The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Levellers, by Anonymous

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The Levellers Movement

Politica and Sophia, two young Ladies of great Beauty and Wit, having taken Lodgings together, this Summer, in the Country, diverted themselves in the Evenings by walking to a certain Shadow, which they might justly call their own, being frequented by none but themselves and the harmonious Society of the Wood. Here they consumed the happy Minutes, not in idle Chat peculiar to the Ladies of the Court and City; they did not dispute the Manner of Dressing, the Beauties and Foil of the Commode and Top-knot, nor the Laws and Administration of the Attiring-room. They talked of nobler Subjects, of the Beauty and wonderful Creation of Almighty God, and of the Nature of Man, the Lord of the Universe, and of the whole Dominions of Nature. Pity it is we cannot procure all that these Ladies have so privately, as they thought, discoursed; but we are very happy in having what follows, which came to our Knowledge by a mere Accident. A Gentleman, lodging in the Neighbourhood, one Evening, taking a Walk for his Recreation, haply laid himself down behind a Hedge, near the very Shadow frequented by these Ladies; he had not lain long, before these Angels appeared at a Distance, and he, peeping through the Boughs (which served as a Telescope to bring the divine Objects nearer his View) was extremely ravished with their Beauty; but, alas! What was the Beauty of their Faces to that of their Minds, discovered to this happy Man by the soft and charming Eloquence of their Tongues? And no Man in the World was better qualified to give an Account of this noble Dialogue, than this Person, he being an accurate Short-hand Writer, and had been Pupil to Mr. Blainey in that Science, and very happily had, at that Time, Pen, Ink, and Paper about him; he heard with Amazement their Discourse on common Affairs, but, when the charming Sophia had fixed on a Subject, he began to write as follows:

Sophia. My dear Sister, How happy are we in this blessed Retirement, free from the Hurry of the noisy Town! Here we can contemplate on the Wonders of Nature, and on the Wisdom of the great Founder of the Universe. Do you see how the Leaves of this Thicket are grown, since we first retired to [Pg 4]its Shadow? It now affords us a sufficient Shelter from the Heat of the Sun, from Storms, and Rain; see yonder Shrub, what Abundance of Cyons sprout from its Root? See yonder Ewes, with their pretty Lambs skipping and dancing by their Sides. How careful is Nature to propagate every Part of the Handywork of the Almighty! But you and I, my Politica, are useless Creatures, not answering the End of our Creation in the Propagation of our Species, for which, next the Service of our Creator, we came into the World. This is our Sin, and we ought to be Transgressors no longer.

Politica. Every Creature desires to propagate its Species, and Nature dictates to every Part of the Creation the Manner of doing it. The brute Beasts are subservient to this Law, and wholly answer the End of their Creation: Now there is the same Desire in Mankind; but we, who are endowed with noble Faculties, and who have Countenances erected to behold the Wonders of God in the Firmament of Heaven, look so far into the Earth, that we sink beneath the Dignity of Beasts. In being averse to Generation, we offer Violence to the Laws of God and Nature imprinted on our Minds. What she can say, that Nature does not prompt her to the Propagation of her Species? Which, indeed, is one Argument of the Immortality of the Soul; for the rational Faculties concur with the Dictates of Nature in this Point. We are, as it were, immortal upon Earth, in our surviving Children. It is a Sort of Hyperbole, but it is as near Truth as possibly can be. We are all of us desirous of Life; and, since, being mortal, we cannot for ever inhabit this glorious World, we are willing to leave our Children in Possession.

I cannot agree with you, Madam, that it is our Fault we do not propagate our Species, at least, I am sure, it is none of mine; I am young, and healthy, and beautiful enough, and Nature daily tells me what Work I ought to do; the Laws of God circumscribe the Doing of it; and yet, notwithstanding my Conformity to both, you know, my Circumstances will not admit of Marriage.

Sophia. The Impulse of Nature in me, in that Respect, is as great as it can be in you, but still under the Regulations of the strictest Rules of Virtue. The End of our Creation [Pg 5]might be better answered, were not the matrimonial Knot to be tied only by the Purse-string. I can say, I am young and beautiful, and that without any Vanity. This Mr. H—— knows well enough; he loves me intirely, and, I am sure, had rather live all his Life-time with me in a Garret, on the Scrag-end of a Neck of Mutton, than with the Lady his Father proposes; but the old Curmudgeon will not let his Son have the least Thoughts of me, because the Muck, my Father has left me, will not fill so many Dung-carts, as he can fill for his Son: It is even true, what the Parson said, 'Matrimony is become a Matter of Money.' This is the Reason, that you and I stick on Hand so long, as the Tradesmen at London say, when they cannot put off their Daughters.

Politica. Matrimony is, indeed, become a mere Trade; they carry their Daughters to Smithfield, as they do Horses, and sell to the highest Bidder. Formerly, I have heard, nothing went current in the Matrimonial Territories, but Birth and Blood; but, alas! this was in the antiquated Times, when Virtue and Honour was a Commodity in England, and when the Nobility and Gentry were in Possession of large Estates, and were content to live upon them, and keep Courts of their own in the Country; but, since they abandoned the State and Grandeur of their Fore-fathers, and became Courtiers, and extravagantly wasted their Substance in polluted Amours in the City, they have no Way to repair the Cracks in the Estates, but by Marrying of Fortunes; and, if the Woman be a Fortune, it is no Matter how she is descended; Gold is the Quarry they fly at. I remember some old Verses to this Purpose:

'Gold Marriages makes, 'tis the Center of Love;
'It sets up the Man, and it helps up the Woman:
'By the Golden Rule all Mortals do move,
'For Gold makes Lords bow to the Brat of a Broom-man.'

These Verses are older than either you, or I, and yet they are true in our Time.

Sophia. Aye, Madam, too true, I find it so; but, methinks, it is a mere Way of selling Children for Money, when, poor Creatures, they often purchase what will be a [Pg 6]Plague to them all their Life-time, a cursed ill-natured Shrew, or a beastly, ill-conditioned Husband. Let me live a Maid to the last Minute of my Life, rather than thus to lose my Content, my Peace of Mind, and domestick Quiet, and all this for the inconsiderable Trifle of a large Bag of Money for my Portion. Let the old Curmudgeons keep the Golden Coxcombs, their Sons, for the best Market. Heaven send me a Spouse, that has Sense enough to despise a Bargain in Petticoats with Abundance of Money and no Brains! Methinks, a Smithfield Match is so very ridiculous, that it might nauseate a half-witted Courtier. How ridiculous is it for an old Miser to shew the Portion first, and his Daughter afterwards! And, when both Parties are agreed upon the Price, then Miss goes off, coarse or handsome, good or ill-natured, it is no Matter. I fancy, an old Miser, exposing his Daughter to Sale, looks like a Country Farmer selling his white-faced Calf in the Market, or like a Grasier enhancing the Price of a ragged, scrubby Ox, from the Consideration of Abundance of Tallow he will turn out. Even just such a Thing is a Smithfield Match; and, as soon as the Miser has struck the Bargain for his Daughter, away he goes to the Parson's Toll-book, and there is an End of the Matter.

Politica. It is even so; but it is a cursed wicked Way of Wedding; it is perfect Kidnapping Children into the Marriage Plantations. This Practice is contrary to the Laws of Nature and God. Those pretty Birds, you now hear singing over our Heads, last Valentine's Day, chose every one his Mate, without the Direction, or Approbation of their Parents. The Scripture says (I think it is in the Sixth of Genesis, and the second Verse) That the Sons of God saw the Daughters of Men, that they were fair; and they took them Wives of all which they chose. Do but mind this Text of Scripture, it is very much to our Purpose; it is not there said, That the Sons of God saw the Daughters of Men, that they had Abundance of Money, but they were fair, i. e. they were such as were beautiful and lovely. This was the Attractive of Courtship. It is not here said, that the old Misers, as now, carried their Sons and Daughters to Marriage-Fair, and swopped one for the other, with so much Money and the Vantage; but here the Sons are left to chuse themselves [Pg 7]Wives, and they chose such as were fair, even just such as my beautiful Sophia. And let me make this farther Remark, That, for Chusing such Wives, they are called the Sons of God: Hence it naturally follows, That whosoever do chuse Wives after any other Manner are the Sons of the Devil; and thus the young sold Couple are the Son and Daughter of the Devil, and the old Miser, that sold them, is the Devil's Brother-in-law, and so they are matched into a very fine Family.

Sophia. Truly, Sister, I am apt to think, God Almighty has nothing to do with such Matches, though we have a common Proverb in England, 'That Matches are made in Heaven;' I can truly say, as the Country Wench did, 'They are a long Time in coming down.' I have waited for one a great While to no Purpose; my Money will not grow to the Height of a Husband, though I water it with Tears, and air it with Sighs; but, prithee, Sister, let us contrive some Way or other how to remove this great Evil, this Grievance of Celibacy, under which the Nation groaneth. I can take it to be nothing less than a National Judgment, when our Men, the Strength of our Kingdom, are daily consumed and wasted away by the Wars, and there is no Care taken of a Supply. Our Ships and Armies, in a short Time, will want Soldiers; but this is none of our Fault; you and I would endeavour at a Race of Heroes for the Service of our Country, if we could come honestly at the Instruments which make them.

Politica. It is very true; but the Remedy: In the first Place, Sister, let us consider the Causes of the Evil, and then the Remedy. Begin, Madam, let me hear your Opinion of the Cause of this Evil.

Sophia. None fitter than your judicious Self to lead the Way in this Argument: But, however, Madam, I will obey your Command; and I think it is Want of Virtue both in young Men and Women, that is the chief Cause of this destructive Evil.

Out of Civility to the Man, I will begin first with our own Sex. I am ashamed, and blush to speak it, how many lewd Creatures there are of our Sex both in the Town and Country; were there not so many Whores, there would be more Wives. The vicious Sort of Men are by them kept from marrying; for it is mere Virtue must confine a Man to a married State, where he has an uninterrupted Converse with Womankind as seldom and as often as he pleases, without Confinement to any particular Person or Temper. This made a Nobleman say, that Two Things could never be wanted in London, a Wife and a Watch; because one may have a Whore, and see what it is a Clock, at the End of every Street.

The numerous Company of Strumpets and Harlots, in London, makes the lewd Sort of Men out of Love with Matrimony. Nay, I have heard them say, There is no Woman honest after the Age of Fifteen. I know they are Lyars; but, I am sorry to say it, they have too much Reason to be out of Love with our Sex. Sometimes I myself am almost of their Opinion, especially when I consider how shamefully some lewd Women prostitute themselves to every rascally Porter and Boy: And I think it more abominable in the Women than the Men, for Nature has given us more Modesty; and, did not the Whores ply in the Streets, the Leacher could never stumble over them.

The Men, they are grown full as effeminate as the Women; we are rivalled by them even in the Fooleries peculiar to our Sex: They dress like Anticks and Stage-Players, and are as ridiculous as Monkies: They sit in monstrous long Perukies, like so many Owls in Ivy-Bushes; and esteem themselves more upon the Reputation of being a Beau, than on the substantial Qualifications of Honour, Courage, Learning, and Judgment. If you heard them talk, you would think yourself at a Gossipping at Dover, or that you heard the learned Confabulation of the Boys in the Piazza's of Christ's-Hospital. Did you ever see a Creature more ridiculous than that Stake of Humane Nature which dined the other Day at our House, with his great long Wig to cover his Head and Face, which was no bigger than an Hackney-Turnep, and much of the same Form and Shape? Bless me how it looked! just like a great Platter of French Soup with a little Bit of Flesh in the Middle. Did you mark the beau Tiff of his Wig, what a deal of Pains he took to toss it back, when the very Weight thereof was like to draw him from his Seat? Did you not take Notice how he replenished his Snout with Snuff, and what Pains he took to let us know that it was Vigo? Did you not wonder at his learned Discourse of the Womens Accoutrements, from [Pg 9]the Top-knot to the Laced Shoe; and what Lectures he read on the Fan, Masque, and Gloves? He understood Ribbons and Silk as well as a Milliner and Mercer, and was a perfect Chymist in Beauty Washes and Essences: In short, Madam, did you ever see a more accomplished Coxcomb in all your Life?

Now, my Dear, though I must acknowledge our Sex to be extraordinary vicious, we will not knock under-board to the Men; we have yet more Virtue left among us than they can match: For though, to our great Shame, we are degenerated in one Respect, to our Commendation we are improved in another: We never had, in any Age, Women of better Parts, of greater Virtue, and more Knowledge. Learning and Wit seem to have forsaken the Masculine Dominions, and to have taken up their Abode in the Feminine Territories: And, indeed, the Men are so wickedly degenerated, that Learning, Virtue, Courage, and Conduct seem to be unnecessary Accomplishments; for they signify nothing as to their Preferment, but they make their Fortunes as they make their Wives, by Money. And truly, Madam, we have no great Occasion to boast that we have supplanted the Men of their Virtue, for we have got that from them which did them no Service, and which we must conceal, or else be laughed at for Shewing it. However, Madam, let us admire Virtue, which gives that inward Contentment, which all the Riches of the World cannot purchase.

Politica. I think, my dear Sophia, the Parents are as much the Cause of Celibacy as the Children, by breeding them above their Quality and Estates. I give myself for an Example. You know my Father was a Tradesman, and lived very well by his Traffick; and, I being beautiful, he thought Nature had already given me Part of my Portion, and therefore he would add a liberal Education, that I might be a compleat Gentlewoman; away he sent me to the Boarding-School, there I learned to dance and sing, to play on the Bass-Viol, Virginals, Spinnet and Guitair. I learned to make Wax-work, Japan, paint upon Glass, to raise Paste, make Sweet-meats, Sauces, and every thing that was genteel and fashionable. My Father died, and left me accomplished, as you find me, with three-hundred Pounds Portion; and, with all this, I am not able to buy an Husband. A Man, that has an Estate answerable to [Pg 10]my Breeding, wants a Portion answerable to his Estate; an honest Tradesman, that wants a Portion of three-hundred Pounds, has more Occasion of a Wife that understands Cookery and Housewifery, than one that understands Dancing, and Singing, and Making of Sweet-meats. The Portion, which Nature gave me, proves now my Detriment; my Beauty is an Obstacle to my Marriage; an honest Shop-keeper cannot keep a Wife to look upon. 'Beauty, say they, is like a Tavern Bush, it is hung out in the Face to shew what Commodity is to be sold;' it is but like an Honey-pot, which will fill a House with Bees and Wasps; and the poor Tradesman, that has such a Wife, will dream of nothing but Horns, as long as he has her; so that, Madam, I conclude, our Parents are great Causes of this Evil, in educating their Children beyond their Estates.

Sophia. But how would you order the Matter with one in my Circumstances? My Father, when I was born, was a Gentleman of a plentiful Estate, and gave me Education according to the Portion he designed me; but he, being a true Englishman, joined with the Duke of Monmouth in the Recovery of our Rights, which, he then thought, were in Danger; and, in that Enterprise, he lost his Life and Estate, and so I lost my Portion, and have nothing to subsist on, but the Charity of my good Aunt. I can marry nothing but a Gentleman, and very few, if any of them, are inclined to marry the poor Remains of an honourable and virtuous Family: What can I do?

Politica. Truly, my Dear, our Cases are both desperate; we cannot come up to good Estates, and Gentlemen of good Estates will not come down to us. I have often wondered, that there are no compulsive Laws inforcing Matrimony, but that, instead thereof, there are Laws discouraging of Marriage, as is the Act for Births and Burials, especially to the poorer Sort of People, who are generally the greatest Breeders; for, by this Act, when there is a certain Charge to a Family, there is a certain Duty to the Queen. Now, if there was a Law inforcing of Matrimony, it would more effectually answer the End of her Majesty's pious Proclamations for the Encouragement of Virtue, and for the Suppressing of all Manner of Immorality and Profaneness. For such a Law would put a Stop to Abundance of [Pg 11]Whoring; it would make the Women virtuous, on Purpose to get good Husbands, and the Men thrifty and diligent in their Callings, in order to maintain their Families. The Ruin both of Body, Soul, and Estate proceeds from this Omission in our Laws. I am sure, a Law of this Nature would not only be acceptable in the Sight of God, but it would be very advantageous to the Kingdom.

Sophia. I am very well satisfied in the Truth of what you say, but, at the same Time, I do not think a Law compulsive of Marriage reasonable in all Respects; there are a Sort of Monsters of Men, called Women-haters; these Brutes would be destroyed by this Act. Nature also has excluded, by its Deficiencies, some Men from the State of Matrimony; others are of such monstrous ill Humours, that they can match no where, but in the Nunnery of Billingsgate; therefore, Madam, if you get this Act passed, it must contain many Proviso's and Exceptions.

Politica. Not in the least; I would have it a genial compulsive Act, after this Manner: Every Batchelor, at the Age of twenty-four Years, should pay such a Tax to the Queen; suppose it twenty Shillings per Annum for the meanest Rank of Men, and what the Parliament thinks fit for those of higher Degree. Every Widower, which has been so upwards of one Year, and is under the Age of fifty Years, to pay the same Sum: Now, according to Computation, we have seven Millions of Men in England, and, suppose two Millions of the seven be Batchelors and Widowers, qualified as before, according to their several Ranks and Qualities taxed by Act of Parliament, they will pay into the Queen's Exchequer, yearly, the Sum of two Millions five-hundred thousand Pounds Sterling, which will be almost enough to defray the Charge of the War by Land and Sea.[Pg 12]

The Reasonabless of the Act is plain, for that unmarried People are, as it were, useless to the State; they are, like Drones in a Hive, reaping the Advantage of other People's Labours; they have their Liberties and Freedoms secured by the Loss of other Men's Lives, and do not, from their own Loins, repair the native Strength of the Kingdom; they are not so good as the Spider, which hangs in the Loom drawn from her own Bowels: On the other Hand, it is reasonable to ease such in Taxes, as have numerous Families to the Advantage of the Commonwealth; for these are at daily Charge in Breeding up their Issue for the Defence and Safety of the Kingdom.

Sophia. Your Notions are very good and proper; but how will you be able to put them into Practice? I hope you will not solicit this Bill yourself at the House of Commons; you ought to have some Way or other to communicate it to some particular Member, that he may bring it in, as his own, and get a good Reward for his Pains from the Court. Do not you remember, Mrs. Murray told us, the other Day, how her Husband was served about his Project of Exchequer Bills? They got it to themselves, and did not give the honest Gentleman one Groat for his Invention. Now, Madam, if you could make yourself a Portion by their Making an Act, you would do very well, you would serve yourself and your Country; but, if this Act passeth, I do not find, that you and I shall be the better for it, for the Men are still left to the Liberty of Chusing, and they will chuse for the best Portions; we are no nearer the Marriage-bed, than before. Pray think of some compulsive Act, that may inforce them to marry me and you.

Politica. It will be very difficult to get a particular Clause in our Favour, it will cost us, at least, our Maidenheads; and then, you know, we need not much trouble our Heads about Matrimony, we need not shut the Stable-door when the Steed is stolen. Pray, Madam, let me hear how you would have it for your own Advantage? It is now your Turn to propose.

Sophia. Nature has made all Things on a Level: Our first Father made no Jointure in Marriage, nor had our first Mother any Portion. Adam was Lord, and Eve was Mistress of the Universe; and we ought to tread in the Steps of our Lady Mother, and bring our Husband no more than what Nature hath given us. Settlements and Portions never came into Custom, till such Time as Murder and Rapine had entered the World, and Dowries were first brought into Fashion by the Posterity of Cain. The hellish Miser, which the other Day made so many Scruples about my Portion, Did you not observe the Mark of Cain in his Forehead? The Match-brokers look just like the wandering Jews in England, followed by the Curse of God into all Countries where they come.

Now, it is an easy Matter for the Parliament of England to bring Marriages on the same Level, as was designed at first by Nature. I will propose how: Suppose every Gentleman of one-thousand Pounds per Annum, was obliged to marry Gentlewomen of such Quality and Portion with ourselves, and, if he would not marry at all, his Estate should become forfeited to the Use of the Publick.

Politica. That would be hard, to take away all a Man has in the World, because he will not marry.

Sophia. We will then find a Medium: Suppose we build and endow them an Alms-house with their own Money, where every one of them shall have a convenient Apartment, with a Bed, and two Pair of Sheets, one Chair, one Candlestick, a Chamber-pot, and Fire-Place, and some other cheap Necessaries. We will allow them one Coat a Year, with a yellow Badge on the Arm, as the Mark of a Batchelor; and every Ten of them shall have one old Woman to wait upon them: They shall be chiefly fed with Water-gruel, and Barley-broth; and, instead of Meat, they shall eat Potatoes, Jerusalem Artichokes, Turnips, Carrots, and Parsnips; for you know they come into that Hospital, because they do not love Flesh.

Politica. Oh! fye Madam, fye upon you! that would use brisk young Gentlemen at such a cruel Rate: This is downright Tyranny.

Sophia. I am sorry to see you so tender of those, who are so cruel to our Sex: But here is no Cruelty at all in the Case; consider the Thing rightly, Madam, and you will find it otherwise: We esteem it the highest Charity to provide Alms-houses for the antient superannuated Poor, who are past their Labour; now a Man that is not come to his Labour of Generation, at twenty-five Years of Age, is certainly past it, and we ought to reckon him as superannuated, and grown an old Boy, and not fit to be trusted with what he has, as not knowing the Use and Benefit of Riches.[Pg 14]

What I say, in this Respect, is the common Practice of Mankind in Things of another Nature: The Husbandman, if he has got a Tree in his Orchard, that has grown a long Time, and has bore no Fruit, he cuts him down for Fuel, and plants another in his Room: Why may we not do the same by the human Batchelor Trees; especially, since they are grafted on so good Stocks, and are so well watered and pruned? That is a very ill Sort of Seed that will fructify in no Soil. It is the same Thing in Government; a Batchelor is a useless Thing in the State, does but cumber the Ground, and takes up the Room of a generous Plant, which would be of great Advantage to the Commonwealth. I tell you, Madam, according to the Laws of Nature and Reason, a Batchelor is a Minor, and ought to be under the Government of the Parish in which he lives; for, though he be a Housekeeper and for himself, as they call it, yet, having no Family, he cannot be reckoned a good Commonwealth's-Man; and, if he is not a good one, he is a bad one, which ought not to be suffered; nay, he is not a perfect Man till such Time as he is married, for it is the Woman is the Perfection of the Man.

Politica. Madam, I know you are endowed with true English Principles, pray consider, whether the Law you mention be not destructive of Magna Charta, since, without Cause or Offence, it deprives a Man of his Property, and takes from him the Estate which legally descended to him from his Ancestors.

Sophia. Madam, I find you hold me to hard Meat, I must give Reasons for the Passing of my Bill: I argue thus, A Person who has broken, and forfeited his Right to the Magna Charta of Nature, ought to have no Protection by the Magna Charta of Englishmen: I prove my Proportion thus, A Batchelor of Age, as such, has broken the Laws of Nature: Increase and Multiply is the Command of Nature, and of the God thereof; now, having broken the Laws of Nature, he ought not to have any Protection from the Laws of England, because such, as have Protection by those Laws, do contribute to the Support of those Laws, which an adult Batchelor does not do according to the Constitution of Magna Charta: Our Fore-fathers purchased the Liberties of Magna Charta, with the Hazard of Life and Limb; they sealed that Writing with the Blood of themselves and their Children, and, after the same Manner those Privileges were procured, must they be supported and maintained; now a Batchelor contributes little or nothing to the Support of our Freedoms; the Money he pays in Taxes is inconsiderable to the Supplies given by others in Children, which are an Addition to the native Strength of the Kingdom: Money is like the soft and easy Showers, which only cool and moisten the [Pg 15]Surface of the Earth; Children are like the soaking Rain which goes to the Root, and makes Trees and Vegetables fructify for the Use of Man: Indeed, my Dear, a Batchelor can, in no Sense, be esteemed a good Englishman.

From the Reasons aforesaid, I cannot think the Batchelors are injured by my Bill. Acts of Parliament ought not to respect private Interests; they are made for the Good of the Community, for the Advantage of the whole People of England, and you shall seldom find any Act passed, but what is to the Detriment of some particular Persons: We thought it no Injustice to prohibit the Importation of East-India Silks, notwithstanding the Detriment thereby accrued to that Company; and perhaps put all the Ladies in Court and City into the Murligrubs. These Things the good Parliament never considered, but passed the Bill in Favour of the Multitude of Weavers in this Kingdom, who get Abundance of Children for the Support of the Nation, and which must have starved, if foreign Commodities had been imported to the Destruction of the Weaving Trade. The Batchelors, that would come under this Statute, are but an inconsiderable Number, compared with the aggregate Sum of the whole Kingdom.

Politica. Suppose, Madam, your Reasons should weigh with the House of Commons: There is another Sort of Batchelors, that answer the End of their Creation, and yet are not married; I mean such as multiply their Species on Misses and Concubines, which, in plain English, are Whores: Nay, they can content themselves to do it with their female Servants, who serve under them for that Purpose; these will find a Way to creep out, if you do not bind your Act very close.

Sophia. That is well thought on, upon my Virginity! It is true, these are a dangerous Sort of Creatures; Concubinage and Whoring are grievous Sins, both in the Sight of God and Man; and the Divine Laws, as also the Laws of England, are very strict against such Offenders, and yet you see they do find Holes to creep through and escape Punishment; but the Law I propose will tie them fast: For, do but observe it, Madam, those Laws are best executed, that bring Money into the Exchequer; every one would be a Fisherman, if the Fishes came like St. Peter's, with Money [Pg 16]in their Mouths: I dare engage, I will sooner get a Warrant to search for prohibited uncustomed Goods, or to seize Brewer's Copper for Non-payment of Excise, than I can prepare a Warrant to search a Bawdy-house: Do but once make it appear, that Godliness is Gain, and I will warrant you a thorough Reformation of Manners. Now my Act does this Thing to a T; I make Men honest and virtuous, and, by doing so, I make the Government rich, and ease the Subjects in the Burden of Taxes. And I dare engage, if ever you see my Bill passed the Royal Assent, you will find it well executed.

Politica. That is according to the Honesty and Virtue of the Commissioners and Assessors, appointed for that Purpose; if they are not virtuous and honest, they may lessen your Tax, and cause a Deficiency. This has been the Effect of letting Landed-men assess Landed-men, and Tradesmen assess Stock; when, if a Tradesman had assessed Land, and a Landed-man had assessed Trade, being so very different in Interest, they would have raised the Fund to the Height. Therefore, my dear Sister, be cautious in this Point, take my Advice, I am your Senior; let no old Fornicator be an Assessor, Commissioner, or Collector of your Duty; he, that has in his Time loved a Bit of old Hat, will be tender in Punishing the Sin of his Youth; with him exclude all such as were Batchelors before the Passing of the Act; they will suffer, nay, contrive a Deficiency, that the Act may be repealed. In short, let none be concerned in the Assessing or Collecting of this Duty, but such as have many Years lived with their Wives in conjugal Chastity, and by them have a very numerous Issue; these, I will warrant you, will take Care to bring the utmost Penny into the Exchequer.—But, pray, how do you design to punish such of this Sort of Batchelors, that will not comply with your Act? I hope you will allow them a separate Maintenance; you will build them an Alms-house also, will you not?

Sophia. As the others are used like Fools and superannuated Persons, so we will use these like Madmen. We will build them a convenient Bedlam, wherein every one of them shall be chained about the Middle to a Post, like a Monkey; we will feed them with low Diet, as the others, and once a Month they shall be blooded and shaved. To aggravate their [Pg 17]Crime, we will make every one of them a Tantalus, by bringing every Day handsome Ladies before them, who shall laugh and jeer at them, and then turn their Backs upon them.

Politica. I protest, Madam, you are very cruel: Would you be willing to be served so yourself?

Sophia. Yes, Sister, when I refuse Matrimony upon good and equal Terms: Pray, do they not do the same by us? Are not we daily presented with the Sight of Batchelors of good Estates, who come to us under Pretence of lawful Courtship, to prosecute an unlawful Amour? They come to us like Butterflies to Flowers, to spit Maggots on us, and then leave us to be devoured by Infamy and Scandal: There is no Punishment bad enough for these Monsters of Men; I would fain have my Will upon them one Way or other; either by Marrying them all out of hand, or by Punishing them for Living single.

Politica. I do indeed think a Levelling of Marriages is the most reasonable Thing in the World; Mankind is on a Level in all Things but this; one Man has Wit and wants Money; another has Money and wants Wit; a third has Strength, and wants both Money and Wit; one is poor and contented with his Condition; another has no Peace of Mind, nor Satisfaction, amidst all his Riches, but is, amongst his Bags of Money, as a Person in Little Ease or Bridewell; so that Nature seems to have designed a Level, only we raise Mountains and Hills on Purpose to deface the Works of Nature. But, Sister, here's one Thing yet to be considered, that there are several young Gentlemen born to good Fortunes, who would marry me or you; but they are kept from it by the Advice of their Parents. Now, though I would have such punished as are unmarried with good Estates in their own Possession, yet would I have some Respect to those who would and cannot: There is Mr. ——, he often gives me Visits, he loves my Company, his Eyes talk of Love, which is more than his Tongue durst so much as mention; for he tells me, the Beldam his Mother, and the old Curmudgeon his Father, have made a Resolution, that he shall never marry but with a Woman of five-thousand Pounds Fortune: But, says he, if they die, I'll marry where I please: They may live a long Time, and, if I should stay for him, by [Pg 18]that Time, Beauty may have lost its Charm; and some younger Phillis, or other, may interpose and get the Prize from me. For Love, Madam, is the most fickle and changeable Thing in the World: My Wit will last as long as my Virtue, and both these are not lessened but improved by Age. But did you ever know a Man that loved a Woman for Virtue and Wit? No, there are other Attractives which make so great a Sound in the World, that they drown the low Voice of Virtue and Wit.

Sophia. I would have these old Folks, that hinder their Children from Matrimony, as severely punished as the old Bachelors: The fabulous Punishment of leading Apes in Hell is not enough; I would have them punished even in this Life. I pray God send them some such Distemper as the Pox; which, in this Life, is the Punishment of Adulterers and Whore-mongers; Nay, sometimes they are caught and pay dear enough for their Trifling with the Years of Youth, and not entering the Bounds of Matrimony, till the Time of their Doatage. I will tell you a very pretty and true Story:

A certain Doctor of Divinity of the University, aged about sixty Years, from the Profits of a good Benefice, and other comfortable Church Emoluments, together with a thrifty Life, had acquired an Estate of five-hundred Pounds per Annum; but the pious Churchman, being still desirous of a larger Share of the good Things of this Life, thought of Ways and Means of aggrandising his Fortune. No better Way could he think on than Marriage; for, he having lived a Batchelor, and, by his Industry, procured such an Estate, he thought his Spiritual and Temporal Endowments deserved a considerable Fortune. After he had made many Enquiries among his Friends and Acquaintance for a suitable Help-mate, called a Wife, with a sufficient Quantity of Money, he pitched upon a Justice of the Peace's Daughter, about ten Miles distant from his own Habitation. The young Gentlewoman was about sixteen Years of Age, and had ten-thousand Pounds Portion. Her Money made an Atonement for her Want of Years, for the Bags and the Girl were just old enough for the Doctor.

As soon as the Doctor had Intelligence of this young Lady, he pursues the Notion with all the Vehemence imaginable; and hereupon [Pg 19]one Day at Dinner he breaks Bulk to his Man John, and tells him of his Design of Wedding, and orders him to get his Horse ready the next Morning early, and likewise another for himself, to accompany him Part of the Way, which he accordingly did; and, after John had travelled with him about half Way, he was dismissed by the Doctor, who travelled on by himself till within a Mile of the Justice's House, where seeing an old Hedger in the Way, he asked him, If he knew Esquire—— He told him, Yes, he had Reason so to do, for he had been his Servant above thirty Years; and that he had married his Wife out of the Family, who was also an old Servant of the 'Squire's. Well then, says the Doctor, you must needs know his Daughter, Mrs. Anne. Yes, I think I do, says the Hedger, she's a fine young Gentlewoman, and my Master can give her a Power of Money: I will tell you what, Doctor, I understand Trap; I fancy you have a Mind to Mrs. Anne. Why, replies the Doctor, What if I have; what then? Why then, says the Hedger, my Master being a hugely rich Man, and my Mistress a young Woman, he may think you both too old, and not rich enough: And therefore, Doctor, if I might advise you, I would first have you see how you like the Girl; it is good to look before you leap. Which Way can I do that, quoth the Doctor? Oh, quoth the old Man, let me alone, I can contrive that well enough. Hereupon the Doctor gives him a Broad-piece, telling him, he found he could do him a Kindness; and that, if he did it, he should never want, for he had five-hundred Pounds a Year, besides Spiritual Preferments. Aye, says the old Man, I have often heard of you. I do not question but we shall bring the Matter about: My Master has a great Respect for the Church. Pray, Sir, go a little farther to my House, and I will give you a Cup of the best, and some good Bread and Cheese, and there we will consider farther of the Matter: I will warrant we will contrive the Business well enough.

With all my Heart, says the Doctor. Away goes the Doctor more freely than to Church, and the Hedger as if he were going to the Wedding. When they were come to the House, and eating the best it afforded; says the Countryman, Master Doctor, if I could get Mistress Anne to my House, Would [Pg 20]not that do well? Rarely well, quoth the Doctor, if you can but compass it: But does she ever come hither? Very often, says the old Man, to see her old Servants. But how will you contrive it? says the Doctor. Leave that to me, quoth the Hedger. Away goes the old Fellow, and enters into Discourse with his Wife; says he to her, I am minded to put a Trick upon the Doctor: The good Wife in a Passion replies, You S——, you old Fool, you put a Trick on a great Man of the Church: Hold your Tongue, Goody Simpleton, says the old Man; I find the great Doctors bred at the Versity have no more Wit than we Country Folk: Get you gone immediately to the 'Squire's, and take my Daughter Joan along with you, and pray Mrs. Anne to dress her in her best Cloaths, for there is a Gentleman at our House desires to see her in such a Habit. Now you must understand their Daughter Joan was about the same Age and Stature with Mrs. Anne, and had a great deal of Beauty, obscured by homely Country Weeds, and she had by Nature a pretty Stock of the Mother, Wit of the Knave her Father; away trudges the old Woman with Joan her Daughter: Her Request was no sooner asked but granted, and Joan was presently turned into a little Angel, by the Help of Mrs. Anne's Accoutrements. The Doctor, you may be sure, waited with much Impatience all this While; sometimes in Hopes, and other times in Despair. But the Hedger, standing with his Face towards the Way, at length espies his Wife and Mrs. Anne (for that must be the Name of Joan at present) coming towards the House; the old Man begs Leave of the Doctor to go and meet Mrs. Anne, and conduct her to the House, which he did presently, by running cross a Field; he made abundance of Scrapes and Cringes to Madam Anne, with his Hat in his Hand, and then, stepping behind her like a Footman, he followed her Home all the Way, instructing her how to manage herself in this weighty Concern.[Pg 21]

When they came to the House the Doctor receives her with abundance of Ceremony; the Countryman also made some rustick Bows and Compliments, and tells her, it was a great Favour in her Ladiship to come in a Visit to her poor old Servants, and humbly intreats the Favour of her to sit down; for, though the Gentleman present was a Stranger to her Ladiship, he was a Person of Quality, a learned and rich Doctor of the Church, who, in Humility, peculiar to the Clergy, had vouchsafed to give so poor a Man as he a Visit. With much Coyness Madam Anne sits down, and, having made a Bow from her Seat to the Doctor, she asked her old Servants, how they did. The Doctor being smitten with the visible Part of Mrs. Anne's Portion, and ruminating on the invisible; the old Man thought it was Time to retire, which he did, by leaving a Scrape or two on the earthen Floor with his Foot.

The Doctor had now what he came for, and to Work he goes; he had forgot Thomas Aquinas, Dunce Scotus, and other unintelligible cramp Authors. Philosophy signifies nothing in an Amour, and Logick of itself is enough to curdle a Virgin's Milk; therefore the Doctor accosted her with all the soft Expressions he could remember in Ovid de Arte Amandi, which, the Learned say, is the only Way to know how to resolve the difficult Questions in Aristotle's Problems; and, the Girl having Heat of Beauty enough at that Age to warm a Stoick, by the vehement Attraction thereof the Doctor joined Countenances; but never did a poor young Lady receive Kisses after a more modest and coy Manner; and well might she blush at such an Exercise; for the poor Creature never smelt Man before, and it was the first Time that ever she saw the Doctor.

After the Doctor and Mrs. Anne had been above an Hour together, in steps the old Man; the Girl she modestly retires, as well for Instruction as to give an Account of how Things went; in the mean Time, the old Man asks the Doctor how he liked the Lady, and what Encouragement she gave him? The Doctor, being ravished with the visible and invisible Qualifications of Mrs. Anne, expressed abundance of Satisfaction, and how happy a Man he should be if he could obtain his Prize. Says the old Man, At her again, Mr. Doctor, she is a brave good-humoured Lady, and I told her sufficiently what you are: Says the Doctor, Prithee canst not thou get us something good to eat and drink; here's Money, if thou canst. Away goes the old Man, but first got Mrs. Anne into the Room with the Doctor, which was done with many Intreaties, and performed with a wonderful Modesty.

We will leave the Doctor and Mrs. Anne [Pg 22]hard at Work on the Anvil of Courtships, whilst the old Woman and her Husband are getting Supper ready, which they were so long about, that it grew late, and Mrs. Anne was just going: The Doctor, you may be sure, intreated her to stay, and the old Man and Woman solicited very hard on the same Account, telling the Lady, that they had nothing worthy of her Acceptance, but the Honour she would do them, now they had a great Doctor of the Church at their House, would be very great. In short, they argued so much, that Mrs. Anne was at length prevailed upon to stay; the old Man whispers the Doctor, that he had kept Supper back on Purpose that he might have the more of the young Lady's Company, and therefore advised him to make the best Use of his Time. Certainly, never any young Lady made her Lover so happy at the first Interview; to Work goes the Doctor, he courts like a Dragon; with an irresistible Fury he lets fly whole Vollies of bombaste Rhetorick at her Head, enough to beat a poor Country Girl's Brains out; no Stone did he leave unturned, but persists in his Courtship, till interrupted by the old Man's Bringing in the Supper, which, we may imagine, could not be less than a couple of Cocks with Bacon, and it is well, if the Fowls did not come out of the Squire's Coop, as well as the Cloaths out of his Daughter's Wardrobe.

Down sits the Doctor, having first placed Mrs. Anne at the upper End of the Table, and, having said a short Grace, he desired the old Couple to sit down, as did also Mrs. Anne; but they refused it, saying, They should not be so impudent as to set at Table Chick by Chowle with a great Doctor of the Church, and their Mrs. Anne, who agreed with the Doctor to make them both sit down, which at last they did, in Conformity to the Church and their Mistress; and so they all fell heartily to Pecking till they had consumed the whole Provision.

Supper being over, the old Man asks his Wife in the next Room, what Time of Night it was; the old Woman replied, it was past Eight of the Clock; at which, the old Man fell into a violent Passion, and scolded horribly at his Wife, for not taking Notice how the Time went away. The Doctor, hearing this Combustion, comes to know the Meaning of it: The old Man tells him, he is undone for [Pg 23]ever; he has kept Mrs. Anne here so late that she is locked out of Doors, her Family being always in Bed by Eight of the Clock, and that, on this Account, the 'Squire will turn him out of his Service, by which he got his Livelihood. The Doctor pacifies him, by telling him, that, since this Thing must happen on his Account, he nor his Wife should never want as long as he lived. Well, says the old Man, Mr. Doctor, since you are such a charitable Man, I will put you in a Way to do your Business at once; if you should apply yourself to the 'Squire, he will hardly be brought to Terms; for, though you have a good Estate, yet I know the 'Squire will marry my Mistress to a young Man; and seeing you have now a fair Opportunity, having the Night before you, try to get her Consent, and take her away with you by Three or Four in the Morning to some Parson of your Acquaintance, and marry her: My Master will be soon reconciled, for he has no other Child to inherit his Estate. A good Thought, says the Doctor, and I will try what can be done in the Case.

You may be sure, Madam, now the Doctor attacks the Lady with all the Fury imaginable; the Silence of the Night and Want of Sleep, as I have heard those skilled in Love Affairs say, are great Advantages to an invading Lover; these are the best Times in which to storm a Lady's Fortress: This, I suppose, the Doctor well enough knew, and therefore carried on the Siege with Vigour, and, before Three in the Morning, the young Lady had capitulated, and surrendered upon Articles; which the Doctor tells the old Man of with abundance of Pleasure, who, you may be sure, bids the Doctor Joy: The Doctor desires the old Man to get him a Pillion, which, indeed, the old Man had before provided; and away goes the Doctor and his Lady, and were that Day married.

The Doctor did not stay long at the Place of Marriage, but privately returns to his own House, where he acquainted some of his Friends of his Enterprise, who highly applauded his Ingenuity; but he enjoined them all to Secrecy for some Time. The Doctor daily expected a Hue and Cry after Mrs. Anne; but, hearing nothing of it, he concluded the Servants had some how or other concealed the Story from her Father; but his Friends advised him by all Means to go to the Justice, and acquaint him with what he had done with his Daughter, and beg his Pardon for so doing, as a Means of Reconciliation. [Pg 24]

The Doctor understanding the Justices of the Peace were to meet that Day about some particular Business in the Town; he went to enquire for the Justice, whom he only knew by Sight, and the Justice had no other Knowledge of the Doctor. The Doctor, in his best Pontificalibus's, comes to the Place of Meeting, which was an Inn, and asks the Drawer, whether Esquire —— was there; who answered, he was: He bids him shew him a Room, and go tell the Esquire, that Doctor —— desired to speak with him; the Esquire desires the Doctor to come to him and the rest of the Gentlemen, they having at that Juncture no Business before them; but the Doctor sends Word again that his Business was private, and he heartily intreated the Esquire to come to him, upon which the Esquire comes: The Doctor he falls on his Knees, and begs his Pardon; the Esquire was surprised, as knowing nothing of the Matter, and, being unwilling to be homaged by the Church, he desires the Doctor to rise, or otherwise he would talk no farther with him; the Doctor refused to do it till such Time as he had his Pardon: The Esquire, knowing of no Offence, freely gave him a Pardon; which done, the Doctor arises, telling him, he was sorry that one in his Coat should be guilty of such a Crime: The Esquire, being still in the Dark, replied, he knew no Crime he was guilty of: Sir, says the Doctor, I have married your Daughter: Married my Daughter, says the Esquire, you are certainly mistaken, Doctor. It is certainly true, says the Doctor. Says the Esquire in a great Passion, How long have you been married to my Daughter? I have lain with her these three Nights, says the Doctor: Says the Esquire, you are strangely mistaken, Doctor, for I left my Daughter at Home this Morning. Says the Doctor, you are strangely imposed upon by your Servants, therefore be so kind as to go to my House and see your Daughter, who is there at this present. The Esquire, in an odd Sort of Confusion, goes along with him to the House, and, being conducted into the Parlour where Madam sat in State on her Couch, the Esquire burst out into a Fit of Laughter, and, going to the Lady, salutes her, and wishes her much Joy, and then told [Pg 25]the Doctor the Mistake; for, says he, this Lady is my Servant —— the Hedger's Daughter Joan, dressed in my Daughter's Cloaths. The Doctor, being astonished for some Time, recovers himself, comes up to her, takes her in his Arms, and, kissing her, says, If thou art Joan, I will love thee as well as if thou hadst been Mrs. Anne. And, for aught I know, she made him as good a Wife; for, though she perfectly kidnapped the old Child, yet they lived very comfortably together.

Politica. I can nick your Story with one of a Clergyman, that was as indifferent about a Portion as yours was curious. Mr. G——, a Minister in Suffolk, and of a considerable Estate, lived without Thoughts of Marriage, till the Age of fifty Years; at which Time one of his Parishioners put him in Thoughts of Matrimony. He said he had been so intent on his Studies, that he never thought of a Wife; but that now, if he could find out a good one, he would marry. The Gentleman told him, such a Person about twelve Miles off had three Daughters, either of which would make him a good Wife, but their Fortunes were but small; the Parson said, he knew the Gentleman very well, but did not know he had any Daughters; and, as for Money, that was a Thing he did not value. The Parson in a short Time gives the Gentleman a Visit, who made him very welcome, not knowing the Design of his Coming; but the Parson told him, that he heard he had three Daughters, and one of them would make him a good Wife. The Gentleman replied, he had three Daughters, and that he hoped they would prove to the Satisfaction of any Person who should marry them, and told him either of them was at his Service: The Parson said, they were all alike to him; but, since it was usual to marry the Eldest first, he would take her; the Gentleman replied with all his Heart. Upon which the eldest Daughter was called in. The Parson, sitting in his Chair, and smoaking his Pipe, told her, he had heard she would make him a good Wife: The young Lady, surprised, told him, she did not know that, but did believe she should be a good Wife to any one that should marry her. The Parson put the grand Question, Whether she would have him? She told him, Matrimony was a Thing of that Moment, as required a great deal of Consideration, and not to be so speedily determined. He told her, his Studies would not allow him a long Courtship; and, pulling out his Watch, laid it on the Table, and told her, he would give her an Hour's Time to consider of it. Away goes the Girl, but, believing it to be a Banter, she thought very little on that Subject; the Parson having looked on his Watch, and finding the Hour was gone, he desired the young Lady might be again called in: When she came, the Parson shewed her the Watch, telling her the Hour was past, and that he hoped she had considered of what he had spoke to her about; she told him, that, it being a Matter of such great Consequence, it required a much longer Time than he had set for that Purpose: The Parson hereupon began to fret, and told her further, He found she would not have him, and therefore he desired his Horse to be brought out, for he would be going Homewards. The Gentleman pressed him to continue longer; withall, telling him, though the Eldest required so much Time for Consideration, perhaps the Second might not.

The Parson was hereby prevailed upon to smoak another Pipe, and the Second Daughter was brought in, to whom he carried himself as to the former, and also allowed her an Hour's Time to consider of it. You may be sure, during this Time, the Father and Mother worked the Girl to say, Yes, as plain as if she had been in the Church: The Time being elapsed, the Parson was impatient to go Home, Wife or no Wife, he was so indifferent. The Girl was now called in, and the Parson asked her, Whether she had considered of the Matter? She answered, Yes. Then will you have me? She answers, Yes. Very well then, says the Parson to the Father, all is done but Matrimony; and when shall that be? When you please, says the Father. Then, says the Parson, let it be on Tuesday next. But, says the Father, who shall get the Licence? I will take Care of that, says the Parson; and so, taking Leave of the Father, away he goes. When he had gone about three or four Miles, and thinking of the Licence, he remembered he had not taken his Wife's Christian Name, and so he rode back again as hard as he could drive, and, riding up to the House, he found the eldest Daughter standing at the Door, so he asked her what was her Christian Name? She told him; he bid her a Good-Night, and away he goes.

The Day being come, and the Licence being got ready, the Parson comes to fetch his Wife; away goes the Father with him, and his three Daughters, and two or three other Relations, to the Church, where the Parson and Clerk were ready to make Matrimonial Execution: The Parson asked the Father and Parson G——, which of the Daughters was to be married; they answered the second Daughter; but the Parson told them the first Daughter's Name was in the Licence, and therefore he could not marry them till they had got another Licence. Parson G—— told them, he could not defer it any longer, and therefore he would be dispatched somehow or other, and told them it was all one to him which of them he had, and so he goes to the Eldest, and asks her whether she would have him? And she, having better considered of the Point, answered Yes, and so they were married.

From Church they went Home to her Father's House, where, having dined, he tells his Wife she must put up such Things as she designed to carry Home with her, for he would quickly be going Homewards: The Relations begged of him to stay all Night, and bed his Wife at her Father's House, it being the usual Custom so to do; he told them, he would lie no where but at his own House, and that he would be going presently. The Relations finding no Arguments would prevail upon him to tarry, they got Mrs. Bride ready; and the Parson, coming to the Door, espied several Horses ready saddled and bridled; he asked, what the Meaning of those Horses Was? They told him, for some of his Wife's Relations, to accompany him Home; he said, no Body should go along with him but his Wife; and so they were forced to stable their Horses, and let the married Couple go Home by themselves.

When they came Home, he conducted her into the House, and saluted her, which was the first Time; and, after he had bid her Welcome, and they had sat about Half an Hour, the Parson calls the old Maid, and bids her bring the Spinning wheel, and told his Wife, he did not doubt but she was a good Housewife, and knew how to make Use of that Instrument: She told him, Yes; then he tells her, he did expect she would work while he was at Work, and no longer; so away goes he to his [Pg 27]Study, and Mrs. Bride to Working with the Whirling-engine; about an Hour after he comes down and tells her, now she must leave Work, and bids the old Maid get Supper ready. After they had supped, he goes into his Study, and she to her Spinning-wheel; when he returns again from his Study, he tells her, now she must leave Work; after a short Discourse, he went to Prayers with the Family, and then orders the old Maid to light her Mistress up Stairs, and put her to Bed.

Away goes Madam Bride to Bed, without any Ceremony of eating Sack-posset, or throwing the Stocking; and, as soon as she was in Bed, in comes the Parson, and to Bed goes he; but, sitting up in it, he bids the Maid bring him the little Table, a great Candle, and such a Book from the Study, which she did, and the Parson went to his Reading; upon which, the Bride calls to the Maid: The Parson asked her, what she wanted? She told him, Something: The Maid coming, he bid her speak to her Mistress, who bids her bring up the Spinning-wheel, and a great Candle in the long Candlestick, which the Maid having done, Mrs. Bride went to Whirling it about as hard as ever she could drive; at which the Parson could hardly forbear Bursting out into Laughter, and, finding that Spinning and Reading did not agree well together, he put out his Candle, and laid him down in Bed like a good Husband.

The next Morning he told her, that he found her a Wife of a suitable Temper to himself, and that, for the Future, she might work or play when she pleased; that he left all his temporal Concerns to her Management, and they lived a very happy Couple together, till Death parted them.

This, Madam, is indeed a very comical Story; however, the young Woman got a good Husband by the Bargain: Humours are indeed very uneasy Companions, but the whole Course of human Life is attended with Mixtures of Pleasure and Pain, and it is but common Prudence for us to overlook a few Impertinences, rather than lose the most necessary Comforts of Life. We have all of us our Whims and Humours in Relation to Matrimony; sometimes they abound in the Parents, and sometimes in the Children, sometimes in the Husband, sometimes in the Wife; for my Part I do not know who is clear of them. [Pg 28]We are now fallen into the Humour of telling Stories under this green Bower, as if we were in a Chimney-corner at Christmas, which is a Sort of Impertinence, pardonable in those who have Nothing to do but pass away their Time in Tattle, and Reading of Books; however, it is more commendable than to gossip, as the London Ladies do, over Sack and Walnuts, cool Tankards, and cold Tea, and all the Time rail at their Husbands for being at the Tavern; I will propagate the Humour we are fallen into, by telling you a true Story of a miserly old Humourist.

A certain Country Gentleman of about one-thousand Pounds per Annum, having buried his Wife and all his Children, took a Brother's Son into the House, as his Heir, and gave him the best Education that Country would afford; the Boy being a Youth of clean Parts, and good Ingenuity, he improved to an extraordinary Degree in so barren a Soil, and so very dutiful withal, that the old Man perfectly doated on him, and was uneasy when he was out of his Company. When he came to Years of Maturity, was grown ripe, and ready to be shaken into the Matrimonial Bed, the old Gentleman asked him, Whether he was inclined to marry? The young Man, with an unwilling Modesty, told him, what he pleased; he wholly referred that, and every Thing else relating to himself, to his Care, thinking himself always happy and safe under his Conduct. Says the old Cuff, Thou hast been a very dutiful Child to me, and therefore, says he, I am willing to please thee: Shall I look thee out a Wife? The young Man (who without Doubt would have been better pleased to have looked out a Wife for himself) answered, With all his Heart.

The old Gentleman looks out accordingly, and, being well known in the Country, was not long in Pursuit of a Wife for his Nephew, which happened to be a Gentleman's Daughter about ten Miles distant from his own Habitation: The two old People discoursed the Matter, and came to this Resolution, That the two young ones should have an Interview, and see how they liked one another. Home comes the old Man, and acquainted his Nephew that he had pitched upon a Wife for him, one of Mr. ——'s Daughters, who were all of them virtuous young Women, and every Way suitable to his Quality and Circumstances; [Pg 29]although their Portions were but small, their Father having met with many Misfortunes, yet the Virtues inherent in them rendered them equal to himself. The young Man returned him Abundance of Thanks, and did not, in the least, question the Prudence of his Choice.

Now was the young Man to have an Interview with Mrs. Bride elect, and his Uncle retired into Consultation with himself, how to equip his Nephew for that Enterprise; at first, he determined to send to London to have him a new Suit of Cloaths made, that he might appear like a Courtier; but, upon second Thoughts, and to save his Money, he told him, he could better provide for him at Home; for, says he, you are just of my Size, and I have above Stairs, in the Press, all my Wedding-cloaths, which were the best I could lay my Hands on, both for the Fineness of the Cloth, and the Silk Lining: I am sure they are so good, that I never wore them above four or five Times in all my Life, and they are never the worse for Wearing: I will assure thee, if I had not a great Respect for thee, thou shouldest never have them: What sayest thou, Child, wilt thou try them on? With all my Heart, replied the young Spark; up goes the old Man and brings them down, he puts them on, and they fitted exactly. The Coat-sleeves were gloriously cut and slashed, small Buttons on the Coat, a little bigger than Pease; the Pockets about a Handful below the Knees, the Breeches were open-kneed, a great Deal wider than a Flanderkin's Trousers, hung all around with Abundance of little Ribbons; the old Gentleman asked him how he liked them? Very well, Sir, replies the Spark. Now, says the old Man, for a Hat; I have a special Beaver I bought along with these Cloaths, which he also produced; it had a Crown as high, and in Form of a Sugar-loaf, with Brims as broad as a Tea-table; the young Gentleman thanked him heartily for it also. Now, says the old Cuff, there is Nothing wanting but a Pair of Boots, which I have by me, and which being brought, the young Spark tried them on, and they fitted exactly; they were of a Russet Colour with white Tops: Pray, says the old Man, take great Care of these Boots, it is wet Weather and may spoil them, therefore I would advise thee to twist some Hay-bands about them for their Security, and, when you come near the House, pull them [Pg 30]off, and then they will be neat and clean as they were at my Wedding: But one Thing I had almost forgot, Hast thou got any Money? Not one Penny, replied the Spark; Well thought on, says his Uncle, Courtship is chargeable, here is Half a Crown, pray make good Use of it. The young Gentleman, thus equipped, looked like one of Queen Elisabeth's Courtiers come from the Dead, or, like Snow on the Grass and Trees about Midsummer; but what would one not undergo for a good Wife or Husband?

The young Man gets up early the next Morning, and having resumed his former Accoutrements, and mounting on the Outside of his Uncle's best Palfrey, away he trots in Pursuit of his Lady; you may be sure the People gazed, and the Dogs barked sufficiently on the Road at this human Scarecrow on Horseback; but the Worst of it was, as he came within Bow-shot of his Mistress's Tabernacle, the young Lady was looking out at the Window, and espying such a Figure, she called her other two Sisters, and told them that Merry Andrew was coming, which put them into a great Fit of Laughter, till, approaching nearer, one of them cries out, It is Mr. ——'s Nephew, and, knowing his Business, they sent a Man to take his Horse, and their Father and Mother received him very genteelly at the Door, and ushered him into the House.

But, as if Fate had ordained that the poor Spark should be exposed in his antiquated Habiliments, it so happened that Day there was an Invitation of Gentlemen and Ladies to Dinner at the House; when Dinner was ready and set on the Table, the young Spark was conducted from another Room to the rest of the Guests; no sooner had he set his Foot on the Threshold, but the Eyes of the whole Company were upon him; one sneared, another tittered, a third laughed outright, no Body knowing the Meaning of this odd Dress; so that indeed he was the Scaramouch of the Company, but by that Time they had feasted their Eyes on him, and filled their Stomachs with the Victuals, they found the Spark was very modest and ingenious, and that his good Humour and Eloquence was more agreeable to their Ears and Minds, than his Habit to their Eyes; and, by his Ogling one of the Ladies more than the rest, they guessed at his Design; and being unwilling to cramp Love in its Embryo, after Dinner they all withdrew, and left that Lady and the Spark together.[Pg 31]

The Spark immediately takes the Opportunity to apologise for his Garb, and told her how necessary it was for him to please his Uncle's Humour in the Thing, which, though it made him ridiculous to the Company, he hoped would not lessen her Esteem of his Person: The young Lady (who knew she was to marry the Man, and not the Cloaths) told him, it was not the Garb she looked at, but she had more Respect to his other Accomplishments; and at this Rate they went on in Discourse of Love and Matrimony for about two Hours.

The Lady then thinking it uncivil any longer to withdraw herself, or detain the Gentleman from the rest of the Company, she desired him to go into the next Apartment, and take a Game at Cards with the young Ladies; the Spark, knowing the Weakness of his Pocket, desired heartily to be excused, but, being pressed by one he could in no wise refuse, he was at last forced to give her the grand Argument, by making known to her his Job's Condition; she, understanding the Humour of his Uncle, guessed the Money might as well be wanting as new Cloaths, and she desired his Patience for a Minute or two, whilst she stepped out about a little Business, which she did, and returns presently with a Purse of five Pounds, desiring him to make Use of it. Upon which he waits upon her into the next Room, where he played at Cards with the rest of the Company, sometimes won, sometimes lost, but always pleased the Company to Admiration, so that they all thought his Mistress extremely happy in having so ingenious and good-humoured a Lover, though in an antiquated Dress.

To make short of my Story, he tarried with his Lady a full Fortnight, and in that Time got her Consent, and the Consent of her Parents, and returns Home to his Uncle with this joyful News, which extremely pleased the old Gentleman; but he took Care to tell the old Man, that, according to his own Words, he had found indeed that Courtship was chargeable, for that he had spent Eighteen-pence of the Half-crown he gave him, and, putting his Hand in his Pocket, he gave his Uncle the remaining Shilling. Well, Child, says the Uncle, I commend thy Prudence and Frugality, I find thou art to be trusted with Money and any Thing else, and therefore I will settle [Pg 32]Five hundred a Year upon thee in Marriage; and giving him a good Sum of Money to buy him such Wedding-cloaths as he should best like, the Marriage was soon after solemnised to the Satisfaction both of Old and Young; they were a happy Pair, and the old Man, dying some Years after, left them the Remainder of his Estate, which made an Addition to their Happiness.

Politica. Truly, Madam, the young Gentleman was enough ingenious; had he been cross, and not pleased his Uncle's Humours, he would have been disinherited, though I must confess, it is hard to render ourselves ridiculous to a Degree of Folly, to please an old Humourist. But what is not sinful can never be shameful, and how unpleasant soever our Actions are in the Sight of Men, if they are otherwise in the Sight of God, it is no Matter: A good Estate and Virtue make a Man beautiful in any Garb. I believe I could conform myself to the Humours of the greatest Caprichio, were I afterwards to be as happy as the young Lady you have mentioned; we must all of us suffer some Way or other in our Pupillage: The Apprentice serves out his Time with Chearfulness, in Expectation of being his own Man at the seven Years End. Future Ease is a great Encouragement to present Labour. But I know many young Men and Women are ruined by the unaccountable Humours of their Parents and Governors, and take such wicked Courses, that they are seldom or never reclaimed, especially Women, who have once broken through the Bounds of Chastity. It is a common Proverb amongst the Men, that, Once a Whore and always a Whore. Though I have known this Proverb crossed; and, to level and make our Stories even as we would do Marriages, I shall give you an Account after what Manner:

A Country Gentleman, who was a Justice of the Peace in the County of R——, not having been in London in his Life, or at least, not for a long Time, being in Conversation with some of his Friends, heard them speak of the Practice of lewd Women, in picking Men up in the Streets. The Gentleman, being a Stranger to this abominable Practice, could not believe any Women could be so impudent, as they reported them to be; but they told him, he might experience the Contrary any Evening when he pleased. The Gentleman [Pg 33]was resolved to make the Experiment, and one Evening in Fleetstreet he takes Notice of a very pretty Gentlewoman, which eyed him very narrowly, whereupon he asked her to drink a Glass of Wine; she agreed at the first Word, and went with him to the next Tavern.

When the Gentleman and his Doxy were seated in a Room, and had some Wine brought them, they drank very civilly one to the other; but Miss expected to be attacked, after another Sort of Manner than she found by the Gentleman: For he asked her, how long she had continued that Trade; she told him, as they all do, but a very short Time; then he continues, how can you dare to live in Rebellion both against the Laws of God and Man, and impudently pursue Methods to destroy both your Body, and your immortal Soul? In short, he read her such a Lecture, that she, not being hardened in Sin as are the Generality of those Miscreants, burst out into a Flood of Tears, and told him, that it was not without a wonderful Remorse of Conscience she followed that wicked Course of Life, and protested to him, that it was pure Necessity obliged her to it, for otherwise she could not get a Subsistence. The Gentleman asked her further, How she came first to be debauched? She told him her Father was a Country Gentleman, who had extravagantly spent a plentiful Estate, and then dying, left her to the wide World unprovided for: She thought London was the best Place to get her a Livelihood in, and thither she came, but very unfortunately fell into the Hands of a lewd Woman, who betrayed her to the Lust of a Gentleman, who was no more than once concerned with her, and then advised her to ply the Streets; and, that he himself was the first Person that ever had picked her up.

The Gentleman told her, it was hard to believe Persons who had been guilty of such heinous Crimes, and very heartily admonished her to forsake her evil Practices, to repent of what she had already done, and to amend her Life for the Future; she gave him many Thanks for his good Advice, and told him, she should think herself a very happy Person, if either he, or any one else, would put her in a Way to live otherwise; he told her, if she would resolve to amend for the Future, he would take Care to provide for her; she promised him, with all the Asseverations imaginable, that she would: Whereupon he told her, [Pg 34]that she should meet him the next Day at a certain Time and Place; she coming according to Appointment, he put her into a Lodging he had provided, and being well assured of her Repentance and Sincerity, and finding her an accomplished Gentlewoman, soon after married her; and she made him a chaste and happy Wife, and he lived as happily with her, as if she had been possessed of a Portion of Thousands of Pounds.

Sophia. If I had here a Bottle of Wine, I would drink that Gentleman's Health; he, under God, saved the Body and Soul of that poor Creature, and made a Saint, by taking a Sinner to his Bed. I cannot chuse but reflect on our Discourse, how naturally we have fallen from the Discourse of Matrimony, to Love Stories; we have talked away the Time, as Children cry themselves asleep. But we must be gone, the Sun is just down, and we shall be wanted at Supper.

Harleian Miscellany:

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