AMERICANS

Enthusiastic Young Miss: TO THINK OF YOUR BEING A REAL LITERARY MAN! I DO SO LONG TO KNOW HOW YOU WRITE THINGS. CANT YOU EXPLAIN IT?

Venerable Hack: IT IS THE SIMPLEST THING. YOU HAVE A MIND SUITABLY PREPARED. YOU GET AN IDEA. THE IDEA BEING INTRODUCED INTO THE MIND CAUSES FERMENTATION, DURING WHICH A SCUM RISES TO THE TOP AND IS CAREFULLY REMOVED, LEAVING A RESIDUE OF CLEAR THOUGHT. THIS YOU BOTTLE UP FOR YOUR OWN USE. THE SCUM YOU SELL TO A PUBLISHER.

He: YES, DEAREST, I HAVE LOVED BEFORE WE MET; BUT LET US NOT DIG UP THE PAST.

“OH, ALL RIGHT, THEN; IF YOU DON’T WANT TO DIG UP THE PAST, WHY, LET’S NOT DIG UP THE FUTURE EITHER.”

“MIND HIS KISSING YOU? NO, NOT IF YOU DON’T. IT SHOWS AFFECTION, AS ONE’S NEPHEWS SHOULD BE AFFECTIONATE. BUT IF I WERE DISPOSED TO BE CRITICAL, I SHOULD SAY THAT GROWN-UP NEPHEWS WHO KISS THEIR AUNTS BY MARRIAGE SHOULD KISS THEM SOMEWHAT MORE DEFERENTIALLY AND PERFUNCTORILY—MORE LIKE A TIMID FLY WHO APPROACHES A PIECE OF ROCK-CANDY, AND NOT QUITE SO MUCH LIKE A HUNGRY ORPHAN TURNED LOOSE IN A BAKE-SHOP. I’D TELL HIS MOTHER, AMELIA, IF I WERE YOU. HE NEEDS TRAINING.”

“I SEE THE GOVERNOR COMMENDS WAR AS A MEANS OF KEEPING ALIVE ‘THE GREAT FIGHTING VIRTUES,’ AND, OF COURSE, WAR is A GOOD THING WHILE IT LASTS. BUT, AFTER ALL, CHARLES, DO YOU FEEL THAT WAR IS TRULY PROFITABLE? AS FOR ME, UNATHLETIC AS I AM, AND NEAR-SIGHTED, I COULD HARDLY DO EXCELLENT WORK IN WAR. I MIGHT BRAIN A CHILD OR TWO, AND MAYBE SHOOT SOME WOMEN, BUT I OWN I DON’T FIND THE IDEA WHOLLY ENGAGING, AND IN THE SPRING MONTHS I CAN HARDEN MY HEART MORE AGREEABLY BY RIDING A BICYCLE IN THE AFTERNOON DOWN FIFTH AVENUE. IT’S A GOOD HAZARD ALL THE WAY, AND THERE’S THIS ADVANTAGE ABOUT IT, THAT YOU DON’T CATCH FEVERS, AND, IF YOU’RE NOT KILLED, YOU HAVE YOUR HEALTH.”

“ISN’T YOUR MOTHER WORRIED BY CAPTAIN SHORTHOUSE’S ATTENTIONS TO YOU?”

“OH, NO; SINCE I GAVE JACK HIS FREEDOM AFTER THE HIDE TRUST SLUMP, MAMMA SAYS I’M A REAL MOTHER MYSELF, AND NOW SHE NEVER WORRIES.”

Mrs. Dimpleton: I AM GOING TO SEE THE DOCTOR TO-DAY, AND I KNOW HE WILL INSIST UPON MY GOING ABROAD THIS SUMMER.

Dimpleton: NO, HE WONT. I MET HIM YESTERDAY AND TOLD HIM IF HE SENT YOU ABROAD I COULDN’T PAY HIS BILL.

TO ONE PIECE OF DARK PIAZZA ADD A LITTLE MOONLIGHT—TAKE FOR GRANTED TWO PEOPLE. PRESS IN TWO STRONG ONES A SMALL, SOFT HAND. SIFT LIGHTLY TWO OUNCES OF ATTRACTION, ONE OF ROMANCE; ADD A LARGE MEASURE OF FOLLY; STIR IN A FLOATING RUFFLE AND ONE OR TWO WHISPERS. DISSOLVE HALF A DOZEN GLANCES IN A WELL OF SILENCE; DUST IN A SMALL QUANTITY OF HESITATION, ONE OUNCE OF RESISTANCE, TWO OF YIELDING; PLACE THE KISSES ON A FLUSHED CHEEK OR TWO LIPS; FLAVOR WITH A SLIGHT SCREAM, AND SET ASIDE TO COOL. THIS WILL SUCCEED IN ANY CLIMATE, IF DIRECTIONS ARE CAREFULLY FOLLOWED.

Daughter (home from a seminary): WE NO SOONER LEARN A LITTLE ABOUT ONE SUBJECT. MAMMA. THAN WE STOP AND TURN TO ANOTHER.

“YOU MUST REMEMBER, DEAR, THAT I AM FITTING YOU TO ENTER SOCIETY.”

Charles (loquitur): IT IS QUITE TRUE, FATHER, AS YOU SAY, THAT OUR RELIGIOUS DUTIES ARE OF SIGNAL MOMENT. BUT THEY ARE OFTEN PERPLEXING, AND SOME OF THEM OFTEN SEEM TO ME TO CONFLICT WITH OTHERS. PERHAPS YOU AND I COULD COVER THE GROUND BETTER IF WE USED SOME JUDICIOUS PLAN OF CO-OPERATION. SUPPOSE, FOR EXAMPLE, THAT YOU OBEY THE INJUNCTION “GIVE TO HIM THAT ASKETH,” AND LEAVE ME TO SUPPLEMENT YOUR EFFORTS BY TAKING NO THOUGHT FOR THE MORROW.

Mrs. Henrypeck: YOU HAVE BEEN VERY AGGRAVATING AT TIMES, AND WE HAVE NOT ALWAYS GOT ALONG VERY WELL TOGETHER; BUT STILL, IF I HAD TO DO IT OVER AGAIN, I’D MARRY YOU JUST THE SAME.

MR. H. (under his breath): I’M NOT SO SURE ABOUT THAT.