man. D'ye see that big 'andsome building over there? That's the County Lunatic Asylum—where my poor wife is shut up. I went to see her last week, I did. (Relates his visit in detail to the L. of F., who listens unwillingly.) It's wonderful how many of our family have been in that asylum from first to last. I 'ad a aunt who died cracky; and my old mother, she's very peculiar at times. There's days when I feel as if I was a little orf my own 'ed, so if I say anything at all out of the way, you'll know what it is.

[L. of F. changes carriages at the next station. In the second carriage are two Men of seafaring appearance, and a young Man who is parting from his Fiancée as the L. of F. takes her seat.

(Leans across the L. of F. and out of the window.) Well, goodbye, my girl; take care of yourself.

She. What a one you are to remember things! (After a pause.) Give my love to Joe.

He. All right. Well, Jenny, just one, for the last (they embrace loudly, after which the F. resumes his seat with an expression of mingled sentiment and complacency). Oh, (to L. of F.) if you don't mind my stepping across you again, mum. Jenny, if you see Dick between this and Friday, just tell him as——

[Prolonged whispers; sounds of renewed kisses; final parting as train starts with a jerk which throws the Fiancé upon the L. of F.'s lap. After the train is started a gleam of peculiar significance is observable in the eyes of one of the Seafaring Men, who is reclining in an easy attitude on the seat. His companion responds with a grin of intelligence, and produces a large black bottle from the rack. They drink, and hand the bottle to the Fiancé.

[Remainder of sentiment drowned in sound of glug-glug-glug; is about to hand back bottle when the first Seafarer intimates that he is to pass it on. The L. of F. recoils in horror.

[Tableau. The Lady of Family realises that the study of third-class humanity has its drawbacks.

IN THE HOT WEATHER TOO!

DRAMATIS PERSONÆ

Choleric Old Gentleman (panting, puffing, perspiring). Hot, sir, tremendously hot.

C. O. G. Right, sir! I don't understand you, sir. What do you mean by saying it is right, sir?

C. Y. P. I mean that the glass is quite right to be as much in the shade as it can in this warm weather.

Genial Host (putting his head out of doors). Heavens! what a night! Not fit to turn a dog out! (To the parting guest.) Well, good-night, old chap. I hope you find your way to the station.

Hard Lines on Individuals.—The compulsory purchase of land by a railway company is insult added to injury. The buyers take a site in the seller's face.

THE PORTER'S SLAM

The porter has a patent "slam,"

Which smites one like a blow,

And everywhere that porter comes

That "slam" is sure to go.

It strikes upon the tym-pa-num

Like shock of dynamite;

By day it nearly makes you dumb—

It deafens you at night.

When startled by the patent "slam"

The pious "pas-sen-jare,"

Says something else that ends in "am"

(Or he has patience rare).

Not only does it cause a shock,

But—Manchester remarks—

"Depreciates the rolling stock,"

Well, that is rather larks!

That's not the point. The porter's slam

Conduces to insanity,

And, though as mild as Mary's lamb,

Drives men to loud profanity.

If Manchester the "slam" can stay

By raising of a stir,

All railway-travellers will say,

"Bully for Man-ches-ter!"

MR. PIPS HIS DIARY

Tuesday, July 31, 1849.—Prevailed upon by my wife to carry her to Bath, as she said, to go see her aunt Dorothy, but I know she looked more to the pleasure of her trip than any thing else; nevertheless I do think it necessary policy to keep in with her aunt, who is an old maid and hath a pretty fortune; and to see what court and attention I pay her though I do not care 2d. about[Pg 120] her! But am mightily troubled to know whether she hath sunk her money in an annuity, which makes me somewhat uneasy at the charge of our journey, for what with fare, cab-hire, and vails to Dorothy's servants for their good word, it did cost me altogether £6 2s. 6d. To the Great Western station in a cab, by reason of our luggage; for my wife must needs take so many trunks and bandboxes, as is always the way with women: or else we might have gone there for 2s. 6d. less in an omnibus. Did take our places in the first class notwithstanding the expense, preferring both the seats and the company; and also because if any necks or limbs are broken I note it is generally in the second and third classes. So we settled, and the carriage-doors slammed to, and the bell rung, the train with a whistle off like a shot, and in the carriage with me and my wife a mighty pretty lady, a Frenchwoman, and I did begin to talk French with her, which my wife do not well understand, and by and by did find the air too much for her where she was sitting, and would come and take her seat between us, I know, on purpose. So fell a reading the Times, till one got in at Hanwell, who seemed to be a physician, and mighty pretty discourse with him touching the manner of treating madmen and lunatics, which is now by gentle management, and is a great improvement on the old plan of chains and the whip. Also of the foulness of London for want of fit drainage, and how it do breed cholera and typhus, as sure as rotten cheese do mites, and of the horrid folly of making a great gutter of the river. So to Swindon station, where the train do stop ten minutes for refreshment, and[Pg 124] there my wife hungry, and I too with a good appetite, notwithstanding the discourse about London filth. So we out, and to the refreshment-room with a crowd of passengers, all pushing, and jostling, and trampling on each others' toes, striving which should get served first. With much ado got a basin of soup for my wife, and for myself a veal and ham pie, and to see me looking at my watch and taking a mouthful by turns; and how I did gulp a glass of Guinness his stout! Before we had half finished, the guard rang the bell, and my wife with a start, did spill her soup over her dress, and was obliged to leave half of it; and to think how ridiculous I looked, scampering back to the train with my meat-pie in my mouth! To run hurry-skurry at the sound of a bell, do seem only fit for a gang of workmen; and the bustle of railways do destroy all the dignity of travelling; but the world altogether is less grand, and do go faster than formerly. Off again, and to the end of our journey, troubled at the soup on my wife's dress, but thankful I had got my change, and not left it behind me at the Swindon station.

THE TYMPANUM

The tympanum! The tympanum!

Oh! who will save the aural drum

By softening to some gentler squeak

The whistle's shrill staccato shriek?

Oh! Engine-driver, did you know

How your blast smites one like a blow,

An inward shock, a racking strain,

A knife-like thrust of poignant pain,

Whilst groping through the tunnel murk

You would not with that fiendish jerk

Let out that sudden blast of steam

Whose screaming almost makes us scream

Thy whistle weird perchance may be

A sad and sore necessity,

But cannot Law and sense combine

To—well, in short to draw the line?—

Across the open let it shrill

From moor to moor, from hill to hill,

But in the tunnel's crypt-like gloom,

The station's cramped reverberant room,

A gentler, graduated blast!

Do let it loose, whilst dashing past,

So shall it spare us many a pang;

That dread explosive bursting "bang"

Which nearly splits the aural drum,

The poor long-suffering tympanum!

"THE BLOCK SYSTEM"

Affable Old Lady (to ticket clerk—morning express just due). "No, I'm not going up this morning, but one of your penny time-tables, if you please; and can you tell me"—(Shouts from the crowd, "Now then, mum!")—"if the 10.45 stops at Dribblethorp Junction, and if Shandry's 'bus meets the trains, which it always does on market days, I know, 'cause my married sister's cousin, as is a farmer, generally goes by it. But if it don't come o' Toosday as well as Wednesday, I shall have to get out at Shuntbury and take a fly, which runs into money, you know, when you're by yourself like. If you'll be good enough to look out the trains—and change for half a sovereign, if you please. Oh no, I'm in no hurry, as I ain't a goin' till next week. Fine morn——"

[Bell rings. Position stormed.

WONDERS OF MODERN TRAVEL

Wonder whether accidents will be as numerous as usual during this excursion season.

Wonder if a train, conveying third-class passengers, was ever known to start without somebody or other exclaiming, "Now we're off!"

Wonder why it is that foreigners in general, and fat Germans in particular, always will persist in smoking with the windows shut.

Wonder whether anybody was ever known to bellow out the name of any station in such a manner that a stranger could succeed in understanding him.

Wonder whether it is cheaper to pay for broken bones, or for such increase of service as, in very many cases, might prevent their being broken.

Wonder how a signalman can by any means contrive to keep a cool head on his shoulders, while working as one sees him in a signal-box of glass, and the temperature of the tropics.

Wonder if upon an average there are three men in a thousand who have never been puzzled by the hieroglyphics in Bradshaw.

Wonder whether any railway guard or porter has ever been detected in the very act of virtuously declining to accept a proffered tip, on the ground that money, by the bye-laws, is forbidden to be taken by servants of the company.

Wonder how many odd coppers the boys who sell the newspapers pocket in a week by the benevolence of passengers.

Wonder what diminution there would be in the frequency of accidents, supposing directors were made purse-onally liable.

Wonder whether people take to living at Redhill because it is so redhilly accessible by railway.

Wonder again whether I gave my writing-case to the porter, or left it in the cab.

Wonder if they've got the Times of the day before yesterday, which I haven't seen.

Wonder which is the carriage where I left my rug and umbrella, so as to know it again.

Wonder if that was the reason why he grumbled less than usual and drove off rapidly.

Wonder for the third time whether I gave my writing-case to the porter or left it in the cab.

Wonder (to my fellow-passengers) that the company don't provide better lights for their carriages. Fellow-passengers say they wonder at that, too. We all wonder.

Wonder (for the fifth time) whether I gave my writing-case to the porter, or left it in the cab.

Wonder if I run across eight lines of rail, and over two platforms, to where I see the refreshment-room is, whether I shall ever be able to get back to my own carriage.

Wonder (while I am crossing) whether any of[Pg 144] the eight trains, on any of the eight lines, will come in suddenly.

Wonder whether the waiter heard me ask for soup, because I've changed my mind, and will have some tea.

Wonder, having begun on buns, whether it wouldn't have been better to ask for sherry.

Wonder if the young lady at the counter is deceiving me when she says I've got exactly a minute and a half.

Wonder (to guard familiarly) why they don't provide better lights for the carriages. Guard says, he wonders at that, too. Every one seems to wonder at that.

Wonder (to guard again) if I can get a hot-water bottle for my feet anywhere. Guard wonders they don't keep 'em.

Wonder (to guard once more) if I've time to go across the line, get my change out of the half-crown for buns and tea, and return to my carriage.

Wonder, being safely in my seat, that there are not more accidents from people crossing the rails in a large station.

Wonder why they always come for your tickets after you've made yourself comfortable.

Wonder, on this matter being settled satisfactorily, which is the best pocket for keeping tickets in.

Wonder if I should have had time to cross over to the refreshment-room and get the change out of my half-crown.

Wonder (to my opposite neighbour) what county we're passing through. He wonders, too. We both look out of our own side windows, and go on wondering.

Wonder if that protracted shrill steam-whistle means danger. Opposite neighbour wonders if it does.

Wonder if that's my portmanteau that that elderly gentleman is taking away with him.

Wonder, for the sixth time, whether I gave my writing-case to the guard, or left it in the cab.

Wonder if the guard is right in saying that, as I'm going to Redditon, it doesn't matter whether I get out at the next station, Stonnhurst, or Morley Vale, the next but one.

Wonder whether after getting out at Stonnhurst I shall have to go back for my luggage to Morley Vale.

Wonder why, when people invite one to come down to some out-of-the-way place, they don't tell one all these difficulties in their letter.

Wonder if I put it into the side pocket of my overcoat when I took out my lights.

"THE NURSERY SALOON ON THE RAILWAY"

A Needless Panic.—Mrs. Malaprop is puzzled to know what people mean when they talk of the present alarming Junction of affairs. She hopes it has nothing to do with the railways, in which she has some Deference shares.

THE OLD HALL

RULES FOR THE RAIL

The President of the Board of Trade having sent a circular to the railway companies with reference to making provisions for the prevention of accidents and the enforcement of punctuality, especially in connection with the running of excursion trains at this period of the year, the following regulations will probably come under consideration.

1. In future one line will be kept (when feasible) for up trains, whilst the other is reserved for the use of down-trains. This rule will not apply to luggage and mineral trains, and trains inaccurately shunted on to lines on which they (the trains) have no right to travel.

2. Station-masters should never permit a train to start more than forty minutes late, except when very busy with the company's accounts.

3. As complaints have been made that signalmen are overworked, these officers in future will occupy their boxes during the morning only. During the rest of the day the boxes will be closed. That the public may suffer no inconvenience by this arrangement, the trains will continue running by day and by night as heretofore.

4. A pointsman will be expected to notice all signals and to obey them. He will be required, before leaving his post (when on duty), to order one of his children to look after the points during his absence. The child he selects for this office should be at least three years old.

5. The driver and stoker in charge of an engine[Pg 164] should never sleep at the same time unless they have taken proper precautions beforehand to prevent an excessive consumption of the company's fuel.

6. When a luggage train is loading or unloading beside the platform of a station, it will be desirable to recollect the time at which an express is due, as unnecessary collisions cause much damage to the rolling stock, and not unfrequently grave inconvenience to first-class passengers.

7. The débris of a train should be removed from the rails before an express is permitted to enter the tunnel in which an accident has taken place. As non-compliance with this rule is likely to cause much delay to the traffic, it should be obeyed when feasible.

8. As guards of excursion trains have been proved to be useless, their places will in future be filled by surgeons. Passengers are particularly requested to give no fees to the surgeons accompanying these trains, as the salaries of these officials will be provided for in the prices charged to the public for excursion tickets.

9. In future, contracts from surgeons and chemists will be accepted on the same terms as those already received from refreshment caterers.

10. The public having frequently experienced inconvenience in having to leave the station when requiring medical attention, in future the waiting-rooms of the third-class passengers will be converted into surgeries for first-class passengers. As these saloons will be fitted with all the latest inventions in surgical instruments, a small extra charge will be made to passengers using them.

11. The directors (in conclusion) fully recognising the responsibility conferred upon them by the shareholders, if not by the public, will expel from their body in future (as a person evidently of unsound mind) any director convicted of travelling by any railway.

BLACKFRIARS TO SLOANE SQUARE

The man who got in at Blackfriars

Was smoking the foulest of briars,

But it went out all right—

Could I give him a light?—

Hadn't got one—well, all men are liars.

I've frequently noticed the Temple

Is a place there are not enough rhymes to;

And that's why I've made

This verse somewhat blank,

And rather disregarded the metre.

How do you pronounce Charing Cross?

It's a point where I'm quite at a loss.

Some people, of course,

Would rhyme it with "horse,"

But I always rhyme it with "hoss."

A woman at Westminster Bridge

Had got just a speck on the ridge

Of her Romanesque nose.

"It's a black, I suppose,"

She observed. Then it flew—'twas a midge.

One man from the Park of St. James,

Had really the loftiest aims;

In the hat-rack he sat,

Used my hair as a mat,

And when I demurred called me names.

I bought from the stall at Victoria

A horrible sixpenny story, a

Book of a kind

It pained me to find

For sale at our English emporia.

I found when I got to Sloane Square

That my ticket was gone; my despair

Was awful to see,

Till at last to my glee

I looked in my hat—it was there!

As Shylock Said.—Railway shareholder, with shares at a discount. "Give me my principal, and let me go."

SOMEBODY'S LUGGAGE

If you see half-a-dozen new patent leather covered basket-trunks with a name written upon all of them, in staring white characters, accompanied by a gigantic portmanteau and three hat-boxes, you may know that the Honourable Lionel and Rowena Silverspoon have started on their wedding-tour.

If you see a weather-beaten portmanteau,[Pg 174] accompanied by a neat little trunk and a pretty little birdcage, you may know that Edwin and Angelina Dovecot are going to Ventnor for the honeymoon.

If you see a big carpet-bag, accompanied by a large white umbrella and a tin colour-box, you may know that Daub, A.R.A., is going to Brittany in search of subjects.

If you see an overcrowded portmanteau, accompanied by a double-locked despatch-box, you may know that urgent private affairs have induced Captain Bubble (Promoter of Public Companies) to leave the City hurriedly for Spain.

If you see a small bundle, accompanied by a pair of handcuffs, you may know that urgent public affairs have induced Sergeant Smart (of the Detective Police) to follow the same route taken by Captain Bubble en voyage for Spain.

If you see twenty-four patent reversible extra waterproof holdalls, with all the latest improvements, painted blue, green, yellow, and red, and covered with hotel labels, accompanied by thirty-seven deal packing cases, you may know that Colonel Jerusalem R. X. E. Squash, U.S.A., and family are engaged in "doing" Europe.

If you see fifteen trunks, all more or less damaged, accompanied by an old portmanteau and a double perambulator, you may know that Mr. and Mrs. Paterfamilias and children are going to Herne Bay for a month.

If you see, in conclusion, a neat knapsack and a spiked walking-stick, you may know that Mr. Punch is off to Switzerland to enjoy himself.

MY SEASON TICKET

Ever against my breast,

Safe in my pocket pressed,

Ready at my behest,

Daintily pretty

Gilt-printed piece of leather,

Though fair or foul the weather,

Daily we go together

Up to the City.

Yet, as I ride at ease,

Papers strewn on my knees,

And I hear "Seasons, please!"

Shouted in warning:

Pockets I search in vain

All through and through again;

"Pray do not stop the train—

Lost it this morning.

No, I have not a card,

Nor can I pay you, guard—

Truly my lot is hard,

This is the reason,

Now I recall to mind

Changing my clothes, I find

I left them all behind,—

Money, cards, 'season.'"

AT A RAILWAY STATION

Never the time and the train

And the station all together!

My watch—set "fast" in vain!

Slow cab—and foggy weather!

I have missed the express again.

It was all the porter's fault, not mine,

But his mind is narrow, his brain is bleak,

His slowness and red tape combine

To make him take about a week

To label my bag—and he dared to speak,

When I bade him hurry, bad words, in fine!

O epithet all incarnadine,

Leave, leave the lips of the working-man!

It is simply past

All bounds—aghast

My indignation scarce hold I can.

My watch may have helped to thus mislead,

My cab by the fog have been stayed indeed;

But still, however these things may be,

Out there on the platform wrangle we—

Oh, hot and strong slang I and he,

—I and he!

THE ROUGH'S RAILWAY GUIDE

The ready rough may always regard a third-class carriage, or indeed, any carriage he can make his way into with or without a ticket, on the Underground Railway as a sort of travelling Alsatia, where brutal blackguardism finds "sanctuary."

The one duty of a guard—as of a watch—is to "keep time." He is not expected to keep anything else, except tips. For instance he is not bound to keep his temper, or to keep on the look out for roughs.

No one has a legal right to get into a carriage which is full, but then a third-class carriage never is full so long as one more brawny brute can violently force his way into it.

When bent upon enjoying the exceptional privileges and immunities reserved for blackguardism by the Underground Gallios, it is only necessary for a few hulking ruffians, big of course, and half drunk by preference, to thrust themselves violently in some compartment containing no less than twice its legal complement. In doing this they will, of course, rudely trample the toes of weak women, and insolently dislodge the hats of inoffensive men; thus paving the way pleasantly for future operations.

Having squeezed themselves in somehow, they can then further indulge in the lesser amenities of travel by puffing rank tobacco smoke in the faces of their fellow-passengers, expectorating at large with not too nice a reference to direction, and indulging in howling, chaff, and horse-play of the most offensive character.

The addition of blasphemy, especially if there should be women and children present, may probably provoke a mild remonstrance from some one, and then the rough's opportunity has arrived at last.

To particularise the rough's rules for dealing with such an objector and his sympathisers—if any—would be as tedious as superfluous; but the combined arts of the low pugilist, the intoxicated wife-beater, and the Lancashire "purler," may be called into play, with much enjoyment and perfect safety, until the object of his wrath is beaten into unconsciousness or kicked into convulsions. On reaching a station, the frightened passengers may perhaps dare to appeal to the guard! That autocratic official will of course, with much angry hustling and holloaing, declare that he can't stop to interfere, his business being, not to stay actual violence or prevent possible homicide, but to "keep time," and the ruffianly scoundrels go off shouting and singing "Rule Britannia" and telling their pals "what a bloomin' lark they've had in the Hunderground."

TERMINUS TRIOLETS

By Jove, I've run it precious near,

Was ever "hansom"-horse so slow!

Look sharp, now, porter, for it's clear,

By Jove, I've run it precious near.

Holloa!—that gun-case—hand it here,

The hat-box in the van can go.

By Jove, I've run it precious near!

Was ever "hansom"-horse so slow!

Six wholes, three halves, all second class.

The baby, mind, you might have killed her.

Oh, policeman, please to let us pass!

Six wholes, three halves, all second class,

To Yarmouth. What a madd'ning mass

Of people. Do come on, Matilda.

Six wholes, three halves, all second class.

The baby, mind, you might have killed her.

Two first, return, to Brighton, please.

Oh, yes—we'll go in Pullman's car.

I like to travel at my ease;

Two first, return, to Brighton, please.

We're running down to breathe the breeze,

I can't from business go too far.

Two first, return, to Brighton, please.

Oh, yes—we'll go in Pullman's car.

Guard, mark "Engaged" this carriage, pray;

Now, why on earth's the fellow grinning?

How could he know we're wed to-day?

Guard, mark "Engaged" this carriage, pray.

My darling, hide that white bouquet;

My head with champagne fumes is spinning.

Guard, mark "Engaged" this carriage, pray.

Now, why on earth's the fellow grinning?

Good-bye my boy; just one kiss more;

You'll write to mother now and then?

A sign from sea is sweet on shore,

Good-bye, my boy; just one kiss more.

Nay, don't you cry, dear, I implore,

Red eyes are never meant for men.

Good-bye, my boy; just one kiss more;

You'll write to mother now and then?

*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH'S RAILWAY BOOK ***

Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will be renamed.

Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG™ concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you charge for an eBook, except by following the terms of the trademark license, including paying royalties for use of the Project Gutenberg trademark. If you do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the trademark license is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and research. Project Gutenberg eBooks may be modified and printed and given away—you may do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks not protected by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the trademark license, especially commercial redistribution.

START: FULL LICENSE

PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK

To protect the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting the free distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work (or any other work associated in any way with the phrase “Project Gutenberg”), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project Gutenberg™ License available with this file or online at www.gutenberg.org/license.

Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works

1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg™ electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property (trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in your possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.

1.B. “Project Gutenberg” is a registered trademark. It may only be used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg™ electronic works even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project Gutenberg™ electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below.

1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation (“the Foundation” or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the United States and you are located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg™ works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg™ name associated with the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg™ License when you share it without charge with others.

1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project Gutenberg™ work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any country other than the United States.

1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:

1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg™ License must appear prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg™ work (any work on which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” appears, or with which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, copied or distributed:

This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook.

1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase “Project Gutenberg” associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg™ trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.

1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is posted with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked to the Project Gutenberg™ License for all works posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.

1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg™ License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg™.

1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project Gutenberg™ License.

1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg™ work in a format other than “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other format used in the official version posted on the official Project Gutenberg™ website (www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg™ License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.

1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg™ works unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.

1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing access to or distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works provided that:

• You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from the use of Project Gutenberg™ works calculated using the method you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, but he has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in Section 4, “Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.”
• You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg™ License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg™ works.
• You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of receipt of the work.
• You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free distribution of Project Gutenberg™ works.

1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the manager of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.

1.F.

1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project Gutenberg™ collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg™ electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain “Defects,” such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment.

1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the “Right of Replacement or Refund” described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, and any other party distributing a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGE.

1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further opportunities to fix the problem.

1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you ‘AS-IS’, WITH NO OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.

1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.

1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone providing copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg™ work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg™ work, and (c) any Defect you cause.

Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg™

Project Gutenberg™ is synonymous with the free distribution of electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from people in all walks of life.

Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg™’s goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg™ collection will remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure and permanent future for Project Gutenberg™ and future generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org.

Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation

The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non-profit 501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal Revenue Service. The Foundation’s EIN or federal tax identification number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state’s laws.

The Foundation’s business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the Foundation’s website and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact

Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation

Project Gutenberg™ depends upon and cannot survive without widespread public support and donations to carry out its mission of increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed in machine-readable form accessible by the widest array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations ($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt status with the IRS.

The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate.

While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who approach us with offers to donate.

International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.

Please check the Project Gutenberg web pages for current donation methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate.

Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg™ electronic works

Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg™ concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project Gutenberg™ eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.

Project Gutenberg™ eBooks are often created from several printed editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.

Most people start at our website which has the main PG search facility: www.gutenberg.org.

This website includes information about Project Gutenberg™, including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.


The saloon is fitted with refreshment bar, replete with all baby delicacies.	Patent swing sleeping cradles can be secured by wire or letter.	Rattles can be obtained at most of the large stations.	Efficient nurse guards, to look after the babies, travel by all trains.	The saloon is fitted with amusing toys, to beguile the tedium of long journeys.


The party that never says, "Thank you!"	The party that always says, "Thank you!"