Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. 62, January 20, 1872
Date: 2011-10-05T00:00:00+00:00
Keywords: English wit and humor -- Periodicals

The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. 62, January 20, 1872

This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook.

Title: Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. 62, January 20, 1872

Author: Various

Release date: October 5, 2011 [eBook #37639]
Most recently updated: January 8, 2021

Language: English

Credits: Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Ernest Schaal, and the Online
Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 62, JANUARY 20, 1872 ***

PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Vol. 62.

January 20, 1872.

COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON.

Fond Parent. "I hope you will be very Careful, Mr. Stimpson. I have always been accustomed to Cut their Hair myself."

Mr. Stimpson. "So I should have Thought, Madam!"

CASE OF REAL DISTRESS.

We do not covet the post of Prime Minister, nor yet that of Lord Chancellor, especially if, when Parliament re-assembles, a recent judicial appointment should be sharply discussed. We can think of the choice of a new Speaker without discontent with our own lowly lot, and at the present time envy of the Lord Chief Justice of the Common Pleas is not the predominant feeling in our breasts. But of all places, posts, offices, appointments, and dignities within the reach of an Englishman, the one which excites in us the least desire is that of "Examiner of Plays."

Who, with a heart, can resist feelings of the deepest commiseration, the most profound pity for the sufferings of another, when he hears that in twelve short years it has been the unhappy lot of the present Examiner to read one thousand eight hundred dramatic pieces—one thousand eight hundred tragedies, comedies, melodramas, farces, pantomimes, burlesques, and extravaganzas? There are labours which no salary can remunerate, services which no fees can requite.

A DISTINGUISHED "FRIEND."

"In consideration of a costly present which Mr. Joseph Pease, of South-end, Darlington, has made to the Spanish nation, the young King of that country has conferred upon him the Grand Cross of a Spanish order, and Mr. Pease, who is a Quaker, has agreed to accept the distinction."—Echo.

A Quaker a Grand Cross! We should as soon have expected to be introduced to a Quaker Field Marshal. Henceforth the sensation of surprise must be numbered amongst the lost feelings. Nothing now can move us more. Not the sun rising in the west, not the spectacle of an Irish Roman Catholic Bishop teaching in a Protestant Sunday school, not a Teetotal Lord Mayor, not the appointment of Mr. Tomline as Master of the Mint, or Sir Charles Dilke as Lord-Lieutenant of Middlesex, not the total abolition of the Income Tax, not the conversion of Mr. Whalley and Mr. Newdegate to Popery, not the purification of the streets,—no, not even the bestowal of the Grand Cross of our own Order of the Bath on some Englishman eminent in Art, Literature, or Science!

HOME-RULE.

Has Repeal, that in 'Forty was folly,

Grown sense in Eighteen-seventy-two?

Will the walls that defied Big Dan's volley,

Be by Butt's brass two-pounder split through?

Has Paddy, that still has craved ruling

And rulers, in wrong as in right,

Of a sudden out-grown schools and schooling,

And shot to Self-Government's height?

And was it but bottomless boasting,

With a point from Hibernian wit,—

That there ne'er yet was Irishman roasting,

But an Irishman's hand turned the spit?

Is it John that across the Atlantic

Stamps Pat Order's foe ever known;

And declares him a nuisance gigantic,

Till Yankee Home-Rule ousts his own?

Must hist'ry, as writ all untruly,

Like Hebrew, be read in reverse,

That, since Strong-Bow, shows Ireland unruly,

With lawlessness cursed as chief curse?

When the best of the race for home-ruling

Are those that Home-Rule most distrust;

As convinced that to trust Irish "tooling,"

Will bring Erin's car in the dust.

Home-Rule! 'Tis a compound sonorous,

Fine phrase on a green flag to fly;

But take stock of the stuff that's before us—

And who shall the Home-Rule supply?

Is't your own Irish Lords, Irish Commons,

Who adorned College Green long ago?

But to London would rather hear summons,

Than in Dublin be tied by the toe:

For the Greenest of all, the best brother

Of Pat in John Bull can discern;

And to cool English air from the smother

Of your factions, is thankful to turn.

Is't the Lawyers, who look for preferment,

Praise, pence, and distinction, o'er sea;

And when they have ris'n by your ferment,

Will be glad your close corking to see?

Is't your National Papers—press-razors,

Produced not to shave, but to sell—

Whose scribes might seem genuine blazers,

Did not conjurors spit fire as well?

Is't your Priests, with the gag and the blinders,

Which Church would fain use to tame Law:

Their pincers, for law-reason's grinders,

Their scissors, for lay-reason's claw?

Is't your Peasants, in feuds and in factions

Stark mad, for a nothing or name:

In their lodges, at murder's black pactions,

Or from a dyke-back taking aim?

In short, gauging all ranks and classes—

Those who are, or will be, by the ears—

The units, as well as the masses,

Lawyers, traders, priests, press, peasants, peers—

All ages, from seventy to twenty,

All shades, from deep knave to born fool—

I find means of "Home Mis-rule" in plenty,

But where are the means of "Home Rule"?

A Coming Retirement.

The Speaker's Commentary is already favourably known. We anticipate a very favourable commentary on the Speaker, when Parliament re-assembles.

"Donne's Satires."—Pantomimes without political jokes.

OUR POCKET-BOOK AGAIN.

eally, greatness has its multifold inconvenience. Falstaff wished that his name were not so terrible to the enemy, as he should then be less urgently called upon to go and fight. Mr. Punch wishes that his works were not so universally attractive, as he should not then have to answer so many questions about them. He has actually had to receive a Deputation upon the subject of his splendid and unparalleled Pocket-Book for 1872. It appears that certain improvements which he introduced into the volume have given the most enormous and outrageous satisfaction to the majority of mankind, and that the demand for the book has been excessive—almost inconvenient. But a minority of excellent persons, who hate all kinds of changes, have complained that by taking out certain blank pages, he has prevented the complainants from embalming their own observations by the side of his preternatural wit and humour. As aforesaid, a Deputation on the subject approached the presence last Saturday. Mr. Punch, of course, listened with his usual affability. The strong points of the applicants were, that they had been accustomed for years to write their own biographies and engagements in the sacred volume, and that the record of their lives thus became nearly imperishable, as no one in his right senses would ever destroy a Punch's Pocket-Book. They therefore humbly begged him to restore the old form.

Mr. Punch smiled, and gently said that of course he must be the best judge of what his friend the Universe required at his hands, and this proposition was conceded with respectful acclamation. He might just suggest that his Pocket-Book, although a precious jewel, was not a thing to be locked up in a cabinet, but one to be the light and joy of a household for a year, but it might not be so evident that personal entries, as "Charles very cross"—"Sweet letter from Arabella," "Bless Smithson's mistletoe!" "I hate Aunt Popkins," "Said I had not dined at Greenwich:" "Ridiculous sermon by new curate," and the like, were equally adapted for the perusal of the said household. Such things might be confided to a humbler receptacle. But the pleas being renewed, without reference to the answer (we need hardly remark that most of his visitors were of the sex "that can't argue, and pokes fires from the top," as good Archbishop Whatley said) Mr. Punch blandly promised that the views of the deputation should receive the utmost consideration at his hands. And when he had thus spoken he dismissed the assembly—or rather conducted it to a sumptuous, yet delicate lunch.

Duties and Imposts.

Important Notice to Travellers.—Any person arriving from the Continent is permitted to clear his throat at the Custom House free of all duty.

EVENINGS FROM HOME.

The next evening Tommy was dressed in an unusual style of elegance: every article of his attire was of the most exquisite cut; every species of ornament that fashion permitted to decorate his person was his; not a stud was omitted, nor was one drop, less than necessary, of india-rubber-boot-polish forgotten that could tend to render his toilet perfect. And, indeed, neither Mr. Barlow nor Harry were far behind him in appearance on this memorable occasion, which was nothing less than that of their first visit to the Royal Grecian Theatre, in the City Road.

Here, from their stalls (which were remarkably inexpensive, being, indeed, only one shilling and sixpence each) they surveyed the wonderful sight which presented itself to them, of a house densely packed from the floor to the ceiling.

The Pantomime was the only piece played, and was entitled Zig-Zag, the Crooked. When Mr. George Conquest, who represented Zig-Zag himself, first appeared, as if hewn out of the rock, inanimate as the Sphinx, a thrill of astonishment ran through the audience, which gradually showed itself in vehement applause when Zig-Zag's fearful eyes began to move, as at the command of the Young Prince, the monster became endued with life and descended from the rock.

Tommy. I declare this is the most extraordinary thing I ever saw.

Harry. Indeed, you are right, and I could not have conceived anyone being at once so hideous and so diverting.

Presently there was a brilliant scene, in which there were some admirable selections from the works of various composers, principally French, executed in a manner so creditable to the performers, as to call forth from Mr. Barlow the remark that he had heard nothing better of its kind in any Theatre this year. When Mr. Conquest and his Son leaped several times from the stage to the top scenes ("which" Mr. Barlow informed his pupils "are termed flies"), and tumbled through trap-doors, coming up again so quickly, and in so great a variety of places all over the "boards," that the audience was in a state of constant excitement as to what next might be going to happen; and when finally Zig-Zag took such a header, as Harry had seen the big boys at school do, when they were going to dive for chalk eggs, from the flies right through the stage, and was lost to all eyes, then the enthusiastic admiration of Mr. Barlow and his young friends knew no bounds, and they evinced their pleasure, as did the rest of the company, in such rounds of applause as brought on Mr. Conquest and his Son, without their wigs and false noses, to bow their acknowledgments.

The following night they went to the Gaiety to witness the performance of Mr. Toole in Dearer than Life, which Mr. Barlow had seen before, and in Thespis, the Christmas novelty at this theatre.

Tommy. If you please, Sir, what sort of piece is this?

Mr. Barlow. Indeed, my dear Tommy, I cannot exactly tell. And it is nearly impossible for an ordinarily well-instructed person to comprehend the precise meaning of any one subject on which those who should know best are apparently disagreed, and who, in consequence, signally fail in rendering their own meaning intelligible in the public.

Harry. That is true, Sir, and I perceive that you have noticed how, at various times, this same piece has been announced as a "Musical Extravaganza," an "Operatic Burlesque," a "Grotesque Drama, illustrated with music by Mr. Sullivan," a "Comic Opera," and lately an English Opera Bouffe. As perhaps next week it may be styled a Tragicomicopera, or some other title, I would like, Sir, to join Tommy in his question as to what you suppose this piece really to be?

Mr. Barlow. Why, then, for my part, I suppose it is intended for a specimen of English Opéra bouffe.

Harry. And what, Sir, is Opéra bouffe?

Mr. Barlow. It is a French burlesque—a vehicle for extravagances in costume, in acting, and in singing. It is in one, two, three, or even five Acts, and differs from the English burlesque in that it is written in prose, and depends mainly for its success upon the original music written for it by some composer, instead of on selections from various popular sources. In this piece, for example, the dialogue is prosy—I mean in prose—and the music has been written to suit it. I think we may, therefore, suppose this piece to be an English Opéra bouffe.

Tommy (during the First Act). I do not understand what characters these worthy people represent who are trying their best to divert us.

Mr. Barlow, who had been giving the play his closest attention, seemed to be unable to enlighten his pupil, and requested him to listen to what was going on, and occasionally refer to the programme, by which means he would probably arrive at some definite conclusion.

Harry. Truly, Sir, this piece reminds me of what you told me about Newton's Laws of Motion, and I look forward to being very happy and lively to-morrow morning.

Mr. Barlow. I am glad to hear it, Harry. But how do you connect such a result with the Laws of Motion?

Harry. Because, Sir, you told me that "Forces acting and reacting are always equal and contrary to each other." So, Sir, after this night is over, we may fairly expect a most exhilarating reaction.

Tommy was so much struck by this fresh instance of Harry's capacity for adapting his learning to whatever circumstances might present themselves, that he determined to learn the science of mechanics on the very first opportunity.

The audience continued to listen to the piece with a serenity which nothing could disturb, except the occasional appearance of Mr. Toole, who gave utterance to such quaint drolleries, of his own introduction, as sent the people into short spasms of laughter, in which Master Tommy most heartily joined, while Mr. Barlow applauded as loudly as the rest of the company. But Harry, whose temper was not quite so pliable, could not conceal the weariness that was gradually creeping over him. He gaped, he yawned, he stretched, he even pinched himself in order to keep his attention alive, but all in vain. He managed to rouse himself twice; once when Mr. Toole was singing an additional verse to his song (where, indeed, the accompaniment, consisting-of railway noises, would not let him sleep), and once when Mademoiselle Clary was exercising her skill in a rather pretty melody. But at length the narcotic influence of the dialogue, conspiring with the opiate charms of the music, he could resist no longer, but insensibly fell back upon his stall, fast asleep. This was soon remarked by his neighbours, who straightway conceived an unfavourable opinion of Harry's breeding, while he, in the meantime, enjoyed the most placid repose, undisturbed by either the envious remarks of some among the audience, or by the nudgings administered to his elbow by his friend Tommy; and, indeed, his slumber was not entirely dissipated until the performance was finished.

Harry (on their return to their Lodgings). Your remarks, Tommy, to-night remind me of the story of Polemo and the Continuous Highlander.

Mr. Barlow here made some excuse for retiring to his room; and as Harry was on the point of commencing the story, Tommy asked him to await his return, as he was only going to fetch his slippers, in order to sit and listen more comfortably to his friend's narrative.

Harry consented to wait for him, but, at the end of two hours, as Tommy did not return, he retired to his own room, and soon fell asleep.

THE FOURTH R IN MERTHYR.

In an article which appeared the other day our orthodox contemporary, the Western Mail, criticised certain late proceedings of the Merthyr School Board relative to the Fourth R difficulty in Education. Those proceedings, says that respectable journal, "were saved from being utterly ludicrous only by the gravity of the subjects which were under discussion." But for that consideration, the Western Mail is of opinion that it would have been good fun "to watch the efforts that were being made to realise that most delusive of all theoretical ideas—unsectarian as opposed to secular education." Perhaps most persons will think that those efforts were, as far as they went, not altogether unsuccessful, seeing that, after some discussion bearing on theology, the Board concluded, on the motion of one of its principal Members—a lady interested in the welfare of her species, Mrs. Crawshay of Cyfartha—that the sole form of devotion, public or private, dictated by the Founder of Christianity, "should be the sole form of public devotion employed in the schools." The Rev. John Griffiths, the Rector, "intimated that he would be quite contented with the proposed limitation of the form of prayer, provided that a doxology were added, recognising" a doctrine which Unitarians do not recognise. The suggestion certainly was creditable to a clergyman of the Church of England who keeps a conscience. It was professional; but the doxology is one of those special matters in the Fourth R on which professors, and doctors too, differ. The orthodoxology of one denomination is the heterodoxology of another.

There are forms of public devotion in common use as the prologue to public dinners. They are invocations in which all present can join, whatever their belief may be as to the Fourth R—if they have any belief at all—and if they have none, what then? It would be conscientious of a Church of England Clergyman to propose the superaddition of a Doxology to a Grace; but would it be wise? Would it not probably set a company of mixed denominations quarrelling over their soup?

In relation to food for the mind, Mrs. Crawshay proposed to deal with the Fourth R in a way analogous to that which experience has proved the most convenient method of adjoining it to food for the body. Herein she has acted on principles which many persons, besides a writer in the Western Mail, may call "illogical and unsafe," but no thinking man, or woman either, would call those persons philosophers. If every School Board were to legislate as to the Fourth R simply on the principle of teaching just so much of it as children can be expected to understand, would not their practical arrangement be of necessity about the same as that recommended by Mrs. Crawshay?

SUCH A BOOK!

ig books are big evils, says some old Greek, not of the vigorous type here depicted. Mr. Punch seldom agrees with anybody, and he distinctly disagrees with the Ancient in question. One big book, for instance, which is no evil, but a good, is Kelly's Post-Office Directory, with which he has been favoured, and which he has been perusing with avidity ever since it arrived. It was remarked to a clownish servant, who was eating away at a vast Cheshire cheese, that he was a long time at supper, and his triumphant answer was that a cheese of that size was not got through in a hurry. The remark, but not the clownishness, is adopted by Mr. Punch in regard to the Kelly Book. He has, as yet, read only the first thousand pages or so, but he intends to complete his labour. The volume contains the name and address of everybody, in London or the suburbs, whose name and address anybody can possibly want. Mr. Punch's own grand and brilliant idea is, to do with Kelly something like what Bayle did for Moreri. He meditates issuing a Kelly with vast notes of his own, in which he proposes to give a biography and anecdotes of everybody mentioned in the original book. As there will be several thousand volumes, the work must be published by subscriptions, which perhaps Mr. Kelly will be good enough to canvass and collect for Mr. Punch. The Kelly-Punch Biography will be a production worthy the gigantic genius of the age, and Mr. Punch admits that his collaborateur has admirably done his part of the work.

HISTORIANS AND HERETICS.

By attempting to enforce the Infallibility Dogma on those inconsistent people, who, calling themselves Old Catholics, have seceded from Popery in exercising their private judgment, and refusing, though ordered by an Œcumenical Council, to eat dirt, the Archbishops of the Roman Obedience appear to be waking snakes. The Pall Mall Gazette a few days since, said:—

"It was announced in our latest edition yesterday, that the Archbishop of Munich has excommunicated Professor Froschhammer. To-day a German correspondent informs us that the Professor has published an essay, in which he proves that the Catholic Clergy are all excommunicated for adopting the Copernican system and taking interest on money."

Professors Froschhammer and Döllinger, however, are snakes in a more serious sense than the ordinary cobras, rattle-snakes, copperheads, and vipers in general which the Fathers of the Lateran Council would mean by snakes, as a name for heretics. Hitherto heretics have been regarded by the Roman Catholic hierarchy as vipers which, in impugning Authority, bite a file. The above-named Professors appeal to History against the Pope. Dr. Manning may declare this appeal to be treason. He might add that it is undeniable treason. The reproach of treason lies in failure.

"But when it prospers none dare call it treason."

Such snakes as Professor Döllinger and Professor Froschhammer bite things more vulnerable than files. They bite legs and feet, through scarlet stockings, and white satin cross-embroidered slippers.

A Creed Miscalled.

The researches of Mr. Ffoulkes and other learned investigators appear to have proved that the creed of St. Athanasius, so-called, was not composed until ages after the decease of that personage. If so, it was unduly entitled with his name. Considering the purport of certain generally unpopular clauses in Athanasius his Creed, one conceives that it might, perhaps, be more appropriately styled the Creed of Anathema-maran-athanasius.

"CHEEK!"

Commercial Gent (to Swell who was smoking a fragrant Havannah). "Would you Oblige me, Sir, by Changing into another Carriage, or putting your Cigar out pro tem.?"

Swell (nonchalantly). "O, certainly." (Throws his Cigar out of the Window.)

Commercial Gent (complacently producing and filling his Meerschaum). "Sorry to Trouble you, but I never can Enjoy my Pipe when there's a Bad Weed a goin'!!"

FROM GALWAY TO CANDY.

Mr. W. H. Gregory, the accomplished Member for Galway, goes to Ceylon as Governor. We firmly believe that the Ædile rejoiceth at this, as Mr. Gregory knows a deal about Art, and the Ædile loveth not such men. Mr. Punch regrets to lose a bright speaker from the House, but is glad of his promotion. It will be no more,

Gregory, remember thy swashing blow."

The Honourable Member's "blow" will be had where—

"The spicy breezes

Blow soft o'er Ceylon's isle.

And no one ever sneezes,

Or feels a touch of bile."

Such will be the Gregorian Chant for some time to come. A pleasant exile, and a safe return, are Mr. Punch's sweet wishes to him who departeth for Candy.

UN MONSIEUR SMITH.

Among the news of the other day appeared the following:—

"Two Frenchmen, one of whom, however, gives the name of Smith, are in custody, charged with the commission of several burglaries in the suburbs of the Metropolis."

You would have liked to hear one of the Frenchmen give the name of Smith. His tongue, surely, betrayed him. M. Vaurien, or whatever his real name was, of course, in attempting to give the name of Smith, gave that of Smeet or Smis. Give the name of Smith, indeed! A Frenchman might as well try to give the password of Shibboleth.

A WORKING MAN ON WORK.

At the National Congress of Trades Societies at Nottingham, last week, a Mr. Graham said:—

"In his opinion it was one of the rights of a free man to cease work when he wished, either for reasonable or even unreasonable causes."

This is so exactly Mr. Punch's belief that, wishing at this identical moment to cease work, for the reasonable or unreasonable cause that he feels more inclined to smoke, he knocks off, without appending any proper and moral observations to Mr. Graham's dictum. Whether Mr. Graham keeps any sort of servant, and if so, whether Mr. Graham recognises the right in question when he wants his beer fetched, or his boots cleaned, is the only query that Mr. Punch chooses to exert himself to put. But he must add that the world would go on delightfully if this rule were always acted upon; and he is glad that the Trade Societies are enlightened enough to do their best to bring on a Millennium.

Suggestion to Mr. Lowe.

Lay a heavy tax on all persons telling old jokes, making old puns. Let the tax be doubled in the case of any person attempting to pass off such old joke or pun as "a good thing he's just heard," or as "a funny thing that happened to his cousin the other day." Mr. Lowe will find public-spirited men ready to hand in nearly all clubs who will voluntarily give their services, and for a moderate percentage will act as Collectors of this particular form of taxation at every dinner-party (where the name and address of the offender will be taken down), and in Society's drawing-rooms. This and a tax on photographs will bring in a handsome additional revenue for Eighteen-Seventy-Two.

A STILL BIGGER "CLAIMANT.

MY HEALTH.
(Concluded.)

e somehow turn the dinner conversation upon some peculiar way of cultivating mangel. Pendell looks at Old Ruddock, and, alluding to the last speaker's remark, whatever it was, says, "Aha! that isn't the way we grow mangel in the South, is it, Mr. Ruddock?" and therewith gives Old Ruddock such a humorous look, as if they had, between them, several good jokes about mangel, which, when told by Old Ruddock, would set the table in a roar.

I turn towards him with a propitiatory smile, as much as to say, "You see I'm ready for any of your funny stories." Old Ruddock glances up at me from his plate (he hasn't looked up much since the beginning of dinner), and replies, gravely and simply, "No." Whereat Pendell almost roars with laughter, and nods at me knowingly, as if asking if Ruddock isn't a character. He may be. Perhaps it requires the wine to draw him out, but he hasn't, as yet, said anything funny or witty; in fact, he hasn't said anything at all. The conversation, otherwise, is general and well distributed. Topics principally local.

As far as I am concerned, it is not unlike being suddenly given a bass part in a quintette, where the other four know their music off by heart. I speak from experience, remembering how, in the instance alluded to, I came in wherever I could, with very remarkable effect, and generally at least an octave too low, leaving off with the feeling that if we had been encored (of which there wasn't, under the circumstances, the slightest possible chance), I should have come out very strong, and quite in tune. As it was, I had first to find my voice, which seemed to have gone down like the mercury in a barometer on a cold day, and having succeeded in producing it, I had then to issue it in notes.

During dinner I am frequently brought into the conversation, apologetically, and appealed to out of politeness, as "probably not taking much interest in these matters."

The matters in question are usually something vexatious with regard to paupers, a political question deeply mixed up with the existence of the Yeomanry, the state of the roads in the next district, the queer temper of a neighbouring clergyman, the difficulty of dealing with Old Somebody at a vestry meeting, the right of some parish authorities to bury somebody who oughtn't, or ought, to have been buried without somebody else's consent; the best mode of making a preserve, a difference of opinion as to varieties of cider, the probabilities of a marriage between Tre-someone of Tre-somewhere with Pol-somebody of Pol-something else, and so forth. On consideration, I am interested. For, to a reflective mind, is not all this the interior mechanism of the Great British Constitution? Of course.

The only thing that Old Ruddock says the whole time, is that he wouldn't keep Cochin China fowls even if they were given him.

"Wouldn't you?" exclaims Pendell, looking slily at me and beginning to laugh, evidently in anticipation of some capital story, or a witticism from Ruddock. No, not another word. He is, it strikes me, reserving himself. I turn to my partner, and try to interest her in Ramsgate, Torquay, the Turkish bath, London and Paris news. She doesn't like Torquay, has never been to Ramsgate, and from what she has heard of it thinks it must be vulgar (to which I return, "O, dear no," but haven't got any proof that it isn't. I find out that she goes every season to London, and knows more about operas than I do, and finally was brought up in Paris, and generally stops there for a month yearly with her Aunt, so that I am unable to give her any information on my special subjects, and as she clearly wants to listen to some story which Tregony of Tregivel, on the other side of her, is telling, I feel that I'd better continue my dinner silently, or draw Ruddock out. I try it, but Ruddock won't come out.

Dessert.—Tregony of Tregivel does come out genially, without the process of drawing. He has some capital Cornish stories, with an inimitable imitation of Cornish dialect.

Flash.—While he is telling a rather long anecdote to think of something good and new to cap it. Why not something with (also) an imitation of dialect, or brogue. I've got a very good thing about a Scotchman, but can't remember it in time.

Odd how stories slip away from you just at the moment you especially want to remember them. During a pause in the conversation I remember my story, and secure attention for it by suddenly asking Pendell (which startles him) if "he's ever heard," &c., and of course he, politely, hasn't. Odd. Somehow, this evening I can't recall the Scotch accent. I try a long speech (not usually belonging to the story) in Scotch, so as to work myself up to it, but, somehow or other, it will run into Irish. My story, therefore, takes somewhat this form. I say, "Then the Scotchman called out, 'Och, bedad'—I mean, 'Ye dinna ken'"—and so forth. Result, failure. But might tell it later, when I'm really in the humour, which I evidently am not now, and yet I thought I was.

Old Ruddock begins to come out, not as a raconteur, but as an interrupter, which is a new phase of character.

For example, Tregony commences one of his best Cornish stories, to which we are all listening attentively, something about an uncle and a nephew, and a cart.

"They went," says Tregony, "to buy a cart"——

"A what?" says Ruddock, really giving his whole mind to it.

"A cart," answers Tregony.

"O," returns Ruddock, "I beg pardon. Yes, well"—

"Well," resumes Tregony, "they wanted something cheap, as they had no use for it except to get home,——"

"Get what?" asks Ruddock.

"Home," replies Tregony, evidently a bit nettled.

"Oh, ah! yes," returns Ruddock. "Home—well?"

"Well," Tregony continues, looking towards his opposite neighbour, so as to avoid Old Ruddock if possible, "the landlord of the Inn says to them, 'I'll lend you and Nevvy Bill a cart——'"

Ruddock's in again with "A what?"

I can't help turning upon him, and saying, rather angrily, "A cart!" I feel inclined to add, "You old idiot." Then I say to Tregony, encouragingly, "Yes."

"'Only' (continues Tregony), says the Landlord, joking them, 'mind yew du bring the wheels back safe and sound.' So they promised, and then they went about the town till it was rather late and getting dark——"

"Getting what?" asks Old Ruddock. Everybody annoyed, and two persons besides myself repeat the word "dark" to him.

With these interruptions, and the consequent necessity of making it all quite clear, specially when it comes to Tregony imitating the conversation between Uncle and Nephew, in two voices, when Old Ruddock perpetually wants to know "Who said that," and so puzzles Tregony that sometimes he makes the Uncle take the Nephew's voice, and vice versâ, and the story is getting into difficulties, when the servant enters with a message to our Host from Mrs. Pendell, which brings us to our feet, and into the drawing-room, Tregony promising me the story quietly in a corner.

The other ladies have come. We all try to enter the drawing-room carelessly, as if the ladies weren't there, or as if we'd been engaged in some fearful conspiracy in the next room, and were hiding our consciousness of guilt under a mask of frivolity. Miss Bodd, of Popthlanack, is alone at a table, turning over the pages of a photographic album. I join her.

Careful Flash.—Take care never to offer an opinion on photographic or any other sort of portraits, unless you're quite sure of your ground.

I remark generally that I don't care about photographic portraits. Before Miss Bodd can answer, I hear a rustle behind me, and a voice asks simply, "Why?"

Good gracious! It is—Miss Straithmere! She is staying with the Clethers ["Mr. Clether is here," Pendell tells me. "He's written a work on the Moon. Quite a character——"], and as the Rev. Mr. Clether is the Rector of Penwiffle, she is not a mile from the house, and will be here every day.

Singing and playing. Miss Straithmere asks me, "Why I'm so serious? Will I tell her? Do. Why?"

I expect Ruddock to sing. He doesn't. Mr. Clether is talking to him. I join them. I am anxious to hear what Mr. Clether's view of the Moon is. He replies, "O, nothing particular."

"But," I urge, Ruddock listening, "You have made a study of astronomy, and in these days"—I slip at this moment, because I don't know exactly what I was going to say; but I rather fancy it was that "In these days the moon isn't what it was."

Mr. Clether modestly repudiates knowing more about the moon than other people, and says that Pendell is right about his having written a book, but he has never published it.

"Why?" asks Miss Straithmere, joining us.

Carriages. Thank goodness!

I accompany Ruddock to the door. He has a gig, and a lantern, like a Guy Fawkes out for an airing.

I am still expecting a witticism, or rather a feu de joie of humour and fun, like the last grand bouquet of fireworks that terminates the show at the Crystal Palace.

Pendell (who I believe is still drawing him out) says to him, "You'll have a fine night for your drive," then looks at me and laughs, as much as to say, "Now you'll hear him, now it's coming. He's shy before a party, but now——"

Ruddock replies, from above, in his gig, "Yes, so it seems. Good-bye."

And away goes the vehicle, turns the corner, and disappears from view in the avenue.

Pendell chuckles to himself. "Quite a character," I hear him murmuring. Then, after a short laugh, he exclaims almost fondly, "Old Ruddock! ha! ha! Rum old fellow."

And so we go in. And this has been the long-expected "Nicht wi' Ruddock." He hasn't said twenty words. Certainly not one worth hearing. Yet Pendell seems perfectly satisfied with him, and years hence, I dare say, this occasion will be recounted as a night when Old Ruddock was at his best. After this, how about Sheridan?

Next morning.—My friend, Miss Straithmere, is coming at two o'clock. I find that I can leave, viâ Launceston, at eleven. I am not well. I can't help it. I begin to consider, is it my nature to be ill? No, I must go up to town, and consult my Doctor.

Adieu, Penwiffle. If I stopped, I feel that in the wilds of Cornwall, out at Tintagel or at Land's End, or in a slate quarry, or down a mine, I should.... Well, I don't know but I should have to answer the question, "Why?"

My present idea is to live in London, about two miles from the British Museum. Then I can walk there every morning, and work in the library at my Analytical History of Motion.

If the Doctor agrees with me, and if this plan agrees with me, I shall continue it; if not, I must take to boxing, gymnastics, or other violent exercise.

The Doctor does agree with me. He advises me to try my own prescription. In a week's time to call on him again, and go on calling on him regularly every Monday.

I have taken lodgings three doors from my Doctor's house. I shall make no further notes, unless, at some future time, I commence a history of a British Constitution (my own). And so, for the present, I conclude, with a quotation from Shakspeare, who was, among other things, evidently a valetudinarian, and finish these papers by saying,

"The tenor of them doth but signify"

"My Health."

Two Gent. of Verona. Act iii. sc. 1.

"ON THE TOP OF THE HILL, TOO!"

"My Tiresome Hat! So kind of you, Mr. Muggles! You don't mind Waiting for me, do you?"

[Don't he, though! He minds very much. Feels very foolish, and dreads being chaffed—particularly by some of those fellows below!]

IN THE TEMPLE.

Lord Derby has made a political speech of a very sensible character—"that goes without to say" in his case. He tells the Conservatives that they are to be neither apathetic nor precipitate, that they are to play a waiting game—the World to him who can Wait—and, meantime, they are to support Mr. Gladstone against the extreme men on his own side. And, said the Earl, "political life is not to be looked at as if it were a soaped pole, with £5,000 a year, and lots of patronage at the top." The sentiment is lofty and honourable. "But," said to Mr. Punch a rising lawyer, who intends to rise a good deal higher, "the deuce of it is that Lord Derby talks from the top of a golden Pyramid about soaped poles. Hang it! I'm like Becky Sharp—I should find it precious easy to be patriotic with fifty thousand a year. If I didn't feel I could manage the nation for the best (though of course I could), confound it! I'd myself engage the best Premier that money could secure, and serve the country that way. But blow it, as it is, and Henrietta's governor refusing to hear of me until I'm in Parliament, you see, old cuss——" "Virtue alone is happiness below," replied Mr. Punch severely, as he went away to get some oysters at Prosser's.

Note by a Foreigner.—On England's possessions the sun never sets. True; and on one of them, London, the sun never rises.

SAT UPON.

Hospitable Host. "Does any Gentleman say Pudden?"

Precise Guest. "No, Sir. No Gentleman says Pudden."

"IF!"

(A Channel Sketch.)

'Tother day I steamed from Dover

To Boulogne-sur-Mer:

We'd bad weather crossing over:

Very sick we were.

Busy, Steward's-Mate and Steward—

"Basins!" was the cry:

Ocean heaved, because it blew hard;

Heaved, and so did I.

In the intervals of basin

Blessed dreams were mine:

Fowler was from Ocean 'rasin'

Every ill-ruled line.

Over Neptune's worst commotion

Holding despot's state,

He not only ruled the Ocean,

But he ruled it straight!

Steady, sea ne'er so ugly,

Did his craft behave;

Passengers, carriaged snugly,

Sweeping o'er the wave!

Not a soul from out his cushions

Moved, the passage through;

Padded soft against concussions,

And spring-seated, too!

O, it was a blessèd vision!

Blessèd all the more

For that awful exhibition

Betwixt shore and shore.

But when terra-firma reason

On that dream I fixed,

At a less afflicted season,

Doubt with hope was mixed.

For, I thought—Can Fowler answer

That his boats won't roll—

Grant, that, swift as a merganser,

O'er the sea they bowl?

If they roll—and who can promise

That they never will?—

Little joy to John Bull from his

Power of sitting still.

Think of an afflicted train-full

Cabined, cribbed, confined—

Rolling with the rollings painful

Of that pen inclined!

Face to face, and knee to knee, sick,

Retch and heave and strain,

Think of a whole hundred sea-sick

All along the train!

Sea-sickness in open ocean

May be bad to bear,

But, boxed up in a train in motion,

Worse, far worse, it were!

So if Fowler cannot promise

Pitch-and-toss shall be

Game of chance, far-banished from his

Skimmers of the sea,

Better 'gainst our woes we gird us—

Cold, and stench, and spray—

Than in railway train you herd us,

Nausea's helpless prey!

If the traveller from Dover

Reached the other shore,

Worser woes, than crossing over,

Were for him in store.

Awfuller than the up-turn he

Suffers from the tide,—

Think upon that six hours' journey

On the other side!

Present woe 'gainst worse mismarriage—

Put it to the vote—

And I'll bet 'tis contrà carriage,

And for open boat!

A BURIED ARMY.

The Leeds Mercury is such an excellent paper, that Punch takes from it anything as unhesitatingly as (to use Lord Lytton's illustration) one takes change from an honest tradesman, without looking at or counting the coins. That journal said, the other day—

"There was a demonstration at Lausanne yesterday, in memory of the soldiers belonging to General Bourbaki's army who died in Switzerland, after being interred there last year."

We cannot see why there should have been a demonstration; at least, if it was a demonstration of wonder, the wonder would have been if the soldiers had survived their interment. It was Antæus, if we recollect aright, whose strength was renewed when he came in contact with the Earth, but he never went under it, at least not until Alcides had done with and for him. But is France aware that this is the way in which one of her armies was got rid of? Is this the boasted hospitality of Switzerland?

The Rainbow may be accurately described as the real Noah's Arc.

A MISCONCEPTION.

Passenger. "And whose House is that on the Top of the Hill there?"

Driver of the "Red Lion" 'Bus. "O, that's Mr. Umberbrown's, Sir. He's what they call a R. A."

Passenger (Amateur Artist). "O, indeed! Ah! a magnificent Painter! You must be rather Proud of such a Great Man living amongst you Down here!"

Driver. "Great Man, Sir? Lor' bless yer, Sir, not a Bit of it! Why, they only Keeps one Man-Servant, and he don't Sleep in the 'Ouse!!!"

THE NEW YEAR'S FINE.
(Husband and Father sings.)

An Income-tax increased to pay,

And that assessed at higher rate!

Well, we must bear it as we may,

By means of thrift, my weeping Mate.

We'll pinch, in clothing and in cup;

Thou shalt accustomed dress resign;

I'll give my Gladstone claret up,

To meet my Lowe's augmented fine.

What though that heavy forfeit make

A small, uncertain income less?

What if away the coin it take,

Which I should hoard against distress?

What though my earnings needs must cease

As soon as I shall be no more,

And may not last till my decease,

But fail us both, my Wife, before?

Still, whilst we wince beneath the Screw,

Put on with added stress this year,

We'll think how much, because we Few

Are taxed, the Many spend in Beer.

Our impost we'll with joy endure,

Because it seems the only plan

From fiscal burdens to secure

Exemption for the Working-Man.

The Working-Man who works with tools,

Such tools as hammers, saws, and planes,

By hand; whose numerous suffrage rules

The smaller class who work by brains.

Rejoice we that what we must spare,

The Working-Man has got to spend.

We're privileged to pay his share,

Till our ability shall end.

At least when next another year,

Another Budget's weight shall bring

To bear on us, if we are here

Still, as plucked nightingales, to sing,

We've cause, another little call,

At any rate, of hope to see,

For payment of the needful all

To set the Breakfast-Table free.

AMERICAN INCREDULITY.

In a speech delivered at New York on "Forefathers' Day," the Rev. Henry Beecher, discoursing of the "Pilgrim Fathers," said:—

"That they had their faults we all know. They brought with them some of the prejudices of Europe, and had not freed themselves from notions of persecution. They believed, above all things, in the existence and power of the evil one. The devil was everywhere in their thoughts. In our modern times we have gone free from that superstition. We of New York know there is no such being."

In the early days of New England anyone who owned to being an Adiabolist would have been deemed an Atheist. But then there was no Tammany or Erie Ring. Plunder and fraud, picking and stealing, are courses from which some natures can only be restrained by the piety which firmly believes in the personality, cornute and caudal, of Milton's hero. "We of New York know there is no such being." Do we? We think we do, but may have flattered ourselves.

Printed by Joseph Smith of No. 24, Holford Square, in the Parish of St. James, Clerkenwell, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Evans, & Co., Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and Published by him at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London.—Saturday, January 20, 1872.

Transcriber's Notes:

In the article "My Health," there is a mismatched round bracket, that starts with "(to which I return," but it is unclear where the closing bracket should go.

*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 62, JANUARY 20, 1872 ***

Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will be renamed.

Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG™ concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you charge for an eBook, except by following the terms of the trademark license, including paying royalties for use of the Project Gutenberg trademark. If you do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the trademark license is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and research. Project Gutenberg eBooks may be modified and printed and given away—you may do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks not protected by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the trademark license, especially commercial redistribution.

START: FULL LICENSE

THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE

PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK

To protect the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting the free distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work (or any other work associated in any way with the phrase “Project Gutenberg”), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project Gutenberg™ License available with this file or online at www.gutenberg.org/license.

Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works

1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg™ electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property (trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in your possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.

1.B. “Project Gutenberg” is a registered trademark. It may only be used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg™ electronic works even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project Gutenberg™ electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below.

1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation (“the Foundation” or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the United States and you are located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg™ works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg™ name associated with the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg™ License when you share it without charge with others.

1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project Gutenberg™ work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any country other than the United States.

1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:

1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg™ License must appear prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg™ work (any work on which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” appears, or with which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, copied or distributed:

This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook.

1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase “Project Gutenberg” associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg™ trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.

1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is posted with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked to the Project Gutenberg™ License for all works posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.

1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg™ License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg™.

1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project Gutenberg™ License.

1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg™ work in a format other than “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other format used in the official version posted on the official Project Gutenberg™ website (www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg™ License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.

1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg™ works unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.

1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing access to or distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works provided that:

- • You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from the use of Project Gutenberg™ works calculated using the method you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, but he has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in Section 4, “Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.”

- • You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg™ License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg™ works.

- • You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of receipt of the work.

- • You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free distribution of Project Gutenberg™ works.

1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the manager of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.

1.F.

1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project Gutenberg™ collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg™ electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain “Defects,” such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment.

1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the “Right of Replacement or Refund” described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, and any other party distributing a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGE.

1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further opportunities to fix the problem.

1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you ‘AS-IS’, WITH NO OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.

1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.

1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone providing copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg™ work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg™ work, and (c) any Defect you cause.

Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg™

Project Gutenberg™ is synonymous with the free distribution of electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from people in all walks of life.

Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg™’s goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg™ collection will remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure and permanent future for Project Gutenberg™ and future generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org.

Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation

The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non-profit 501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal Revenue Service. The Foundation’s EIN or federal tax identification number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state’s laws.

The Foundation’s business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the Foundation’s website and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact

Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation

Project Gutenberg™ depends upon and cannot survive without widespread public support and donations to carry out its mission of increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed in machine-readable form accessible by the widest array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations ($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt status with the IRS.

The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate.

While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who approach us with offers to donate.

International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.

Please check the Project Gutenberg web pages for current donation methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate.

Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg™ electronic works

Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg™ concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project Gutenberg™ eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.

Project Gutenberg™ eBooks are often created from several printed editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.

Most people start at our website which has the main PG search facility: www.gutenberg.org.

This website includes information about Project Gutenberg™, including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.

back

back

back

back

back

back

back

back

back

back

back

Table of Contents

- PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

- Vol. 62.

- January 20, 1872.

- COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON.

- CASE OF REAL DISTRESS.

- A DISTINGUISHED "FRIEND."

- HOME-RULE.

- A Coming Retirement.

- OUR POCKET-BOOK AGAIN.

- Duties and Imposts.

- EVENINGS FROM HOME.

- THE FOURTH R IN MERTHYR.

- SUCH A BOOK!

- HISTORIANS AND HERETICS.

- A Creed Miscalled.

- "CHEEK!"

- FROM GALWAY TO CANDY.

- UN MONSIEUR SMITH.

- A WORKING MAN ON WORK.

- Suggestion to Mr. Lowe.

- A STILL BIGGER "CLAIMANT.

- MY HEALTH. (Concluded.)

- "ON THE TOP OF THE HILL, TOO!"

- IN THE TEMPLE.

- SAT UPON.

- "IF!"

- A BURIED ARMY.

- A MISCONCEPTION.

- THE NEW YEAR'S FINE. (Husband and Father sings.)

- AMERICAN INCREDULITY.

- Transcriber's Notes:

- THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE